阴晴不定

Kinda frustrated recently. Hopefully I won't get the reason right for the frustration. I lost my frustration to the room door, especially, and felt very annoyed of what I already felt annoyed to. However, I am kinda patient when I am driving, even more patient, which is surprising myself.

When I feel so frustrated and very emo, is surprising that the person I thought of is not that somebody, but Lord. I prayed. I did felt a little better after talked to Lord "in silence". Therefore I haven't lost my frustration to anyone yet, until got any complaint. However, I felt not very ok...

Well, is not that I am having PMS, and not emotional problem, I just feel annoyed and frustrated in a sudden, without I even can control and at last I noticed that.

Stop the crap, please...

想多了还是其实很复杂?

嗯，因为不愿意面对自己的感觉，又怕想得多会把它想成是真的，所以都没来这里抒发。

最近与他见面，我知道我是不喜欢也不习惯正眼对着别人说话。对着他说话，也是这样，虽然我猜想，也感觉到他对别人，对我说话时是正眼看着我的。我只是有时会与他对望一下，却让我看见让我舒服，让我感到可靠的微笑。嗯，可靠这词好像用得不对，怎么说呢，我想这不能以笔墨来形容吧，这是一种感觉，他的笑容总是能让我不拘谨自己的面孔，笑出来，因为我不怎么爱笑。

会想念那笑容，这代表什么?

我总是很调皮地与他讲话，好笑的是，我们都是用英语，有时掺掺来交谈。他总是会在每说完几句话就笑的，就是喜欢看他那笑容。

我喜欢, 现在其实在想那笑容。

一厢情愿还是太容易感动?

那时的我，心灵上也许有点脆弱，别人看不出，因为自己硬撑了。遇到一个关心自己的朋友，因为她比较年长的关系，所以突然我想要一个姐姐。也因为她比较年长，也基于一些原因，我就知道她不会陷害我，不会对我假情假意，所以我让她关心。我与她相处也比较开心，舒服。不是说我不让其他朋友关心还是什么的，只是，想说：我受够了，朋友背叛了友情，我有时不太相信身边的朋友，即使他们看起来有多真诚，当然我是不会先对别人假情假意，但若我还是受到无理及无礼的对待，我现在在问自己我是不是在笑里藏刀还是敷衍那些人，有时，我发觉我在这方面还蛮在行的(有点贬义的说)。

与她说话，谈天，真的很舒服。我还记得她曾经说过，想哭的话，找她吧，她可以给我一个怀抱，还说我俩够平，所以没什么距离，可以抱得蛮实的，有点被炸的感觉吧，但感觉还蛮温馨的。我到最后都没找她，因为不要别人看见我哭的样子。

与她谈话时的感觉是与其他朋友谈话时的感觉是截然不同的。也许这样，我容易被她的话语感动，也比较听她的话，虽然一些比较要好的朋友用同一些话来告诉我。

曾经喜欢她，因为她给我的感觉就像一个姐姐在关心她的妹妹一样。但是，这感觉真实吗? 还是她只是履行了身为一位朋友的责任，也许比较亲切而已。

a so called good news

Well, after bearing the pain for long, finally took the damn steroid. I guessed my stubborn on not taking the steroid has made my body almost out of the steroid, therefore, the second day I took the steroid, my mood obviously got better. The pain obviously reduced. Guessed because of the steroid is flushed out of body system for some time, body couldn't recognize and can accept better the steroid. Tolerance limit gone, I guess.

Well, not sure whether the insomnia I experienced is the result of the steroid or not, I had insomnia for few days, not to say not sleeping at all, I slept very little and totally awake during the day. I am now paying the consequences, sleep a lot, often feel hot temper. I can feel that when chatting with friends online. They also asked why I am so frustrated. Sorry, friends, I couldn't help it.

I am not in pain now, the steroid has shown its effect on reducing the pain. Still waiting to see a right doctor for solving the problem. Still searching...

不知名

都不知道从何时开始，心情有点恶劣的说。当然，心情恶劣也不会这么没风度把它放在脸上，也许脸会比较酷而已。

知道在忍痛，却死都不承认，好听来说，说是忍惯了。难听来说，说自己是固执，不肯接受事实，乖乖去吃药；但是要吃的药，杀伤力，后遗症也真多的。最后，还是忍不了，吃药去了，因为如果不吃药，我会被自己给烦死了...被自己要爆发但又忍下来的意念给拉着。

最近只是与比较要好的朋友说出我的感受，我以为我忍得了，我以为我能忍得并把一切感受给收藏起来，可是我不能，也许我不是如大家所说的这么坚强，可以什么都忍着，什么都不说，默默承受。

Sudden emo

I knew that I am having mood change. I knew that I don't feel good. I knew that I feel something is not right.

