doubts

Since you have be with her as good friends or more looked like sisters, you have changed a lot. I am not sure whether you are actually a kind of person like that or being influenced.

I feel like something is influencing or controlling. Whenever I want to talk to you, your friend seems that don't want us to be together and seems like wanna be between us. Or you don't want to talk to me, don't want alone with me, so you find an excuse to ask your friend to be in between us? I prefer you to be honest, because you are the one always ask other people to be honest to you whenever they have any doubts. Screw you! Don't you know what is privacy? I ask you are the one only join it but you ask other people too? Don't you know what is respect means? You asked other people to join then you inform me later that, is this called respect? Or you think sure I won't refuse or reject that? I shall have refuse that.

What you recently did made me feel like I am a stupid. Honestly tell you, I hate what you have done. I know you did it, but just that I have no proof to prove that. Even though I ask you, I am sure that you will deny what you have done like an innocent people. Screw that again! Please, please don't ruin your own image and your impression in my mind. I don't wish to accept the fact that you have actually hurt me a lot but you made me like a stupid...

unbelievable

Normally the colour in a blog post indicate the mood of writing and the feeling of writing that particular post.

In this post, seriously, I have no idea on what colour to choose. I chose this because it looked quite moody and secrecy and a little wicked-ness. LOL

A friend told me a lot of things, (not to say that I fully believe, but I understand how much and how far she gone through, how hurt is the friend).

After she talked, we realized that we were talking those same persons. We exchanged stories. Then we realized that, how sarcastic and how ridiculous one person can be. I think I told the wrong person the wrong thing. However, never mind. I don't really care anymore. Just that I feel that is very "funny" and ironic on how can 2 persons that are sarcastic enough can be good friends. Is it same characteristics possess attraction? It is SO IRONIC!!! I think you all will be feeling weird of the tone in writing this blog, because one of the person is S. After knowing these, it is so unbelievable. No wonder I heard so much of rumours of S.

I started to think about that. Does S ever consider me as friend? Or someone that can be used? Even though S said something that I feel warmth, I started to doubt that now.

For everything that said and deduced, IT IS SO UNBELIEVABLE!!!

2010 is going towards the end

Well, it is a routine for me to write down what happened to me, no matter how sad, happy, terrific, horrible, unfortunate, blessed, etc in a whole year, during towards the end of a year. What I knew that is this year is much more different than those previous years because for so many years, year 2010 is the most meaningful, for now.

In January, it is Year 2 Semester 2 in Biochemistry. Taken Metabolism II, Molecular Biology, Genetics and Culture & Communication. (Exclude Pendidikan Moral here because I think that is a useless subject to study). I like Genetics the most, and Metabolism II the next. I think I shall be liking Molecular Biology, but too bad, I don't know why got such lecturer, I felt like I learn nothing much in Molecular Biology. Screw the lecturer! And that's why I won't choose Molecular Biology work for Final Year Project, after all, my interest is not in Molecular Biology thingy, but more on chemistry and bioassays.

Met such a ridiculous person. I mentioned the person in my blog before, the person's name is C, and I told you all here that C is a she. Her attitude and whatsoever, made me think that how tolerant am I to tolerate, to deal with, to communicate with this person. She hurt me a lot, but I am "stupid" enough to just bear it and avoid it. Because I know I sure lose in this kind of debate or handling. So, was a hard time for me. However, I got a good friend to listen to me and let me express myself. And I know what should I do. For me, friendship, if want to continue, I may need time to think; but now, I can say that, I don't wish to have a friend like you. However, don't worry, you won't be my enemy because you are not worth to be hated. Lolz. Well, to describe some of the characteristics that is quite common, I shall say, is obvious in her and also common in some people in society. She is kinda person who likes to think she is right for everything, making other people like a dumb or stupid. Friends, among each other, respect is important. Please respect other when talking or doing something. Even though the person you deal with is a bit weak, but you are not right in everything. You are just looked right (LOL). The next characteristics: SARCASTIC. Who doesn't know that. Everyone is fake and got a little sarcastic, the difference is how you express it. Her sarcastic-ness is very obvious until I could say that many people hate her very much.

Sarcastically, I knew that is C planned the birthday celebration for me. I am touched for that, thanks for her for planning it, I know at least I get her to appreciate me as a friend but the most touching moment is the classmates celebrating and the lecturer involved cooperated for it. Thanks a lot!

Around March, if I am not mistaken, the damn incident happened just after my birthday. Because of a misunderstanding, can make a guy so "small gas". Cut it short, the guy kept "bombard" her (C) with nonsense questions, thinking that he is very macho and putting revenge in behalf of others. He "bombarded" my group in presentation. However, main focus in on her. Our group, if not because of him, can end well, and won't interrupt other groups for presentation. Because of him, our presentation taken 1 hour. =.= (That's the reason why she is being hated so much, because gone too far in treating people; I also saw how CHILDISH can a person be) --> I wish to forget about this ridiculous incident.

Around that time too, my uncle, Chin Hoong asked me to join bible study. I joined it. Until now, and I still will join it. That time, I don't know how great of God is. I joined it, because I think I can learn some life lesson. That time I met a lot of new friends.

End of May, followed Max and Crystal to Penang. Their big family, I mean PCDC (Penang Christian Disciples Church). Got to mix with them better. I enjoyed being with them. I feel warmth. Got to know more friends. Is a nice feeling, even they don't know me much, but still care for you, concern about you, is this part of the love from God? I remembered one of them said that I looked punk when she met me for the first time. She played bass guitar that time. Many people said that I am cool that time, until don't dare to talk to me (another one told me after got to mix well with me). SERIOUSLY, had a lot of fun with them even I don't know them very much.
Joined the outing to CCC. And also the hiking to and camping at Pantai Kerachut in August. Someone is very kind to sponsor the payment of the 2 days 1 night trip which I don't know the reason for the person to do so. I am very grateful for that, until now I still don't know who is that, however, a great appreciation from me. Thanks to THAT PERSON again. From that, I experienced the first time sleeping in tent, playing quite crazily with friends and get to know and mix better with friends. I got to talk with someone I think that I can trust to of my confusion of feeling to someone, whom is S in my posts for the past half a year. She found me a counselor. I also told these to Max and Crystal, they told me to pray to God. Since that time, I started to pray. They got keep track on what and how I felt.

Around June, I decided to consult an endocrinologist regarding the pain that persists for long and also the swelling that never cease. The doctor checked the blood test and diagnosed that I was overdose with medicine, Euthyrox. That's why my metabolic rate SHOOTS UP and my other symptoms leads me to hyperthyroidism. Doctor also prescribed me prednisolone, at first, I haven't realize that is for reduce inflammation of thyroid glands. (I think that time I was too excited to know that everything can be ok, so didn't ask doctor why prednisolone is for...LOL. The next 3 months, is PAIN again. I dragged one month only got to meet the doctor again because I don't exactly know what happened and I don't have the time yet to meet the doctor, as I need to travel to outstation to meet the doctor. My blood test showed that the thyroid hormones are in normal level. Then doctor suspected is my genetic composition caused me to have inflammation in thyroid glands. For your information, inflammation in thyroid glands has no cause, it just inflamed like that. Doctor also told me that I can't overstress myself, if not, the pain would be coming back even more often. Oh my gosh, which means pain in every few months? FYP is driving me crazy and even more tension, pain was coming back after 3 weeks...== Alternative medicine other than steroid is found. Inflammation and pain subsided after medication for 3 days. The pain had made me has better self-control in dealing with temper, irritation, emotion changes. Thanks for the pain. Thank God for the consequences and lessons. In fact, the thyroiditis and hyperthyroidism had made me to more patience, tolerance, because thyroid disorder is life-long disease. I have no choice but have to accept that I need to take medicine for life-long.

Shocked that my FYP supervisor (boss) changed my FYP title in October. Everything feels like starting all over again. However, get to learn more things, which is the exciting part. I already expected that period for my FYP benchwork will be extended. I can only see my coursemates leaving one by one from the lab. However, for me, is just fine, because I get peace of mind. At the same time, I need to be patient, be smarter, be more initiative in doing my lab work. FYP taught me of time management and lotsa things dealing with communication. I found back myself in doing lab work. I am so not myself if I am not doing anything or too free. I enjoyed lab work. To deal with my boss, I need to be super careful because of his attitude and his routine.

The most important thing that I want to emphasize here is I get to know God, even though I haven't get to "meet" Him yet. Thanks to my new friends. Thanks for the love given.

appreciation

Thanks to my friend who introduced the medicine to me. Thanks to the effect of Beazyme (papain) and Danzen (serratio peptidase). With 3 times per day for 3 days, each time these 2 tablets, the synergistic effect fought the inflammation and thus the pain. The inflammation is off as the pain went off. Pain is as a result of inflammation, if you know the mechanism of inflammation, thanks to Immunology lecturer, Mr. Yuen for knowledge in Immunology. Doctor told me the condition too, if the same kind of pain and the same symptoms comes back, it means inflammation of thyroid glands happens again.

This time, I didn't drag long, However, one week is used to search for alternative other than steroid. Thanks for letting me found it, if not, I might be suffering effect from steroid.

