just feelings

Oh no, last blog was on February, I have abandoned it for long...>.< I seriously have no time to update my feelings and emotional status although I have a lot to express. I just expressed to my friends or just swallowed them on my own (mostly). No point adding people's worry towards me or expose my weakness to other people else. This is how I think. Well, for the past 2-3 weeks, is all about study, study and still study.

What I want to say here is about my feelings and my dependence towards someone. My friends always said I looked independent and strong; seriously, I very seldom cry, because cry makes people feels tired and crying still can't solve the problem after all. However, most of the times, I choose to not to cry, I use another way to express myself. Don't know in which day or which moment, suddenly I found that I actually spiritually dependent on someone, until I nearly misunderstood my own feeling and caused myself problem and be in dilemma. Had a conversation with another friend that is more familiar with relationship problems or maybe I shall say: I talked to another friend who is more experienced, and frankly to say that I am very dull and inflexible in dealing with this kind of problem. Is normal that someone is spiritually dependent on somebody else, you will feel like talking to the particular person about your feelings, wish the person to be beside you to lend you the shoulder, wish the person can just accompany you when you are crying or just need somebody to just sit beside you so that you would like feel safer. Well, I do meet a friend like that, let the person be S. However, I don't think S don't know that I actually spiritually dependent on S. I would feel like telling my feelings, can express the feelings to S while usually that I usually swallowed it. Just don't know why, I feel like I can talk to S without 顾忌, feel like always miss S, meet S, just meet S may make me feel relieved and not so stress and tensed up. Don't know why, S can somehow give this feeling to me. One day, when I was studying, until I felt very sleepy then almost fall asleep (face too long on notes, eyes and brain felt @@), then suddenly S's sms was arrived my hp, at first, I was like cursing who is the devil disrupted my falling asleep mode, but when I saw S's name appeared on the screen on my hp, suddenly I felt energetic and felt not sleepy anymore. When I knew that I can meet S quite soon, I found that actually I was waiting forward to it. (Felt so long time didn't meet S, felt like a bit 空虚, I have no place to express myself as I choose to believe S more than others here, no way for me other than just meet S can shift away my stress.)

When S felt sad, I felt sad for S too; when S happy, I felt happy too. Heard a lot of rumors about S, however, I know that this kind of thing-trustworthy need time to prove it. I do really hope I am not wrong, I do hope that I didn't believe in wrong people again. But what I can say is, if I am wrong in this, I think I would be very sad... sure I will cry over it. My old friends are not with me here, and phone calls can't settle everything, so in unconsciously, I spiritually dependent on S. A lot of people said that I am cool, I do have weak sides, and I cry too...just that I don't allow myself to be too emotional most of the time.

I do admit that I can't express myself well, unless the person get used to my style and knows what happened. S knows as I told before, S understands and chooses not to angry at me, I really appreciate it...appreciate S's tolerance towards me.

And what...? I actually likes S's smile. I admit that I don't know how to smile nicely or I hardly smile. S's smile gives me sense of safe and anti-depressant effect, so whenever S smiles, I will feel nice and less stress. So to show my appreciation, I always help S whenever I can, no matter big or small matter, because in terms of physically and daily life problems, I can face it, but emotionally and mentally, I hardly settle them well, sometimes I would think that how useless am I...

Thanks to S.