I just can't find out the reason that time...and finally I realized the root of the mood change...

亲切感

When chatting with HH, I will always feel the closeness and warmth or in chinese we called it as 亲切感, feel like I am having an elder sister who loves me, like a family member.

HH knew my health condition...hmm, HH was the one who asked me this, because I told her about something, then this question popped up. Had no idea why I felt so relieved and warmth after I said those out and I remembered I cried after I typed all that in the chat room.

As time goes by, almost half a year I faced the worsen health condition...All the while I strove, and all the while, my close friends know about this, I got the blessings from God too...although my close friends can't help much, their moral support did gave me strength, apart from God's. I seldom cry, but they lent me their shoulders when I need it...

How great it is if HH is my sister...XP, have been very long since I felt this kind of closeness...hmm...

worsen

Seriously, I hate to think of the title every time when I started to write every post... *zzz* (LOL)

Well, 2 months ago, is all started with I felt the excessive sleepiness although I slept much more earlier than when I was still in student life, next was my voice turned coarse in a sudden and this is NOT caused by heaty (I am pretty sure about this). Not long after that, I felt the pain at the neck part, followed by the hardening of the swollen near the thyroid gland. I knew is happening again...T.T However, I can somehow face it with calmer heart, compared to before, my inner peace is stronger now...no one would actually know that I am in pain as I can bear it quite well (this is something not to be so proud about...=.= -> well, I am just trying to console myself...) I prayed even harder after the pain started. So happened that, I really got stronger inner peace for that. God really blessed and loved me a lot.

Now, whenever I feel pain, I will need, mainly, cope with the physical side effects that brought by the sickness. I admit that, the physical side effects caused problem to my job...is really not a good sign of good worker as you always fall asleep or feel sleepy. Not to say I find excuses (for I always fall asleep after sit and facing laptop for too long), which that is my medical problem, but, this is the TRUTH. So, if possible, I would just keep standing and walk around (the most serious condition I ever encounter was I can even fall asleep while I was standing) or make myself busy, or WISH that I have a lot of things to deal with, so that I won't feel pain and focus on my work. The worsen part...the 6 days-course of medication of prednisolone is no longer effective to make the inflammation and pain totally subside and my appetite suddenly increases (I have no idea whether this is effect of stress or from the prednisolone's). Guess I am immuned to the current dosage? This caused me to bear for the pain for more than a week, the current situation: I bore the pain for at least 2 weeks...T.T , I hope I never hurt people if my emotions did changed. Sorry if I did.

Well, I am finally forced to visit the doctor for this worsen conditions...my close friends already forced me to do so...the ever worst thing is my parents still don't know my current condition...I wonder did they realize my voice has turned coarse... Ah...damn it...I just don't know how to talk to them about this...

恼人

说真的，曾经，一度怀疑自己对你的感觉...虽然，最后的那一次是半年前，而我也摆脱了那差点害惨我的感觉。就在大约一个月前，遇见了你，找到另外一种依靠，当时就快疯了，但仔细想，我似乎把他当成精神支柱，另外一个所谓心灵的代替者，那种精神支柱，至少我那时的情绪，心情得以解脱。

说真，对着你，我知道我的问题，我的情绪一定会好转，因为我把你当成了是神派来的使者，我也知道，我想我知道我是被考验着...

自己，不要再迷惑了...清醒...要清醒...

dilemma...a great one

Well, was actually kinda in dilemma which nearly caused me lose concentration during work. Was kinda depressed because i still can't get the solution until now. I know that decisions, evaluations, considerations and deliberations is kinda much, and it is very important to not jump into conclusion so fast by only taking one side's opinions. Opinions are after all opinions, at last, the decision still on our own call, therefore, overall considerations with not affected by others is needed in final decision.

Currently am in a rubber factory be a lab assistant, doing QC work on rubber samples, either their own production or from other manufacturer. This can be considered a chemistry field. Well, seriously to say, the working environment I am facing now is not up to my expectation. Ok, just a little complaint from that. Seriously working life now, for now, can help me kill time, gain some pocket money, can help me by think deeply on my own interest. Instead of thinking of it at home and doing nothing at home, why not think about it during work, maybe I will have more inspiration on considering for every aspect. Plus I should not be choosy as a fresh graduate, try everything, everything will be new for me. Try to like my job, even though the working environment might not as what I expected.