As you can see, I mean to my friends who close to me, I can doubt that they feel and sense the emotional changes in me, even though I tried myself to overcome and hide it. Whenever I am in pain, my temper, emotion, etc changes to quite bad and quite drastic. Of course, until now, they can only feel it, because of the aura, not because I hurt them. The feeling that I always encounter whenever I am in pain is irritation. A little things that don't fit or don't meet my requirement in doing things or whatsoever, the irritation is very obvious on my face and tone of talking. To overcome from being feeling pain, I sleep a lot and keep myself very busy. Pain made me thinks a lot too. It made me think of how to reduce stress, how to manage time well (as I sleep a lot as a result of one of the symptoms), how to manage my feelings, how to control myself well even when I am not ok in physical condition, etc.

Thanks again to the pain and the medicine. Hope it won't happen so soon again.

recovery

After the onset of pain, I knew the thyroid glands inflamed again. Ok, that time was finding the alternative medicine other than prednisolone (steroid). Then able to consult from the friend who is a pharmacist. So, I am taking Beazyme (papain) and Danzen (serratio peptidase), they are anti-inflammatory enzymes. As so called enzyme, I will get no side effects from those medicine, checked from internet. Thank you. Taken for 2 days, so far so good. Waiting the effect after taking the medicines for 3 days. Thanks for my friends who walked with me in Gurney Plaza to search for pharmacy. Thanks to God for let me found the pharmacy and got the medicine. Thanks for no drag, if not, the pain and condition will surely worsen. Plus the effect of paracetamol, the pain killer can help relieve the sense of pain for temporarily.

When experienced the feeling of pain, I don't want to trouble people by telling them, so I bear on my own. However, my face expression changed drastically. The pain caused me feel irritated, with no anger, as I prayed to God that I don't wanna in anger. (By the way, is irritation=anger?) I bear the pain until I hold my fists very tightly, almost go and use my fists to bang the glass stuffs. Thank God for shows Himself in time, if not, I really scared I can't control myself. After I prayed, I sms-ed my friend, Chin Ling to pray for me too. Thank you, Chin Ling. She asked me to ask my friends to pray for me too, but I didn't do so, because I think I have burden them much, and I don't want to be such a wet blanket. I considered that dinner as a gathering on Christmas, so I don't want to spoil the atmosphere.

After reached room, I rested a while, by that time, the irritation is gone. Thank God for listened to my prayer. Pain still there, so I rested a while before take the medicine (medicine cannot be eaten straight after dinner, medicine should be eaten 1-2 hours after dinner). On Sunday night, I feel much more better. Thanks to God and the medicine.

Just another one day, lets see the effect of both the synergistic anti-inflammatory enzymes. I feel ok now...^^

SO soon

According to the frequency of the recurrence, it should be coming back (of course I hope it won't happen again, however, too bad that my body had this tendency to get it) around February or March. BUT, I felt the pain, very slight pain, on and off recently, and this recurred, after 3 weeks of recovery-> is way TOO SOON. This very slight pain (I didn't sprained any muscles or injured recently, and I am very sure about how is the pain feels like), that on and off frequency, is driving me crazy again. Well, I thought I can ignore that at first, then sometimes when I sit down to analyze myself, I feel like I get angry, fussy, impatient quite easily recently, not because of the menstruation (menstruation would cause the same symptoms too)

Pray, is the method I can use now. Hope God can give me the strength to not to be controlled by emotional imbalance that might hurt people around me.

Medicine to cure? Ya, still searching, I won't use steroid first, but I need to prevent the inflammation from getting even serious, pain killer of course has no effect, it only relieve the pain, but it won't relieve the root cause, which is the INFLAMMATION in thyroid glands: Thyroiditis. So, hope to consult a friend who is a pharmacist, whether is there any solution (medicine) to take other than steroid. Hopefully the pain won't "spread" so fast before I get the solution, otherwise, steroid is my option as it relieve and stop the inflammation in a very FAST mode.

Doctor told me before this, I can't overstress myself, if not, the frequency of recurrence will get even faster. Well, the stress, is PRESENT, because of the progress of my FYP. My fingers injured (because of my so called bad habit), I de-caffeine for longer than one month, but still, stress does cause a lot of health consequences. I can feel that stress is the ROOT CAUSE of thyroiditis...

Just couldn't believe that it really comes SO SOON...=(

bad habit...?

Well, bad habit...this post is talking about my bad habit, in terms of facing something, I have a bad habit when dealing with stress and pressure.

I think my friends realized my fingers always injured or arm got scratched. (I don't have 自虐症...) Then I realized that when I am under stress or pressure, I will keep "kopek" the skin of my fingers (my skin easy to fall off especially on fingers) until I feel the pain or I saw blood flow out only I will stop. Ok, of course I do those in unconscious condition, which means I won't actually realize I am "kopek-ing" the dead skin. Pain? I don't feel the pain, as I am USED TO THAT. I will only feel the pain when "kopek" until the 'alive skin'. To avoid infection, the next day, my friends will see my finger(s) with plaster.

The scratches, usually during sleep, the next day, when bath, I feel the pain, only I saw the scratches...everytime sure more than 10 stripes...=.= What happened to me during sleep time?! Sleep also in stress and pressure mode? (I think sure I "kopek" the fingers nails too the worst thing is I forgot to make them in nice shape and blunt-so that won't cause those wound, that caused those stripes...==|||) Damn, almost every stripes quite deep... --> luckily I brought a medicine that is very effective in healing this kind of injury, it helps "cools" my wound, aka accelerate healing of wound. I am using Enhancer, which is the name of the product by USANA (promoting health science products?! XD).

Haiz...bad habit. I am "kopek-ing" the dead skin again now...=.= Guess next semester this condition would be even more serious...

the solution from Him?

I admitted before this, I don't believe in the presence of God. For me, it is just a condition or a person or whatever it is that created by the mind of human to place their spirit dependence on it...WHATEVER.

Then got one incident happened, and so happened to be many friends (that I knew in Penang), they asked me try to pray. I still don't believe then I ignored. And so happened to be the pain that suppose to go off didn't relieved yet, then I try to pray. Also the issue of S, the emotional dependence on S, I prayed to Him. Maybe He did show Himself through the consequences after I prayed. The pain does relieved, and many other coincidences. Then I think, in this world, there shouldn't be that much of coincidences, could this be the solutions given by Him? For whatever it is, try to believe in Him. At least, got somewhere or somebody else for me to put my emotional dependence on.

Issue about S, even though the feeling I said was faded, I know is just temporarily, it will rise another one if the root is not solved yet. I prayed to Him. Somehow, I don't really feel much of that after I prayed. Then my friend (not the one around me here) who knew this (they knew the progress) said that maybe He is trying to "take away" the feeling of emotional dependence from me. Well...MAYBE. Maybe this is the solution? Because I DON'T THINK facing S to talk about this is a good solution. I need to know the root too. So, slowly, but I am sure I can get rid of this kind of feeling soon.

What's next?

get better

On Monday evening, got myself the RIGHT medicine, prescribed steroid, prednisolone. I need to eat this medicine for 6 days, one tablet per day, so is from Monday till Saturday, which is today.
Ok, I don't want the condition to be worsen, it had been very pain (the pain has worsen) since last Friday until Sunday, could you imagine, I could only sleep to avoid from feeling pain... It had seriously affected my temper, mood and emotion. For that whole week, I don't feel like talking to people or doing things that need high patience, if not, I scared I will lose patience and throw tantrum. However, to finish my task until 50%, I need to bear with my own temper and emotion, I won't let pain control me so much. For now, 90% pain and 70% swelling gone.

Ok, I had angry to S because of a very simple reason: when I was in pain, S stepped and crossed my borderline, I don't mind S always talks in quite no manners to me (because can be considered quite close), however, that time, I felt disappointed and the next anger came. I didn't talk to S for more than one week. The day S started to talk to me, I still unwillingly to answer S properly. My pain still there, I scared the pain was controlling my emotion and temper that time. So, I answered S in a very cool tone... Then on Thursday, we talked and tried to solve this issue. At the half of our conversation, we nearly quarreled when talked through MSN, then S asked to talk face-to-face. Ok, fine, talked in my room. Finally, issue solved =) Felt very relieved that time. Then we chatted. S even described the FYP progress in a very enthusiastic expression, I like it...^^

At the same time, I can feel that my friends felt my sincerity and trustworthy and not to "scared" at my coolness...XD. I felt glad about that.

Conclusion: bad temper, impatience, bad emotions had gone away with the pain...

the solution

I shall correct and make a statement here: The pain caused by thyroiditis, is reducing initially but became worse for the past 3 days...T.T

I have been slept since 12 something in noon until almost 6pm, only in between, around 2 something woke up because of nature calling. Then my friend called. Don't know why, my patience reached the limit and I thought I have showed my impatience in answering the call. Sorry, but my friend said she is fine and she understood that...thanks, Chin Ling...^^ And also replying sms. Continued my sleep after replied the sms.

I slept for so long, because during sleep, I won't feel the pain. And I couldn't be sleeping all the time, so, I shall make myself very busy to avoid feeling the pain... And I shall go get the prescribed medicine, and not to rely on the natural products...ok, last decision!

good news

Good news for my physical condition. Pain caused by thyroiditis reduced a lot and conditions caused by hyperthyroidism also became better. As mentioned in previous n-th post, doctor cut the dosage of the medicine. The effect is seen after 2 weeks (medicine and endocrine system took 2 weeks to "govern" and body to adapt to the new dosage of medicine taken). My metabolic rate decreases, not that high as before this, I can sense of full after a meal that is not that much. Could you imagine, before this, no matter how much I eat also I can't feel full? From the bright side, I can definitely participate in eating competition...XD. However, from the bad side, I may have cause my liver works overload, and always need eat a lot to have "feel" in stomach is kinda torturing.

