the don'ts

Well, talked about the dependence of feeling towards somebody. I watched something from a drama series, I got to understand something. (Or should I say, there is something that I shouldn't do?)

"Everybody is lying, everybody will lie, should not trust anyone too much". Don't give out too much towards somebody, otherwise you may lost something. Ok, here is a question: since when I became weak until I need spiritual dependence, can't just I depend on my own and console myself? At least I don't need to feel spiritual emptiness. By the way, is anybody can define spiritual emptiness in better words?

I can just always pretend I am strong, tough, rock-hearted, but at the same time, I also wish I am weak too, I wish I can cry when I want to cry. When I want to cry, the Jekyll side of me told me that is stupid and useless to cry. Then always I am being defeated by the Jekyll's side of me, I bear the tears and carry on my stuffs, almost self-mutilate if I intend to cry. (Am I crazy for restrict myself to cry?! Or the part I said I almost self-mutilate?) So, when I restricted myself to cry, not long later i start to become frustrated and would lose temper in anytime. This kind of moment, music plays the role in comforting my soul and to search for peace by listening to songs I like (no matter how noisy is the song as felt by others). Oh, I think I need to find my real soul back. Why use the "real" word? Hmm, well, maybe the soul is there, but I can't feel it, so I need to find and feel it as it is there. Maybe because the "real" soul is "not with" me, so I feel spiritual emptiness now, which is very odd. Am I "psycho"? People always say that I am a weird person, even my parents said so too...

So what now... I shall not be weak, shall not over spiritual dependent to someone, especially to S (although S doesn't know this). The consequences is I will serious spiritual emptiness if the person is not with me now. Oh crap! Am I missing S now? I think I shall find books as my companion of spiritual dependence...