For further studies, or continue working after my convocation...I have consulted from Him for this. To further studies, a lot of procedures need to be followed and not that easy to get that. Working...am I really going to work in rubber factory for long? How about other fields'? My friend told me that, I have to decide properly, think properly, and tell Him my thoughts then left this to Him to lead me to the way (if I am not mistaken or misunderstand the meaning). After this, just left Him to lead me and answer my prayer. Is it when I tell Him my decision, I shall not judge it and accept it? Ah, is so hard to express my dilemma now about passing my prayer to Him. I told this to my friend who is a Christian. Well, until now, I still haven't get my words organized and tell my friend the dilemma on this. About trusting and leave it to Him and to not judge, etc. Oh, headache...

My choice and field of interest for now is...pharmaceutical chemistry or technology, or drug design... Who knows later I might get interest in polymer chemistry...DILEMMA...

Weird

Well, is kinda weird for me today. Dinner with family at the dining table. Normally, either one of the family members not there or I will just avoid from being together. Today, all of us sat together and have dinner. Because three of us (my two brothers and me) wanted to go to watch movie, so we kinda ate quite fast. Although is like that, still feel weird because all of us eat together. Well, many people will say that this is just a normal thing, why should I feel so weird about. This is because, I used to always avoid from being together, as I don't like being asked this and that, being asked on those questions that I don't feel like answer, and most of the time would end with quarrel. Today, was a little rush, so, don't get to talk too.

Now, get to be at home...I somehow scared that, there will be even more quarrels. So, if no need to talk much, I will try not to talk so much...(to be continued)

a happy day

Well, yesterday was the day, the happiest that I ever experienced after stay so long in Kampar, the feelings and the warmth atmosphere with friends. I guess, I am the last one to leave Kampar among my classmates, as I need to send my thesis to be hard bounded, and at the same time, I need some space and peace mind to do some thinking here about my future plan, and things to settle in campus. Although is a little bored, but my friend, H still here and S too. That time, I feel it would be nice because this two good friends are here. S also needs to send her thesis to be hard bounded, therefore, stays in Kampar too.

Needed to send something to H, so, I went to H's house with S. Then we talked and laughed for more than an hour outside the house...LOL. That time, what I can say is, the happy feeling and the warmth, I feel the nice and happy feelings when talking with them, seriously, I never feel that happy before; not to say that I don't feel happy with other friends, happy feelings also can be divided into different levels. Maybe our age difference is not big, so, we can talk and laugh like nobody's business. I remembered H told me that, if my birthday is near, she will organize a make-over party for me to change me into a more girlish GIRL for a day...H mentioned that again yesterday, and both H and S were like challenging me...lol, I was like laughing and said that if both of you remember and daring, but need to wait until next year...LOL. Guess what, I felt warmth for this. Then H talked about her experience about her and her "kaki" organized a party for her friend who is actually pretty but likes to wear boyish clothes. Then everything was so funny until we LMAO. One thing that was very FUNNY is, she said that the birthday star's feedback on the birthday present was: 谢谢你们"强暴"了我...OMG, it was so so FUNNY, not only that H's tone was funny when saying this, and also H's facial expression, laughed like hell that time, the three of us. I enjoyed the moment very much, because I don't get to laugh like that, even though with the friends that I think is very close.

Although is just a short chat (maybe some of you think is long), but seriously to say, I felt very happy. I posted on Facebook, saying that 似乎好久没这么开心过了，谢谢你们两位朋友, actually referred to both of them, and I guess they knew what I meant, because they "Like" my status on Facebook, this happy feeling, is hard to express by words as described in chinese saying "非笔墨所能形容", but I would never forget this. I guess the most probable explanation is I like this two friends, and I appreciated their help on me.

pour out

I slept at around 0430 this morning. Yes, 0430, you see the right time, and I woke up around 0930, without the aid of alarm clock.