Pain (since thyroiditis started to strike on me) caused by thyroiditis made me became impatient and get angry easily, even though with just a simple reason... =.= However, this is overcame by good news mentioned above. So, isn't it nice? The good ones cover the bad ones, I am thinking, if the good news is not exist, I might end up throwing tantrum at my friends or smashing the small glasswares (so that it won't cause so great noise, XD) into the sink. Imagine that... By the way, I am controlling myself well, so far no one "kena", and no glasswares become the "victim"...lolz. Pain, away from me as soon as possible, can? (From the bright side, I know my own EQ is better than before...^^)

not ok

I am SERIOUSLY not ok, NOT ok, and NOT OK!!!


I am NOT OK in terms of physically and mentally...=(

my temper

Seriously, my bad temper is back. WHY?!

Ok, the bad temper started since I got the thyroiditis in the end of September or near October. That time I didn't know about that, so I was worried and I lost temper without reason. Erm, not to say without reason, the only reason is I was in pain!!! Is not that I can't bear it, ya, I told my friends who concern about me. I think they should know what happened to me with my sudden change of temper.

Then I found out, when in hormone imbalance, in pain, depressed or whatever, it will affect a person's temper or so called attitude. And it caused me to get back my bad temper again. I became very impatient, easily angry. And seriously, when I was doing my lab work, which the steps need a lot of patience, I felt like smashing all glasswares into the sink...=.= And yet, I got to control myself well. I know I couldn't lose temper to anyone else. So I lose the temper in my own room. By banging the my room's door, cycle very fast by making myself very tired, eat a lot, etc.

As long as the pain still there, and I feel it, I know I will continue lose my temper without any trigger from outsiders. So, I want to say sorry if I ever lose temper or say bad words or do something bad to any of my friends. I know I should have been controlling it, but is hard. I will try my best to control my temper in anyway...

闯祸?

明知道不可以这么做，可是就是情不自禁地，不知不觉地把感情放下去了。明知道得不到回报，却还是默默地付出...

这一切的一切，是我不想要的。我需要解决问题，需要解决了它...

On and off 的痛苦...T_T

分不清楚

Kinda a bit blur and confused on my physical state now... >.< Am I actually tired? Or very energetic now? Or I am just no mood. I have things to do but yet I am still delaying (those things can be delayed). I am just not in the mood... Ish!!!

Looked at myself on the mirror. Face getting sharper? And the most obvious thing is my face is like very dull and sleepy, with no smile on my face. I just couldn't smile when I looked at the mirror. Maybe I AM JUST NOT IN THE MOOD FOR EVERYTHING!!! What happened to me?!

This few days, boss's order and the workload (a simple test but a lot of steps) caused me very busy, tension and rush, until I can "forget" the pain that I am actually still having it. See? I am really thankful for that. I am not taking the steroid, but taking natural product to reduce the inflammation. Pain is getting very less now, but the swelling still there, a big one... >.< I hope the swelling gone faster. Suddenly I am hoping so much for that, in fact the thyroid glands already swell for very long time. The thyroiditis that I am having now caused me wanted to sleep and feel wanna lie down. Maybe I am getting better in sleep in this few days? (I hope so, and actually I sleep until I am reluctant to wake up, and compared to before this I woke up automatically.) Conclusion: I think I can get into sleep a little better than before.

I am still confused whether I am tired now...I don't even feel sleepy. Or I am actually sleepy now? What do I want? Ish ish...!!!

好久没见

好像很久没见了，竟然会去想你。想你的笑容，想你的声音，你的声音能让我觉得舒服，开心，自从那次那通电话，我知道我在寻找着这种感觉。

这几天，说实在的，很想见到你，可是就是无法记得你的模样，超坏的我... 说真的，我无法记得朋友的样子，通常在那时刻遇到才知道的，但一遇到，我知道他/她是我的朋友...

现在，好想再听见你的声音...

感触?

不知怎的，我似乎有股冲动，想要找一把能让我心境平静的声音。我想我能在听了那个人的声音，无论我再怎么不开心，再倍受压力，痛苦，我都能很快地平静下来。

我似乎是找到了。我希望是。最近有点极端(用词好像有点不对)。

现在我有点想听见你的声音...

should I?

That day (I forgot which day), C talked to me. Started the conversation with me. Ok, I know, C sure asks what result I got. That time I was thinking, C has no other questions to ask, why must always ask this?

Told ya I don't wish to talk with C again. So I asked C why talk to me again. Then C said: "I am not that small gas la, over so long already..." My response that time, I was thinking: "who do you think you are, you think you are the one who is ALWAYS right?" Damn it, fine, I don't want to be so care about that. C always thinks that she is right (Ok la, I tell you all now C is a she.) And C mad at me is because I don't want listen to her. She ALWAYS think that she is good in everything.

Then talk craps...which just crack anything, as long as not related to me, that she doesn't has chance to know my secret and spread around or else. Just told her what happened recently as she asked, but will avoid questions that regarding too much about other coursemates, I will try my best to run off from that questions by talking other craps...lolz. Just don't want to let her know what she wants to know the most. Told ya, I won't trust C anymore. Be friends, ok, but I won't put in trust. But I will make myself looked like I trust her as friend. (I am not fake-ing here, I am protecting myself.)

I was actually think of give C another chance, chance of being friends again. I am still thinking. Well said that, last semester to be classmates, why not forgive and be friends again? I am still considering...

The relief

Consulted from the endocrinologist today at Ipoh Specialist Hospital. Ok, blood test turned up to be ok, everything is normal. Then the doctor, Dr. Ong suspected that I got thyroiditis (inflammation of thyroid gland) because hyperthyroidism causes swelling of gland but not the pain. Since it was subsided from the previous treatment, so this swelling and pain most possibly is due to thyroiditis. Then Dr. Ong said that I maybe prone to this as a result of my genetic composition because I already had this last time plus this time, 2 times. So, means I have the potential to get it again in another few months later...OH GOSH!!! And, thyroiditis is not related to hyperthyroidism that I had now...ok, genetic composition... >.<> that's why I am thin!!! (Yeah!)

At least I know that my thyroid hormones are functioning well, and it is important to maintain (craps), but I still need to eat medicine to maintain it...=.=

Now? 6 days of medication with prednisolone (steroid) to reduce inflammation... And please, thyroiditis, please don't mess with me like that... ok, "blame" my own genetic composition...

bearing...

Just one more day...one more day, then I would know the answer, know what is happening on me!

The pain is getting serious...is causing me headache too...@@ The pain is like pressing, like last time. In Immunology, this is called inflammation (last time the doctor said so), excess hormone is secreted and caused the blood vessels to swell, more and more plasma accumulate, more and more blood flow to the site, the site is hot and swells and eventually the "injury" site is harden because a lot of plasma, cells, etc accumulate there (if I didn't make mistake in the description of inflammation).

The pain is kinda on and off. But when is on, is deep inside and slowly spread...great! @@ Most of the time I just bear it. (Actually nothing that I can do other than just bear with it). When is off (very seldom in these 2 weeks), of course, I feel nothing (craps!), I grab the time and do as much stuffs as I can. If in pain, really hard to study the journals or sleep. Damn it!

Just one more day...ONE MORE DAY...

害怕

其实...

我怕, 我真的怕...

担心是一定有，怕，我想我不曾告诉我的朋友吧...连好友我都没告诉...

我知道担心和怕都没用，一连串，接踵而来...难免会有这种想法...

还是把我的害怕收藏起来吧...不能倒...

接着而来的会是对我来说再也普通不了的抽血，可怕的不是这个，是等待报告的时刻。这次期望的是什么? 希望该出现的要出现? 还是什么都不要? (那不是更加难测? 我想我现在知道发生些什么事，如果报告不是这样，那...)

啊!!! 不要想太多...

hurt?

Is it true that the closer the particular friend with you, the more he/she will cause hurt to you?!

Just coincidentally bump into this kind of saying. For example a friend is close to you, so means like, by "common sense" or as thought so, you won't take serious or mind about what the friend talked or did to you. Maybe the friend accidentally said something that actually hurts, but the friend thinks that, "aiya, you won't mind that, right?" Actually you are mind about that, but how are you going to say that out? Say it out, might hurt your friend's feelings too.

Somehow, from a friend, I learned that whatever it is, if I feel offended or so, I am asked to say it out. (although most of the time I don't do so, and I will forget it quite fast). I got a friend, in University life, can be considered quite close. When the friend answered in a tone that everybody won't be liking it, I still will say "never mind". Then my friend will say "thanks for understanding and considering". Well, I just don't want anyone feel bad. But is this act right? Even though I MIGHT already being hurt, but I still say is ok. Seriously, I usually feel a bit confused and wondering why my friend behaved so, anger normally comes NEXT if I am very frustrated or feel offended, not FIRST. So, that's why I always say "never mind" for that kind of so called offense.

Or actually I already feel hurt? Hurt until no words can be described. So, anyone can share and tell me about what I said in the very beginning? Is it true?

=( ??

你这算是躲避? 在躲避我吗? 你这几天的举动，不难让我这有点疑心重的想很多。

是我逼着你了?