Why I slept that late...I poured out to a friend, and in a coincidence, I was insomnia that time. I couldn't sleep at all. Some problems bother me for long, and I guess I chose to ignore and avoid rather than facing it. I am sucks in the relationship with parents, we can't communicate well. Due to the quarrels for my health condition, I hid from them and avoid from talking about this issue until now. I need time to sit down and think with peaceful mind. When I talked to H, I don't know why, I feel like I annoyed her so I ended the conversation, I really feel like I annoyed her and bothered her too much on my so called personal problems. Then chatted with another friend, whom I know I can trust to, talked until I cried, but because of just typing it out, I can't release my real feeling. Then with an urge (not from myself, is like SOMEONE urged me), I talked to another friend, who is S that I mentioned in previous posts. I can't recall how long we talked, but I talked until I cried, maybe this is the main urge, cry. I thought that I can handle this alone, I thought that I can avoid this for long even though feel like ignoring that first. The past experience somehow stopped me from step forward to solve the underlying problem.

I cried a lot when poured all out to S. Then we talked a lot too. First time ever cried in front of a friend, normally I cry when I am alone. However, as usual, I avoided the eye-contact, when i poured and cried, my face was facing the door or wall. I knew S understood that. It was a long and deep talk. I appreciated the moment, it made me relieved. And thanks to H for being supportive, even though S said that H won't mind all these. Ya, I think I can agree with S that, if H ever feels annoyed, she won't chat with me for so long. That night, I had a better sleep, a deeper sleep, even though I didn't sleep much. Seriously, I really feel thankful to God and them who be with me at that moment. I felt a sudden relief at that moment.

On the other hand, the dyspnea condition is getting worse. It happened even more often, until I almost call for help to go to the hospital, well, why would I said that I "almost call"? It is like, I feel like I don't trust those doctors or nurses, and I don't feel like cause trouble or burden to the people that care for me a lot. I will feel sorry if I cause them to worry on me. I bear it until very hard. My chest was so tight, dizzy and I hardly breath well. Sometimes, I even get shocked and woke up in a sudden, during afternoon nap. I tried very best to make myself looked alright, and I can guess people will be asking, what for?! Well, those are my reasons: I don't wish to see friends that care of me worry about me, I don't wish to let them see me in such a not fine condition that time. Really hope that this condition won't persist long, seriously, I really scared...

During the FINAL exam

I guess everyone would have the same response in going through exam period: study, of course...what else that you can do? Well, my focus is not this, of course, I need to study, study hard indeed, but many things happened in between and I strove to get through it and I am glad that God and friends were there to support me morally and mentally.

Strove very hard during the exam period, the weather started to become very hot, it made my room like an oven, a natural sauna for almost 24/7, and it made me felt like I wanna move into the fridge to study instead...lol. My health condition, hyperthyroidism that caused my body temperature slightly high, well not to say high, but easily get very hot easily, the indicator is my palms are HOT, not cool or warm. Besides, the body got very hot, as though I am having fever, fine, all these I can tolerate with it, because I am used to it, just that the increased level made me a little impatient. For studies sake, I bear with it. Next as the second side effect, headache and dizziness came to strike me in a sudden and often, not because study too hard, is that the side effects of consumption of prednisolone finally showed its side effects and those tortured me a lot. Headache and dizziness when doing revision is a torture. I prayed to God that, I need a clear and peace mind to study and let the facts adsorbed to my brain cells, and of course not letting the headache and dizziness screwed up the exam. And guess what, the headache and dizziness didn't show up at the time I was sitting for exam until I finished the paper on that particular day. Third paper, also the second last paper was in 3 days time, the next day after the second paper, because of headache, sudden great pain on the neck, exactly at the thyroid glands part, I lied on bed to rest, I had no idea whether I fainted or I fall asleep, I only knew that, it was a nightmare for me that moment, woke up with no pain, however, sweat like hell (seems one of the side effects too) and the headache still stroke me a little. I told my friend...which until now, I thought that I shall not tell that out...but H knew this, as I saw her online that time, H is the one I wished to talk that time, I had no idea why. That was the worst nightmare that I ever had.

Next, during exam period, high cortisol level is normal, and it increases appetite, too, but the effect was doubled on me because of my health condition. That was the first side effect: increased appetite as a result of prednisolone. Third side effect: short of breath, I know hyperthyroidism will cause difficulty in breathing and short of breath, but it came too often. Fourth side effect, it messed up my menstrual cycle. It came much more earlier than it should be. I guess this was not that serious, because menstrual cycle can be messed up by stress too. Fifth, insomnia, for some people, they would be happy because they can keep on study, but brain is left no rest, can cause severe fatigue and reduced productivity. I had been insomnia for a few days. Damn it!!! I guess I am lazy to describe the other side effects because was not significant enough to affect me.