说真的，是让我有点闷闷不乐，我在想，是我想多了，还是其实什么都不是...?

hard time

Felt something was not really right since yesterday morning. Why I need extra energy to breath smoothly? Only that time I realized that the short of breath symptom was getting serious. So what now? The symptom I scared the most is back.

In the afternoon, thought to lie down, hope can relieve, because i really don't know what I can do to relieve the condition. Who knows, when I try to sleep (hard to get to sleep is another problem, is not that I don't want to sleep, when is the time I suppose to sleep, I am hell energetic there, ended up force myself to sleep; until I really got asleep, I woke up AUTOMATICALLY later when is the time I supposed to wake up), I sweated heavily, even with the fan pointing at me...=.= So? Woke up with a dizzy head...DAMN it!!!

Thankfully, yesterday I was alone. Was very upset and down. At the same time, I thought I was under anger and frustration. Mixed feeling. I called (MSN-ing) a friend, let the friend be ZL. I am grateful that ZL accompanied me to talk to distract the unpleasant feelings, and listened to my problems. I know nobody can help, she said at least got somebody knows that and can offer help when something bad really happens. At 9pm something like that, the condition finally relieved a bit. But not totally. I really can't remember how I went through the whole afternoon. I guessed it had been a hard time for me, because I feel like I gonna cry that time.

This morning, after woke up, the feeling of suffocating continues, luckily is not as bad as yesterday's. Then, headache came after that...=.= Started to get fatigue...even I didn't do any sports, made me nearly roll down from the stairs. My friends said my face looked pale.

Come on, Ke Jun, be strong!!! You have not cry for that is a good start. Fight for that!!!

lyrics- Tonight I feel close to you

Close my eyes and feel your mind
Time has passed
I walk like a shadow
Never knew
What I am going through
You touch my heart and take my breath away

Whisper on the wind so softly
Let the bright stars fill our dreams with love
Reach for your hand (you're holding my key)
and you show me the way

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one
I wish we could stay forever as one

So much love in this beautiful world
Search for the brightest star in the sky
You will find the meaning of love
Don't be afraid (Don't be afraid), Just be youself (Just be yourself)
We need this love... I've never knew

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one
I wish we could stay forever as one

^^

见到你，真开心...

就不知怎的，那时候写简讯，就自然而然地想发给你...
当你说可以时，我快乐坏了...

见到你时，心里有说不出的喜悦，
我似乎很久没这么高兴 (高兴和兴奋是两码事，在这里，我说的是高兴）

就是想念那背影,
看着你的背影,
嘴角微微上扬,
我真的打从心里笑了...

signal

那坚强，无所谓的样子要继续装出来吗? 我知道我的情况如果比起其他例如癌症的，是芝麻小事(神经病，你想要这么严重?)，但这么多年来的精神煎熬，整个人都好像麻木了. 如果没错，我这一辈子是要吃那荷尔蒙剂来维持荷尔蒙的水平. 虽然是那么小颗药丸，可是这一吃，就吃了八年; 说长不长，说短亦不短...

Since last week, the metabolic rate started to spiking up again!!! Under this hot weather, the condition somehow looks like getting serious, my body hot until I feel like I am having fever almost all the time, the palm is very hot, so to whole body, imagine the cold water I take bath with, I don't feel the water is cool anymore. Although I know drink icy water to cool down is not a very healthy way, but the heat in my body forced me to do so. If not, it will just reveal my bad temper...=.= Somehow, the disease I got taught me to be in nice temper and be patient. Before this, I still will have heavy meal for lunch, but not in nowadays... I really scared the heat will drive me crazy...especially working in the lab. Maybe my condition stated here is almost the same as everyone out there, as the weather now is so damn HOT!!! But...

I know my own body well. The endocrine system starts to mess up with me. The slight pain at my neck and uncomfortable condition I faced recently, are they trying to give me some sorta danger signal? I am actually still hoping the condition won't get worse. I know caffeine will further boost up metabolic rate, I already started de-caffeination since this week, however, the metabolic rate still very high... The most important is the pain and the still high metabolic rate and followed by fatigue not long after that are the signals? And if not very accurate menstruation period is counted as a symptom, ya, it also as a possible indication. As far as I know, doctor always ask is my menstruation period accurate. Could I just ignore those symptoms? I don't wish to visit doctor on my own again...Although I don't mind alone, just feel I am not strong enough to always face those on and off condition. I thought it can be cured and recover as soon as possible. Why? I remembered that I was very happy when the condition was getting better 2 weeks after the consultation and medication. Now 3 months gone, on the 3rd month, it starts to "haunt" me again. These symptoms, I am still observing the severity, I don't even think of telling my good friends too although they "warned" me to tell them if I feel anything wrong. I think I just take it on my own. I went for the routine checkup last week, the blood test result showed my hormone level for thyroid is within normal range, but I remembered what the specialist said, then I recalled the result that I got, is still in lower range of normal level. Is quite near to lower part. So, what now?

Another danger signal: short of breath... NOW...@@ I really need to take a rest...

I MUST be strong!!! No matter how...think positively...

what is this?!

There is one classmate, for one semester I don't talk to her, because of one character of her is very obvious and I felt annoyed of it. Suddenly, she added me in Facebook and commented on the status that is so damn common and that Facebook status, that time, my best friend commented on it, she was like just came in and said "jia u jia u". Well, for her as a Facebook user, I appreciated that, but not from people like that. I am not "complaining", but just, is hard to accept that. I am sure she actually knows that I felt annoyed of her. She is kinda benefit-minded person. Is too obvious...=.=

And one thing, which I feel very awkward of it. She even smiled at me when we meet. I replied the smile, and I HATE the smile that I gave. I think I better keep my cool face. Seriously, the situation is like forcing me to smile. Actually I don't wish to smile at all. For one semester I don't either talk or smile to her, I "don't know" what to respond for this.

Shall I give her a chance and to myself to "accept" her as a friend? I discussed this with another friend who is also coursemate. My friend said since is going to be last semester for Degree, so just bear with it, try to accept. I have been thinking of my friend's pieces of words. Is it because she knows that I am a person who value friendship, so she takes this to "tackle"? Come on, maybe she doesn't know that, I won't entertain any kind of people that easily. And I am not a fake person. I can be a person that can talk to easily and nicely but depends who is the person. Somehow, after certain incident, I couldn't put more trust to any people, if I am willing to put more trust, means the person is really trustworthy (this is more comprehensive if I put this sentence in this way). This kind of person actually made me lost trust to people. I won't want to get myself hurt again by this kind of people.

So? Accept or ignore the nice act and manners from her?

忘却

能看见你笑，
能想象你笑的样子，
无论是什么样的笑容，
被我逗笑，
惊喜的笑，
打招呼的笑容，
都能让我把当时的烦恼都给抛到远远的，
没错，
你就是有这样的魅力!

所以，
我正在想象你的笑容...

一切的一切，
这是好感吗?

glad

好开心哦...今天你说你在大学的生活里，我算是你的好朋友，信得过的朋友. 你知道我听了后多开心吗? 我开心因为我是一个称职的朋友. 今天，我其实已累坏了，可是听到你这么说，再累都无所谓了. 也不太清楚今天为何我今天特别火爆. 也许是因为我有急事要办，可是就是因为早上去复诊的医院的医生及护士超没效率的服务态度，拖慢了我该完成的事，及浪费我至少两个小时的时间，超可恶的!!!

Have no idea from when onwards we had such a chat. Just wanna let you to know that, I am very happy for this...^^ 或者可以这么说，我其实希望能从你口中听到这句话.

on and off

Since last week, if not mistaken, noticed that the swollen on my neck (that supposed to be shrunken) is back to swelling and harden. Actually I was kinda worry that. Is the dosage prescribed by doctor is not suitable to me? I followed the instructions for medication. Why? What happened? Well, it doesn't cause pain, however, just feel uncomfortable, it shrinks for a certain period then back again. Became fatter (as a possible indication), not at all, after I went back hometown, then weighed myself on the weighing scale, the scale showed 44.5kg.
You all can't imagine how much I ate during the study week until exam ended. So, where is the food go to? The symptoms of hyperthyroid is quite obvious which is accumulation of fat on stomach but not at other parts (which is very common and is VERY HARD to avoid it), it only very obvious on stomach, which for a girl, will be very particular about. Just 5 days holiday, even I continue with my habit after meal, STILL...=.= Really damn annoying. The low waist jeans now no need belt, not that loose as before this. So, this means?! Getting serious or what? Should I consult the specialist again about the problem?

I was hoping the condition won't get worse. I am still hoping. AND I did take care of myself...

another one

你知道吗，能见到你是很开心的，见到你，说真的，我真的很兴奋，而不是普通的开心. 我喜欢与你说话，见到你；原因...大概是因为我们志同道合吧. 也许我们有太多共同点. 不太知道你对我的印象是什么，我想告诉你的是我真的很开心能见到你. 能看到你笑，更是能让我把烦恼也忘了，好想念你的笑容，你被我逗笑的样子...

本人太多”故事“来写...嗯，可能可以从中找到情趣及乐趣. 认为了解我的人就会知道这些故事的真实性，不过先告诉大家，我是有语文基础的，所以要考虑及衡量那个因素...

random

我在你心目中，有过地位吗? 你说啊...