Every night before I slept, I prayed to the God that, no matter how bad the side effects were, I just wish to have a peace mind, and wish that the side effects won't screw up my exam, I wish to overcome it with calm heart and mind. I went through all these smoothly. Thank God and to my friends who were there to support me. I guessed I didn't cry much during that period because I knew that I was being tested and challenged my patience, and thank God that my mood doesn't being affected, if not, the condition would get worse, even without all those side effects.

After the exam, I thought the pain will come back to strike at me even harder, well, it DOES NOT. I guess He heard my prayer that I do not wish to take prednisolone anymore? I admitted that prednisolone did helped me relieve the pain, but I couldn't deny it would bring destruction too. Seriously to say that, I had no idea and I forgotten how I gone through that tough period, but I am proud to myself and praise the Lord for all these.

End of my Degree in Uni life

Well, 11:00am of 11/5/2011, Wednesday, that's the end of my FINAL semester examination and also the end of my Degree life. However, no one actually shout out or very excited. Why? I guess was due to the last 2 papers that actually almost "killed" all of us. Seriously, when I read the first question, it almost made my heart sunken. I was so scared that I thought I couldn't remember at all. However, I managed to cool and calm myself down, and tried to recall as hard as I can.

Here, I would want to thank a person that meant a lot to me during this semester, let the person as H (is a she). Well, she is my lecturer, and is a very YOUNG lecturer. Just since don't know when, I get quite close and good with H, and ya, we are friends too, other than lecturer-student relationship. Is all began with H has clicked "Like" and commented on one of the photo of "Bible study" album on Facebook. Then I was surprised and from that moment, we started to chat and get on well. H leaded me to express my problems, my difficulties, from the way H talked to me, I know He has sent someone that can actually share my problems and my feelings. I told H that I know I couldn't disturb and add on burdens on my friends that are having exams even though they said they are fine with that, I just know I couldn't, so H offered to be my listener. H had made some mind maps that helped us to understand well and focused on the part that we shall emphasize in. H somehow inspired me in doing mind maps for the last 2 subjects, where the notes organization is actually quite a mess, because I somehow complained that the notes are really a mess and is THICK. H said, why not just do the mind maps, it can help you to remember better, and H said that the mind maps helped a lot to get through her whole Degree life. H shared that her Masters' degree is research-based. H enjoyed a lot and mastered good techniques, this somehow like inspired me, A LOT. I actually did mind maps, and guess what, they really helped me a lot. I can remember that the answers for the questions in final exam paper is in the mind maps. I felt and experienced the benefits of mind maps, because previously, I do not trust on mind maps and mind maps are a waste of time. However, this is the first time and last time for me to experience its power...a big thanks and appreciation to H again.

A big challenge for studying for the exam in this semester, where, the weather is killing people, especially it is worse on me which I have hyperthyroidism (my metabolic rate very high, I always feel hot, and this weather worsen the symptoms that I was facing), and certain medication which side effects showed up one by one, BIG BIG CHALLENGES to me. I prayed to God and I am glad that H supported me morally. The biggest help that H ever done, maybe to some people, it is like nothing, but it meant a lot to me, on Monday, after the Plant Biochemistry paper, and of course is time for me to revise for Toxicology paper, my very last paper for my Degree. I asked H for permission to study in her house, as I know her house is actually much more cooler than my room. H agreed. When I went there, was almost 11:30pm, H let me to stay overnight at her house, and even asked me to go sleep in her room, but I rejected...lol, don't ask me why. I remembered we chatted a while, H was marking thesis and I was studying the last 2 chapters for the first round for Toxicology. The environment in her house is just nice and I managed to complete the first round of revision, and the facts is adsorbed better to my brain cells. This help is so so precious to me. I couldn't express more, conclusion is a BIG thanks to H. I really appreciate it. In fact, I was so touched that time. If not, I will get cooked in my own room. You can imagine that horrible weather and the productivity of revision is MUCH reduced. Without her help, I couldn't have completed my second round of revision.

I got back my marked thesis. I don't know what is the grade for my project, could I just assume that my work is appreciated and is well done?! Well, I guess everyone will think like that too. I thanked her by face for inspiration of the mind maps. Then I told her that I will bring something for her.