我是那么地重视你，以你为中心，处处为你着想，怕你受伤，你有珍惜吗? 我的心是很痛，当我知道你其实当着不一回事，不以为意. 努力忍着不流泪，不伤心，努力试着不在意你所作的，甚至觉得我是一厢情愿. 其实我想要的不是这样，我只是想你知道我是喜欢你的，想要引你注意...当你就这么敷衍我时，我的心犹如刀割，你了解那种痛吗?
很努力地尝试不想你，可是却非常想见到你. 这就是矛盾. 对你说，你可以对我说你的烦恼，也许那个人对你来说比较重要，或许我根本什么都不是，你只是把我当作生活中可以利用的人. 我有时候是真的有点妒忌那个人.

本人看剧场看得有点过分，或者太闲没事做，这故事如有雷同，纯属巧合.

the purpose

There are some people asked me about the reason of having that AMOUNT of blogs. So this is the reason: MSN spaces (spaces.live) is kinda publicize, many people can just step in to read. However, blogspot, you can't search without knowing the name of the blog unless I tell the people who is interested to. What I meant here is, is not easy to track a person's blog unless you know the person.

Blogs in spaces.live has migrated to wordpress.com because of certain reasons. There, because of the publicity, I normally won't put post my feelings and those silly or whatsoever thoughts there or anything I said that might hurt a person's feeling. The last reason is because normally I won't lost my temper (is childish anyway), or voice out my thoughts or my unsatisfactory out to the people I am angry to or whatever. I just bear with it. I don't know why I behaved so. I know I need to voice out if I have been unsatisfied to someone in a polite way. Too bad is I am a person who is kinda straightforward in a certain way. The worst thing in socializing is dealing with person that you don't like to and yet you need to control your mind for not lost control. I do know that in certain times I need to be indirect and euphemistic and I know when I shall do so... Normally what I do is ignore...and if I can't bear with that, I just throw out what I felt in blog, that's it. I am smart enough to use initials to represent the characters involved and readers could have understand what I have written, I presumed. Is this kinda silent way of releasing anger?!

In spaces.live, which is now wordpress.com, I usually make my report there, any happy things, things that are happened in an unusual way and so happened that everytime when I wrote there, it will like a flow chart and some sorta annual report...== I have such feeling, I might cause my readers bored. Ah, whatever...

Blog is meant for self-entertainment, no need to care how people think, and somehow, I have that amount of blogs... I do sort out the genre of the posts...

it's over for this

Ok, wanna announce and confess something here. I have PUT DOWN and LET IT GO!!! I have let go the feeling of dependence towards S. Is kinda relief, you know? When I realized I was some sorta depend spiritually on S, where S doesn't know that, until now I presume S doesn't know that. Again, is just a small glimpse (ok, this is quite a direct translation of 一线之差) from the feeling which I scared the most. I scared to put in feelings to people, the feeling mentioned here is like in terms of towards any gender. You get what I meant? That kind of like. That kind of feeling is the one I scared the most...I scared I misunderstand, I scared I will disappointed, I scared I will get hurt. and the most important, I am not interested, I maybe have that kind of feeling (I said MAYBE) but I am not interested in dealing with relationship. (In the end, I don't think you all understand what I am talking here, I think is kinda ironic...and contradictory...><) I won't want any feeling anymore until the end of my studies for Degree. Maybe I am pathetic...(==''') until I put in feelings to people that appeared to be my savior that time? Or I am a person who is 多情? (==''')

In dealing with this unsure feeling, I have been escaping and avoiding, however the more I was trying to escape, I have been even suffering and at last, after talked to someone who I think I can trust, I tried my best to face S. And yet, I still remember that I put my effort and my thinking into my stuffs, I made myself occupied enough to not to think too much. And somehow, I made it! The feeling is just faded...ya, is just faded, without I even realized.

Sometimes I have been thinking that, am I kinda person who is simple thinking or complicated? What I meant is, am I looked unpredictable?


So, I don't know whether there will be more "interesting" stories to tell...just check it out... This blog is meant for sentimental stuffs which means there will be other stuffs regarding feelings or thoughts that I won't put in very public place.

random...

I think this is the first time I studied until my tears gonna roll out. Before this, ya, I did studied until I feel like wanna cry, is I FEEL LIKE WANNA CRY, but end up I bear with it. Now? I really study until cry...what's wrong?! I thought I am relax enough because my plans are going on as what I expected. I actually realized that myself really very stress although I did according what I planned because I am holding my fist until pain...==||| Realized that I have my own weakness which is low memorizing power. I am trying my best to fight to resolve it to immerse into my notes... Ok, I promise myself, if I can't bear with the tears, I just hide myself to my blanket, I need to calm myself down, no point sitting there facing my notes and cry. Change place to cry maybe will let me think clearer and calm down faster. Maybe is a kind of avoiding, running away from problems, but I think this is the best method that I know...

Some of the time, when I was studying, I am actually realized that I sighed a lot. Well, is when I was studying during the teaching week. Is nice that I found some bookmarks (I am kinda frustrated, so I clear part of my table), saw one bookmark written there 叹气是最浪费时间的事. Ya, right. I SHALL NOT sigh too much. Sometimes need to sigh too (here metaphorically said that my lung capacity is not strong enough-->indeed-->I am not talking craps).

Well, I am glad that I can actually focus more. Feel peace...^^

peace and pain

Well, this title sounds contradictory. Lets see what am I going to talk.

Peace...it is because I know I done something right, that something made me feel that I won't be regret for ending it. I felt everything seems so quiet and no struggle in my heart, no more any struggle for whether trying to mend, or leave it or end it. In certain circumstances that MAYBE C's act is "needed", however, is NOT among us as all the while being C's friends. Is just hurting.
Another peace, is that I have not really think about S. All this while, since I said I want to let it be, at the same time, I was trying everything that I like to replace that kind of dependence feeling. Now, the feeling is almost gone, because I think I won't be depend on others anymore in terms of my emptiness of soul. So, if ask me whether am I willing to let it go? My answer will be, I am willing to do so. I don't want "anything" happen because I am trying to indulge and unrestrained. (Haha, I am just joking for the indulge and unrestrained, I will only do this when I am under great stress, but at the same time I am denying about the shooting up of stress level) Yes, I don't want any changes in the dependence feeling, because this kind of feeling is just a slight difference, in chinese sayings we called it as 一线之差...

Pain, ya, is the on and off health condition. Ya, I know it shouldn't be that pain and or it shouldn't be pain anymore? I am, all the while struggle with it, bearing the pain, but it just a little unbearable sometimes until I am kinda frustrated (when the pain is some sorta coming back, not that serious compared to the time when it was undiagnosed). This happened for some time, my friends always told me that if I am in pain or any feeling unwell, must tell them. Ok, I hide it from everyone. I mean, how am I going to start this kind of topic with my friends that always concern about me? Just start it by saying: I am in pain? Oh, come on, to meet people with this pain condition (I think my face will be quite "cool" and a little pale) also I am not wishing to, how am I going to tell them such issue? I can't even help myself when I am in pain. If I tell others, I might just cause people in trouble by make them worry about me. So, I better keep to myself. So pain, please DON'T persist. If You are trying to test my patience or giving me this kind of challenge, well, I am willing to receive this challenge. So, if You are giving me this challenge, so just consider that I am some sorta complaining a little here...Don't worry, I will fight to resolve the challenge!

mess

I have been write and erase what I have written, write and erase, again and again...Just because I have no idea on how to start to write this post.

Now, I think I am in a mess. With the reason that I also don't know (or I just don't want to admit, but it just happened to be, it is telling me that: is time to release yourself, for whatever it is? No more suppressing my own feeling?), I feel like crying.

Lets analyze: 1. Pressure from studies? (who doesn't have?!); this sounds not really the reason...or maybe yes, because I think I feel the pressure, or I already immunized or numb to the pressure? 2. The on and off health condition after undergoing the treatment. 3. The so called fading feeling that I always say to myself? Well, of course, is fading or not, only I know it very well. Seriously, I really don't want to admit anything here...just, I scared...ok, temporarily just forget about this issue, like what I am doing now.

Ok, just a little mood swing, I think...I hope is just mood swing...

whatever

我的华语，曾经还算是顶呱呱的；自从用英文来写部落格之后，我很少用华语来表达自己了，变得好像钝了，词穷了...遗憾...

最近的我
好像把自己弄得很可悲似的
或许我真的很可悲

明明就是不妥
明明我是该给该有的反应
我就是什么都没做
少了那个所谓该有的反应
气氛就是这么怪

看不到，数不清的惆怅
心情有点忧郁得好像有点一发不可收拾
不能继续这样了
不管怎样
要抹掉不愉快的过去


惨，怎么我觉得我写的，连我自己都觉得很差劲? 唉，算了，我想，暂时，我想表达的，就是这有点破破碎碎的心情...

is OK but not ok

Well, this whole week until Friday, I am in physically exhausted state. And started from Tuesday, started to have even serious mentally exhausted state. Well, is it in physically and mentally exhausted state, I am not so sure, I just feel that I am not really myself after all. Trying my best to keep myself awake, trying to keep myself cheerful, trying my best to keep myself look good, at least not as bad mood as shown on my face yesterday. My face told me that my face looked bad, a very moody, angry, cool look.

Well, I also have no idea how to describe my feeling. I just found out that, I keep almost everything to myself. Why don't I try to talk to someone? Well, they have their own problems and some are relaxing as they finished their tests for the week. I still got tests on, and I feel that I can't be reckless that much.

After I came back yesterday, I sat in front of my laptop, staring gaze. The feeling of wanna cry arising, but somehow I did something else (I don't remember what I did to distract the feeling), I didn't cry). It is not the most serious state that can cause me cry (the meaning is something like that in chinese). I watched my favourite drama series, felt nice and relaxed. I listened to songs. Try to forget everything by immersing myself in the world of music. Ya, is effective. I felt that I am in the world of music, I am playing the music, I am enjoying the music. Suddenly I realized that this is one of the advantages from learning music...^^

Well, the timing bom is somehow inactivated. I break the code...^^ Then I tried to blog as I told myself that I will give yself some time to blog during this week. I fall asleep while I blogged half way...==||| Is time to take a good rest, tomorrow will be ok. I saved my draft and I went to sleep willingly. Well, this word "willingly" meant here I finally let myself rest, although I can't finish my tasks yesterday.

Today, is the schedule to clean my room. I took this opportunity to distress. Ya, is nice! At the same time, my friend coincidentally invite me to chat via MSN. Then we chatted, with our style. Somehow, even though the conversation and some of what we talked is in the style of very 废, I enjoyed it. This is the way of communication between my friend and me. I felt relaxed and glad that the timing is right. Thanks, my friend!

All in all, I am ok now. I think I hide the so called the stuffs that I kept to myself to else where, and I can't find it back. So just let it be, consider it never exist, ok? No need to find it back, is not worth to take the time to find it back...make sense, right? Haha...

^.^

I ignore, ignore and ignore

Well, told you that I'm done with C. Then the next challenge is go through my so called weakness which is value and care for my friend very much. Since I told myself that I won't care about that anymore, I will realize my mind this time!!! And yet since last week onwards, I made it, today even better!!! Wish this kind of determination will last...haha ==|||

At first, it is hard, of course...So far, I appreciated the accompaniment of my MP3 player. C somehow I don't know whether is purposely or else, C talked quite loud. Well, I am with my world, immersing myself in music, so, don't wish to care much. DON'T WISH TO CARE THAT MUCH ANYMORE FROM THAT TIME ONWARDS!!! Or I shall say, I DON'T WANT to care anymore about C. Who is the right side or wrong side (even though is me), is doesn't matter anymore.

Correct me if I am wrong. That kind of people, I know C is smart, somehow, the smartness is used at the wrong place, by controlling people's mind and thinking, by using distracting people's mind as strategy before exam. Come on, please use your own wisdom, this kind of dirty tactics, I already "see through" (what a direct translation ==|||) Ya, C may show the kindness, however, if everything ask for return, then you better don't do good to us. I rather don't want this type of kindness. Found that C was like trying to gain attention or trying to 指桑骂槐 or whatever. Is not that I am "perasan", is that I know C's pattern. Again I said, correct me if I am wrong.

So, I want to apologize that I told some people that C changed. In fact, C doesn't change much, just change some of the strategies. Well, in terms of communication skills, ya, improved. However, if the basic doesn't change, even C change the latter also no use.

I IGNORE!!! Peace...^^

unconsciously or wronged myself?

After the crisis, somehow realized that I did wronged myself for a little bit sometimes. Noticed that myself acted stupid (I admit that I am noob sometimes), acted immature (actually I have a lot of thoughts). Some so called matured people said and thought I am not matured enough to go out to face the reality of the society nowadays, ok, is not a nice sentence, but never mind, I know myself better. Sometimes, know and "see" too much will create speechless and avoiding and then escaping situations. Sometimes, human being need to keep low profile enough. No need show how matured are you or how smart are you every time, and you might gain a good feedback or more respect for return.

Ok, acted stupid and blur seems became one of my "strategy". Well, is not really my strategy, is my physical condition caused me so. Thanks to my condition, allowing me to ask stupid questions that somehow got fruitful answer...^^ give stupid responses (most of the time is I have no idea what kind of response I should give, give you the response that you wished to? Or the response that you don't expect), I don't mind give stupid responses because I am not that smart, no need show off. I also don't mind to give the response that you wish to, since you are happy with it. Sometimes, I also think that, do I wronged myself to act like that? Well, sometimes, MAYBE I do like that to suit your arrogance, your ignorance, not that I am stupid to do so, is that if I become arrogant and like to show off like you, then there will be endless fight. Then I rather keep silence to observe. Or I just don't like to show off (even though I may have some talents), I no need to be in high profile, so as an ordinary student, I did act ordinarily in CONSCIOUSLY... make sense, right?

By the way, to face some kind of people, to suit their ignorance and arrogance, I better act stupid, to avoid being throw anything bad in a sudden, people just jealous you are very smart sometimes. Ya, I admit that, to act stupid MOST of the time is tired, but, is fine for me, tolerate...higher tolerance has become one of my characteristics started from the beginning of this semester.

Is tired, maybe I need to start to "ignore" and be a bit selfish, for my own sake.

I'm done!

Ok, crisis again...with C. Well, told you all that I can't feel the friendship bond between both of us. Sounds like we are taking advantage of each other rather than in a real friendship.

This time, I shall say, I am disappointed. Although C changed a bit, C doesn't really make the superficial change that can please people more, after all, looked at different aspect and angle, not to say I am prejudice or what, I can be considered the victim here... C's situation really fits the chinese saying: 换汤不换药. Well, since C realized that many people feel annoyed, C decided to change, apologized to those people, to become so called kind (not really after all, as C seems that ask something as return) and etc. At first I didn't really want to believe C. But then, I was thinking that have more friend than an enemy, so I some sorta forgive C, not fully. I was hoping C to be a better person, at least not making people feel annoyed by trying my best to tell C the reason behind all the scenarios, and until now, I also have no idea why am I so tolerant. So far, I am wrong, to C's changes (Not to say that I have great influence, is that I am trying to play my role as a friend; so, seems that, I have failed...?! My other friends said that C just very hard to change, so, at least I have done my role.)

Not I am the one who saying so, sometimes C shows pitiful face, or what so ever, that make people thinks that something very sad and making C looked so innocent is going on, even though C is the wrong side. C made such look that making us feel guilty, controlling our mind that we were so wrong to "bully" C like that, so wrong that we "torture" C's mind like that.

And maybe C took advantage of my characteristics: value my friends a lot. C some sorta make people "miserable" because C made people thinks that C (as my friend) is hurt and I am the one who value friends should forgive her or something like that. Is this a kind of friendship? Why I feel that I was being taken advantage in terms of mentally? Not to say I am angry, I just feel very disappointed. Not to say I ask something for return as I value friends, is that, I wish that you as a friend, you play your role as well. Just don't force me to scold C a "bitch" (unless this kind of person is pushing me to a certain limit, only I might scold this kind of words) as this kind of attitude for treating a friend, by controlling, by taking advantage, these kind of acts are hurting a friend seriously. What do you expect for my response to C's acts? Cry? Speechless? Feel being fooled? Sigh, I have no idea on how to describe the feelings now, but what I decided is: I'm DONE!!! I will ignore as much as I can to C's controlling, ignore C's distracting mind strategy. So, am I stupid to being controlled and until now only realized that?!

I think I have learned to ignore many things. Some things, the more I care, the more I feel hurt...

Conclusion: I'm done!!! (if can, I don't want to have friends like that)...

independence

My former Mp3 player R.I.P around one week ago, which caused me very nervous about it. I was very angry at the person who added the GREAT EXTRA injury to the Mp3 player, that actually slowly kill it. It was injured before it was with me. But I love it very much, even I accidentally knocked the earphone also I felt pain. When it was crashed hardly on the floor, by that idiot, I felt very 心痛, then only felt very angry to that idiot. I know it strove and struggled to serve itself until it really "dead" one week ago. I felt so sorry for it.

This Mp3 player was my companion, I rely on it, by listening to songs (my hobby as well, I LOVE music) when there is break time in campus, to avoid me getting stress that easily and also the lectures. Some lecturers are speaking and talking damn fast, hard to catch, and also because of I am easily fatigue, so I need it to do the recording in case I really dozed off. And to avoid me to think too much. When it dead, there is no where to get another Mp3 player that can replace it at that moment, until I heard about the PC fair at Penang. So I asked to go Penang, my friends welcomed me. I felt so touched. Lastly, I got a NEW MP3 player!!! Yeah!!! And oh dear, please wait ya, I sure will take you go and repair...T.T (the time is surely damn slow for you to pass)

In this week, at the same time, I was sick too, due to most probably the recurring inflammation. Was a bit suffering almost for the 5 days of campus-ing. I think I had screwed up one of my report, as I did it under great headache. Luckily condition was getting better in Wednesday afternoon. Started to get some light meal, such as meehoon soup. I need to bear the hunger, but no choice, I don't want the fever to recur before I sit for the Friday's test. So far, I can revise under the condition I expected, although not the optimal condition I was that time (you think you are enzyme? Optimal?!) So far, I didn't screw up the Protein and Proteomics test, just that I knew I can actually do better.

Seems that I gone too far...ok, come back.

Speaking of the "deceased" mp3 player, I need to be independent in terms of regulating the rising level of stress and also to avoid myself think nonsense and also train myself can revise lecture notes in a stress-less condition. I know I shall not rely on it all the time, but that week, just that a lot of challenges to a sick person. Ok, so far, I can cope it, is not that hard, though. I am happy for myself. Initially, on Monday, it was HARD for me, because felt like lost something, felt like something is not with me that day. I was a bit lost that day...T.T... Tuesday onwards, I let myself immersed in lecture notes, not to think the "deceased" mp3 player, since I can't do anything now, until I get back to hometown to find the rescue. But then I still feel sad... Is happy that, I was not desperate to find S for the dependence. I KNOW I SHALL depend on my own. I can now at least can focus more on revising lecture notes while in break time. ^^

I shall depend more on my own, in terms of spiritually.

cautious

Well, now, change feeling, change to another story.