After I back from hometown yesterday, I was emo, in a sudden, as promised, I brought some nice food from hometown and I talked with H for almost 3 hours. Besides that, we also talked about other issues, anything that we can talk about. I was surprised that H actually talked to me about some issues that other people shouldn't have know. I appreciate the trust. You know what, everything was just a relief, I felt a lot better after talked with H. It worked every time. I also know He also did the favour to me. Thank God.

Just now, gathering with a friend, actually was a bit disappointed that the others that I really care of (juniors but also my friends) can't join. However, am glad that the friend that joined me for dinner, we always care for each other, and I know the friend is a person that is inner-directed than most of the friends. The friend said that the others agreed for this gathering but just...well, a bit "speechless" and disappointed. What I want is just a gathering, nothing much. Is not to say that I wish for return for what I did, or is it bad to ask for at least a little bit appreciation? Well, whatever. People who knows me, will know what I am trying to explain here.

I am glad that I met a lot of friends and nice though, I am glad that they came into my life, enlighten and cherished my Uni life. I will always remember this 3 years that brought a lot of memories to me.

Experience with Him

Well, first of all, a good news here, at 8:50am, 12/4/2011, I handed in my thesis!!! Then, 18/4/2011, Monday, my boss (supervisor) asked me to submit him the hard bound thesis. For your information, and if I am not mistaken, I heard that from my previous batch onwards, there are no more hard bound copies needed in library as too much space is being taken up. But why my boss asked me to do so AND the most important thing, the hard bound thesis wouldn't be cheap. Then my seniors (students who were under my boss's supervision) said, my boss likes to collect thesis. Then does that mean my thesis is being appreciated? Let it be that...it can make me happy.

Ok, coming back to the main topic. Before I really started to do my thesis, I faced a lot of problems, the MAIN problem is I hadn't got my full title yet, until the week before my viva session, on Week 10, which was 25/3/2011. Because of not having got the finalized title yet, I couldn't start writing my thesis. And in the process of preparing the presentation, I faced some health problems. I consulted the doctor, but I didn't get an explanation that really satisfies me; but the doctor's explanation is the only answer I have now. So, for now, I have to just accept it. It's all caused by the inflammation of the thyroid gland, the pain will appear whenever I experience great stress. Great stress, how stressful it is, I think I am now immune to that term "stress". I probably don't realize that I am under great stress after being stressed for long. Well, the pain alarmed me, whenever I was under great stress. The tendency to experience pain is due to stress, as mentioned by doctor. So, I couldn't do my things with a calm mind. And surprisingly I cried quite often - why a surprise, it's because I very seldom cry, I am not someone who cries easily. The pain can be due to the inflammation or due to the stress. Whether it is the inflammation or not, can be determined by a blood test.

Anyway, fast-forward .... The pain irritates me A LOT. I tend to lose my temper, get frustrated, very often, even if I'm alone in my own room, with my own things.

But, thank God, I have never hurt anyone out of this frustration. I told God that I wouldn't want to hurt anyone because of my frustration. I told Him that I wish to have a peaceful mind to complete my things; I don't want to cry. However, there was a particular moment one time, when my mood had gone very bad. Everything seemed out of control and I cried a lot. And I called Pastor Lean See. She and Pastor Steven prayed with me to Him. Guess what? I felt a great relief after that.

(My face expression used to always betray me before this. But not since I started to complete my writing of the thesis and after my viva session. As I get to the end of my project I have made more friends and we get on well. Two days ago, my friend (who is my junior and we get on well) told me that he could tell that I was bearing the pain...Oh gosh, is it really that obvious? But I know no one can actually tell that I'm in pain, unless they really observe me carefully). At the time that I was dealing with my presentation and the thesis writing, almost everyday, I told Him that I wish to complete my things peacefully and smoothly. On the day of the presentation, before I entered the room, I kept praying that I don't want to feel nervous, I want it to be natural and smooth. And it was exactly that - it went so well that my partner asked me how come I was so calm during the presentation. Haha. Thank God that I could go through it smoothly. During the thesis-writing, I felt calm although the pain did strike at me. However, I am strong enough to face that, I am confident enough to face that, because I can feel that He somehow helped me by not bothering about the pain and just being able to concentrate on my thesis writing.