Ever since had some sorta "silent fight", so called 冷战 by direct translation, I became even more cautious to the friend, let the friend be C here. Just don't know why, I think most probably is because C betrayed me before, even though C apologized, we became friends again, C always consider me as listener, then I listen. But then, the bond is not there. (Do I wish to have the bond-the bond of REAL friendship with C?!) I wrote some issues about C in another blog. However here, is mainly about my feelings, so, just talk about how I think and feel in this so called friendship. I don't like people 暗讽, especially C's tone, really felt annoyed. C somehow, sometimes really 换汤不换药, C's some attitude changed, but not all, especially those very annoying ones, still made people feel annoying and even feel that C was using certain kind of strategy to distract people's mind. I felt that too, so won't stand near C when there is test. I know C will try to distract my mind about the knowledge, about what I have studied.

Even now, still wanna try to distract people's mind by talking in the annoying way, asking am I prepared? As I may looked confident that day, or I looked cheerful that day. Like that also want to comment about it, I am speechless. And purposely talked that loud, until many people can hear, I hate that!!! (Ok, I know the voice is loud, I will try my best to ignore that.)

Now? Just act as normal, act as stupid as usual (sometimes I am indeed stupid ><) Trying my best to ignore those unnecessary and unhealthy talking.

Meditation...

neverending

Well, I asked my friend to read the blog. My friend who knows this kind of condition (I mean my friend experienced before), said that this kind of feeling would be 没完没了, so called never-ending. Huh?! Why? Is it because how I describe the situation? How I describe the situation and "environment" when I am mixing with S? Hmm, I see. But another thing is my friend said that from the blog, can be seen that I am been trying my best to overcome that kind of dependence feeling. Ya, I am struggling hard to overcome it. (Or should I say I am actually just let it be, no need struggle --> talking craps again)

Ya, I know that that kind of dependence feeling is just 一线之差 (is it called the small difference?) with the so called "like" feeling. I have been feel very annoyed and be in dilemma because of this. However, I try to make myself clear. The process was just kinda hard...T.T...

I have been got stuck within the response of avoiding and facing S. Facing S? Or avoiding S? Both of these might create the greater feeling of dependence and of course the never-ending condition. Well, now choose the former ones. But sometimes latter ones will "come" and interfere my thoughts. The latter ones I will deal it with the busyness, trying my VERY BEST to keep myself OCCUPIED. My life already occupied by studies and FYP stuffs and yet I am trying to make myself even occupied. Ya, you have seen the right words. I am trying to make myself EVEN MORE OCCUPIED (hope this won't create greater stress that cause me "suffocated").

Ok, continue my mission to make myself even more OCCUPIED...!!!

case solved?!

I have asked L to help me to tell S about my improved health condition (L willing to do so). Well, actually I was nervous about S's response after knowing this. Since don't know when, I refused to tell S about my getting worse condition. Last week, the regulatory and observation period passed and I shall see the effects of the prescribed medication. Somehow, it is doing well...^_^ So, I decided to tell S, at least I felt that S needs to know about this, since before this, it was like hanging there, S don't know the latter conditions. The most important thing is I just don't want to have anymore dependence feeling when I was in pain and getting worse period if I tell S.

On Tuesday, we had dinner in my room. Don't know why that day, I had my dinner in an extremely slow mode. And I clicked here, clicked there on my laptop, listening to songs, just to make up the mood to talk to her. When S asked to have dinner together the day before that, I felt something was "wrong", because S's habit is asking to join dinner on that day itself. I knew S sure will want to talk about that. Ya, I was right, S finished the dinner first then asked me for a talk. Suddenly my room became very quiet. Then S started the conversation, I continued the rest to tell S what happened. I am glad that S felt happy for me and understood my conditions. Somehow, I did feel relieved after telling S. (Another case solved)

Pain is almost gone totally. The swollen still there, so far I know that the swollen may not disappear, it might shrink only. But, just hope for the best... From this incident, we some sorta become better friends, the feeling is fading, because that day I chose to face S to talk about this.


To mention something here, the FYP (Final Year Project), make my life busy in this semester. It somehow make me organize my things better, make me organize my TIME better, make me occupied. I have less time to think too much, and the busyness of life after I started my FYP had slowly switch my dependence feeling away to non-living things. I wish to just throw all those unnecessary feelings to MS to be fragmented and just disappear, and won't want to have the McLafferty rearrangement, if not it will come back after rearranged...(talking craps again...=_=)

My life is better and happier compared to before this. Keep it up!!!

desperation

再一次，我有想要逃避的念头，不论是对我现在的疲惫的生活或我现在面对的状况。上次说了要勇敢面对S, 但是不知何时，那念头又冒起了。我对单独这词更加地投入，更加地显现它。(什么烂华语? =.=)

好, 那事我暂时不描述，因为我知道我的念头只是一时的冲动。

Well, there is a bigger crisis happened on me recently. I don't know whether is because of the prescribed medication caused me got into this kind of health condition or I already in physically and mentally exhausted, (especially mentally). Fatigue is getting even serious, even I slept and rest a lot, the time I used to sleep and rest is far more than that I used for study purpose. Whenever I wanna concentrate to study, not long after that, I start to feel damn sleepy. What the hack?!

And also in a sudden, some sort of got into "silent fight" with a friend that is recently close with me. She actually doesn't know what is wrong in herself and so called indirectly hurt the friends around her. Ok, frankly to say that, I know I am not perfect, but I can be a good friend, All the while, I know she changed a lot from her bad attitudes and habits, however, there are some haven't and all this while, I have been bearing all those stuffs that hurting... Well, I got hurt, and choose to just kept silence but don't want to bother or talk to her since yesterday. Then she was like realized my actions and responses, and felt weird. She talked to her friends that also close to me in class. But I can guess she couldn't get an answer. She asked me about that yesterday but I refused to talk about that on that time, as it really will spoil my mood for preparing for test.

Ok, I am actually mentally tired...I am not ready for the "debating", can I just leave this case?

miracles

Miracles did happened! Well, this is an update from the blog post entitled "脆弱的时候". As I did something to really leave up my ass to solve the problem that seriously cannot be delayed anymore, I got the feedback. Situation is getting better, especially my health condition. Some of my friends really did noticed that and felt glad for me too. THANKS, my friends!!! Really thanks a lot to those who always concern about and morally support me, is kinda warmth to me. Is touched...T.T

Now, tears won't be easily fill my time and life. Time, for me, almost not enough to be used, I NEED MOREEE TIME!!! Therefore, where is the extra time for me to think too much and to bear tears? No time, right? I am glad for myself for this. ^^

Indeed, I can feel the happiness in my life, especially recently. Before this almost 10 years back, I don't know and don't understand how to feel the happiness and joyfulness. Until I told all those good news to a friend who appear to be my listener that time, she convinced me that, I can actually celebrate for those good news already, and she is very glad and pleased that she can share a piece of happiness just by listening to me. Wow, is this really a kind of real happiness?

I shall be grateful for this...^.^ Thanks to everyone and the life that give me the real happiness. I will live more happily!!!

the courage

A "big slap" to myself.

Somehow, a few days ago, don't know where is the courage came from, I felt like telling the feeling of spiritual/emotionally dependence on S to one of S's close friend (let S's close friend is indicated as L at here, L also a friend that is I quite trust on). Am I totally insane? Okay, I already told L about this. And some sorta relieved. Well, the purpose I told this to L is because I felt that, the more I avoid from S, the more I think about S. And I also hope L can some sorta help me (in terms of listening or whatever), so that L also won't feel weird why did I refuse to tell S about my condition, why did I choose to avoid from S and also to reduce the awkwardness in myself.

One classic sentence from L was: You (whom is me) are stupid to avoid from S, and again, the more you avoid from S, the more you will keep on dependent on her. Why don't just let it be? Okay, L told me about L's own story that quite similar to mine and suggested me to think that is just a very close friendship (I didn't say is any love thingy towards S, is just that I scared I have the wrong feeling on S). Is that I am too "protective" and care more about S as I take S as an important person in my life nowadays. Sounds better, right? Somehow, I did felt relieved.

So what now? I shall not avoid from S anymore, but I will try to rely on myself more, find another non-living organism to depend on. As I am now considered very busy, time already fully occupied to be in campus, engrossment occupied my time, at least engrossment restrain me from thinking much about S...will remember that: JUST LET IT BE.

The most important thing is I must have the courage and determination to just let it be.

脆弱的时候

Seriously, since last week, everything is not going right, especially my health condition. I hope is not my 心理作用. Then I was thinking, those conditions I faced are affecting and causing consequences to me, is it still considered 心理作用?

I know I shall be STRONG. But also the time my soul becomes weak. I realized that I am even more rely on someone. And yet the person doesn't know my conditions. Well, I know there will be some doubts from the readers on the reason I do so. The someone is the one I was mentioning in the previous posts. I don't want to tell S is because I don't want to increase my reliability to S, especially now my soul is weak. Instead, I wish to be stronger than before, I wish to be independent in facing myself. I NEED to do it!!!