I thought perhaps it would be very painful again after I completed my thesis? And guess what, it WAS. My mood started to become bad again.And once again, I asked Him, Why? I asked Him what to do. Then that same day, I started to take the medication that I REALLY HATE as the medication causes various side effects. I talked to Him once again. At least I feel calm starting from last week. Now, I'm on my final mission in completing my Degree, my university life, which is to go through the FINAL exam which starts on 28th of April. I do wish He will be with me to go through it with me; I have prayed this.

the busy life yet contented

Oh gosh! I have been "disappear" from blogging for more than one month!!! =.= You can imagine how busy am I during the period.

Well, to conclude, I had a wonderful birthday. The happiest thing was the whole class sang the birthday song for me, in the LAB...omg, made me so paiseh that time...XD. Thanks, classmates!
My friends invited me to have home-cooked dinner. Thank you!

I wanted to blog, but...the perception of perfection as my principle somehow "constraint" me from doing that, because i don't want my blog to be looked bad, means, I do MIND about my language power, or did I meet the title that I set. (So fussy, am I ?!)

Ok, cut the crap. For the past few weeks, was in certain physiological condition. Was in pain quite frequent, however, only some friends knew it (of course, this kind of things you want to spread to anywhere ?!) In this critical period, where assignment, presentations, tests, etc all are meeting their dateline or their arrival, I feel like I have no time to deal with those physiological pains...especially the pain that caused by my inflamed thyroid glands or it is just causing pain, because of the tendency I am facing, need to get certain drug, until I get to seek another alternative.

Was in the pain on last 2 weeks. Then I cried even often, maybe I was just too weak that time and no one that I wanted to ask for help (or I just don't want to burden anyone, or to make people to worry so much for me, or I feel that they are heartless with the perception that those people will say something like "who cares? This is your business, your own thing, none of my business, your fault for not taking care!") Yup, I can feel those people would be saying so. That was part of the reason that I thought I cried that often for the past 2 weeks. Or I just don't want to make those that concern about me worry about me. Ah, whatever and whichever. I can't really remember all these.
I hid all these from my friends, even my housemate who is also my classmate. You can imagine how good I hid it. Then I asked for help, from a friend, who is a pastor. She prayed with me with her husband, through the handset. Amazingly, I felt ok since then. Not to say, the pain gone or I am not emo ever again even since then, is just that I have more strength to overcome all those things, that happened to be my obstacles during this critical period. I can feel that He is being with me. I gained the strength, the confidence, etc to face all the challenges which are coming.

Thanks to You. For not because who I am, is because who You are, is not because what i have done, is because what You have done. Thanks for being with me...

just a little bit unhappy

Things that will make me mad the most is quarreling with parents. Every time when start quarreling, will end with unhappily, in the sense of everyone won't give up scolding or prove themselves right (true fact for most of the quarrel, indeed) No one is that stupid that would give up, including me.

In one day, quarreled 2 times. First with dad, another one with mum. Both quarrels happened in less than 10 hours. Both talking the same thing, and I damn hate the way they talk. *Speechless*. Then the next quarrel, the same thing, happened again, I fought back. Don't every time talk to me in that kind of tone. Then after a half day, for a certain reason, one of my parents need to call me, the tone changed drastically. Conversation ended well.

In the pain, still need to raise the voice to argue, and in a good sense that, I can put off my irritation, of course telling them why I will behave so. In terms of mental status, at least I put off my irritation, In terms of physically, I may suffer a greater degree of pain, because of "shouting" a lot to the handset during quarreling...*Speechless again*.

irritation

Damn! Please, please help me get through it. I don't want to be in irritated condition. It might bring certain form of consequences if I am irritated. I might hurt people or myself.

Ok, irritation level is increasing. That's why I prefer to be alone and not to mix with other people in talking or having meal. Or before this, I may ask my friend to join, so that I can express myself, but then, I prefer to be alone.

Is grateful that people don't know that I am in pain and am bearing pain, however, irritation is quite obvious if someone really annoyed me. I just wish the irritation also don't show up so often. I really mean it, ok...I am not joking. If I am in irritation, I know I just can't do anything well, ended up screw up things...that's bad, right? (讲废话)

Come on, irritation, decrease your level, can? I am trying my best, so please, cooperate with me, ok?! I just don't want to spoil my day with irritation that might persist for whole day.

clash? crash? crush?

Ok, my mood for these few days, almost like the one sounded in title.