When I am alone, I am more keen to wanna cry. I feel easier to have tears, but of course haven't cry out. I isolate myself even often to avoid chaos and to avoid causing trouble to anyone. If I am with other people, I will just bear my conditions (if I am under the attack of the conditions). Am I considered stupid or stubborn?

Now, I tend to sleep more, to grab more time to sleep and rest while I still have the time, while I am still not fully occupied yet with stuffs. The worst thing is that the studies is affected by the health condition. I can't fully concentrate or sometimes cannot concentrate at all.

I really hope miracles somehow happens...

my biggest weakness

After get into university or I shall say all this while, I only realized my biggest weakness is dumb in dealing with feelings thingy, or relationship thingy. That's why I hate to be in relationship or has any weird feeling towards anybody, no matter is guy or girl. Then slowly, it transformed and made me not interested to be in relationship.

Twice in almost one and a half year. Dealing with those unsure feelings is making me insecure and making me in dilemma. I felt helpless when deal with those problems. I can only choose to talk to my good friend, and one or two who is I trust more in my study life. Thanks to them who help me by listening to me. Of course, those are only opinions, I need to solve on my own. Is all about my determination to get rid of them again.



Thought that I am independent enough, thought that my soul is strong enough, I thought I can depend on my own all the time. Recently, I don't know what's wrong with me, I felt like just rely on someone, I felt like crying as much as I can (oh gosh, I feel like crying now...T.T) Wanna just stay in my room, wanna just be alone, wanna to be just be quiet in my room, to think, to hug on my own, don't want to do anything; just to be ALONE and ON MY OWN. Facing my own body condition, my feelings, my emotionally disturbance, suddenly I feel helpless. Suddenly I become a coward, I am not as strong and brave-hearted to face those things like previously. Hope this is just a stage in short time, hope I can recover from that. Feeling helpless and in dilemma for so long time is so not like me, because of this, I was getting frustrated, irritated and mood swing (of course by other reasons too). Trying to be as normal in front of my friends. I am desperate sometimes, I want to cry but bearing all the time, even I am alone.

I feel like crying now...T.T

neverending arises

As I said in the semester break, I felt spiritual emptiness. And I said I can meet S again in my new semester. During the last 3 days of semester break, maybe I was enjoying for the trip in Penang, so I didn't feel that strong feeling of spiritual emptiness towards S. However, on Sunday, which is the end of my trip, got some sort of weird feeling arises. Before that, I actually thought that I lost that kind of dependence as I didn't feel like missing S.

These few days, met quite often with S. The feeling was arising again...I hate this feeling very much. Not to say purposely go and meet S (I am trying not to meet S without purpose), is actually bumped into it (with certain reason and purpose related), at least I need to make sure myself remain normal (for not to have spiritual dependence too much towards S) and rational for now.

Seriously, I still not sure that whether that feeling still present or not. I don't really dare to think and figure about it.

I had mood swing, impatience, great frustration yesterday. Then I wrote on the Facebook. I was actually touched when S concerned about that. (Craps, I must get rid of feel such feelings and write all those things on Facebook...maybe would make some people worry about me, sorry...I was trying to find a way to express my feelings that time, who knows I cause people worry about me). I don't know whether my condition improved or not, although S accompanied me to chat. Thanks to S for bearing my frustrated look (trying my best not to vent out that time), and not ignoring me, and willingly to help to relieve my frustration and bad mood although I didn't ask to.

Oh craps, am I in some kind of trouble now?!

random

The tears,
the pressure,
the life that seems directionless,
the stressful life,
the body that is corrupting,
the feelings that have already numb,
senseless,
clueless at sometimes,
I need a break...

mistake

Sometimes, when you get used to something, you just can't escape easily from it, and you may find that it is complicated, in terms of how you will deal with the problem, your feeling getting deeper when you already get used to that particular feeling and dependence. The problem actually is still there, it does not worsen, the thing is you lost control on yourself on how to deal with it.

Called S. These few days felt like got something not right. But sure has something gone wrong...(废话). Ok, I know I miss S, I just don't want to miss S so much. After called S, heard S's laugh, then I was feeling like I fixed that something back. I actually feel happy after chatted with S.

Crap! Great! Now, I hate myself for failed to depend on my own. Why must I spiritual dependent on S, some more S doesn't know that? (Well, S doesn't need to know this.) Come on, I think I need time. Just less than 2 weeks, I can meet S again. (Someone please give me a punch so that I can awake?)

I need time...I need to get rid of that.

the don'ts

Well, talked about the dependence of feeling towards somebody. I watched something from a drama series, I got to understand something. (Or should I say, there is something that I shouldn't do?)

"Everybody is lying, everybody will lie, should not trust anyone too much". Don't give out too much towards somebody, otherwise you may lost something. Ok, here is a question: since when I became weak until I need spiritual dependence, can't just I depend on my own and console myself? At least I don't need to feel spiritual emptiness. By the way, is anybody can define spiritual emptiness in better words?

I can just always pretend I am strong, tough, rock-hearted, but at the same time, I also wish I am weak too, I wish I can cry when I want to cry. When I want to cry, the Jekyll side of me told me that is stupid and useless to cry. Then always I am being defeated by the Jekyll's side of me, I bear the tears and carry on my stuffs, almost self-mutilate if I intend to cry. (Am I crazy for restrict myself to cry?! Or the part I said I almost self-mutilate?) So, when I restricted myself to cry, not long later i start to become frustrated and would lose temper in anytime. This kind of moment, music plays the role in comforting my soul and to search for peace by listening to songs I like (no matter how noisy is the song as felt by others). Oh, I think I need to find my real soul back. Why use the "real" word? Hmm, well, maybe the soul is there, but I can't feel it, so I need to find and feel it as it is there. Maybe because the "real" soul is "not with" me, so I feel spiritual emptiness now, which is very odd. Am I "psycho"? People always say that I am a weird person, even my parents said so too...

So what now... I shall not be weak, shall not over spiritual dependent to someone, especially to S (although S doesn't know this). The consequences is I will serious spiritual emptiness if the person is not with me now. Oh crap! Am I missing S now? I think I shall find books as my companion of spiritual dependence...

just feelings

Oh no, last blog was on February, I have abandoned it for long...>.< I seriously have no time to update my feelings and emotional status although I have a lot to express. I just expressed to my friends or just swallowed them on my own (mostly). No point adding people's worry towards me or expose my weakness to other people else. This is how I think. Well, for the past 2-3 weeks, is all about study, study and still study.

What I want to say here is about my feelings and my dependence towards someone. My friends always said I looked independent and strong; seriously, I very seldom cry, because cry makes people feels tired and crying still can't solve the problem after all. However, most of the times, I choose to not to cry, I use another way to express myself. Don't know in which day or which moment, suddenly I found that I actually spiritually dependent on someone, until I nearly misunderstood my own feeling and caused myself problem and be in dilemma. Had a conversation with another friend that is more familiar with relationship problems or maybe I shall say: I talked to another friend who is more experienced, and frankly to say that I am very dull and inflexible in dealing with this kind of problem. Is normal that someone is spiritually dependent on somebody else, you will feel like talking to the particular person about your feelings, wish the person to be beside you to lend you the shoulder, wish the person can just accompany you when you are crying or just need somebody to just sit beside you so that you would like feel safer. Well, I do meet a friend like that, let the person be S. However, I don't think S don't know that I actually spiritually dependent on S. I would feel like telling my feelings, can express the feelings to S while usually that I usually swallowed it. Just don't know why, I feel like I can talk to S without 顾忌, feel like always miss S, meet S, just meet S may make me feel relieved and not so stress and tensed up. Don't know why, S can somehow give this feeling to me. One day, when I was studying, until I felt very sleepy then almost fall asleep (face too long on notes, eyes and brain felt @@), then suddenly S's sms was arrived my hp, at first, I was like cursing who is the devil disrupted my falling asleep mode, but when I saw S's name appeared on the screen on my hp, suddenly I felt energetic and felt not sleepy anymore. When I knew that I can meet S quite soon, I found that actually I was waiting forward to it. (Felt so long time didn't meet S, felt like a bit 空虚, I have no place to express myself as I choose to believe S more than others here, no way for me other than just meet S can shift away my stress.)

When S felt sad, I felt sad for S too; when S happy, I felt happy too. Heard a lot of rumors about S, however, I know that this kind of thing-trustworthy need time to prove it. I do really hope I am not wrong, I do hope that I didn't believe in wrong people again. But what I can say is, if I am wrong in this, I think I would be very sad... sure I will cry over it. My old friends are not with me here, and phone calls can't settle everything, so in unconsciously, I spiritually dependent on S. A lot of people said that I am cool, I do have weak sides, and I cry too...just that I don't allow myself to be too emotional most of the time.

I do admit that I can't express myself well, unless the person get used to my style and knows what happened. S knows as I told before, S understands and chooses not to angry at me, I really appreciate it...appreciate S's tolerance towards me.

And what...? I actually likes S's smile. I admit that I don't know how to smile nicely or I hardly smile. S's smile gives me sense of safe and anti-depressant effect, so whenever S smiles, I will feel nice and less stress. So to show my appreciation, I always help S whenever I can, no matter big or small matter, because in terms of physically and daily life problems, I can face it, but emotionally and mentally, I hardly settle them well, sometimes I would think that how useless am I...

Thanks to S.