Seriously, I don't really enjoyed much for this CNY celebration. Well, and certainly not because of the duration of the holiday, not because of the weather, not really because I am over 20 years old now...whatever... All because of the pain that was started last Saturday. Ended on Wednesday. The thing is, I can feel that the pain haven't fully subsided yet, therefore, inflammation haven't really subsided yet. So how now? Ya, wait until it is getting worse. (And which means next time I would need steroid to make the inflammation subside? Oh, seems to be that way...)

About seeing a doctor, seems like the frequency of the recurrence of the inflammation caused me not to drag this matter anymore.

Ok, drag? Or no drag? My friend is offering herself to accompany me to see the doctor. That time, I was seriously no idea on why I said so...I said that I don't want to be alone to visit to the doctor anymore...(but every time I hid from my friends about this). And now, if anything is getting worse, I think I shall go alone, ya, to avoid my friend from worrying about me. Ish, I feel like drag until I completed my final semester. Can I? Can...can...can??? Am I able to bear that? Of course I need to know what is happening on me. I know the stress level is getting high, what I can do is just try not to be so stress. I suffer not much negative effects in terms of negative emotional changes, thank Him for that. The pain, I may looked ok, however, how far I can bear for it? I knew that the pain has somehow caused my face to be very "cool", my friends "teased" that my face expression is making people scared of me. As people always said, tolerance and patience has its limit. Well, I guess I have to find another way to drain off the effects that brought up by the increased stress level.

In a "conclusion", this CNY ain't bring much joy to me......WHATEVER!

Uninstall

Today, I posted a new "status" on Status Updates segment. Then not long after that, my friend, who actually we got back our friendship just few days ago, asked me about that; seriously, I was so surprised that time. She asked why was I so angry, as "sounded" on my status. I replied by saying that I am actually not angry, but just feel great disappointed.

Disappointed on?! I feel disappointed because I can't hold the friendship with you, I am not good enough to bear with you, to bear with your faithless personality, if I didn't get this term wrong, I am not good enough to be sincere to you long enough while I am actually getting hurt from how you treat me. I had told myself, IGNORE you. Ya, ignoring you. Ya, I won't get myself to care about you anymore. I will let go, but I won't forget how you treat me. From how you treat me, I am so understand this saying: 不是别人不在乎你，是你把对方看得太重. I am care of my friends, so I am "regret" for 把你看得太重? Ya, maybe. However, I know that I have done my responsibility as a friend. Many people knew that I was hurt as a result from what you have done. Well, there is another explanation that I can tell them, mentioned above.

(Seems like run off from title) Ya, for those bad memories from last year, wish I can uninstall them. I posted a post on Facebook, saying that: Uninstall. Then my friend replied that: ya, is the time for new "system". Lolz, yup, is time for new system, new life and better memories, make those bad memories as lesson.

In the progress of uninstalling. Wishing myself luck.

Since I uninstalled the feelings towards S from my mind, I felt in peace now. I won't want myself to deal with those matters again, NOT ever again...

random

Just now, chatted with a friend, who is a senior studying Master of Science.

She suddenly asked me a lot of things and some sort of expressing herself? Ya...I am grateful and appreciate her trust on me to know about that although both of us know for not long. She asked and talked about her confusion of feelings of liking a guy. She said that the guy she mentioned likes her, because the guy confessed, but she doesn't sure about her feelings towards the guy.

Seriously, I think I was in this dilemma before. The feelings towards S. Well now, I knew that I let go that confusion, the truth, the feelings. I feel peace now. I can understand her dilemma, she even told me that she doesn't want to involve in love. Actually I am also scared about that and no confidence on that. So, I told to myself that, I don't want to involve in relationship matter.

If you ask me whether I have fantasy or imagination on having a relationship, my answer is NO. Seriously I don't ever think about that before. I don't think I will get myself to try that, because the confusion made me so suffering, I don't want to get myself that hurt again...

final semester

Tomorrow will be my first day of my new semester and also my FINAL semester.

Guess what, I didn't complain that my semester break is so damn short (in fact, my semester break is VERY long, used that to do my benchwork of FYP). In fact, I some sorta miss all my friends, but not my classmates (I have no idea why). I feel excited for my final semester, like a small little child waiting forward to back to school. I go to campus almost everyday for my benchwork, however, because of not attending any lecture during that period, feel like miss something. LOL. Ya, I miss schooling, I miss lectures, I miss the lecture notes, the reports, the assignments, etc. (Most of my friends would be saying that I am crazy...LOL)

I feel excited now...Hehehehehehe...Hahahahahaha!!!

I need peace

Well, the anxiety, the irritability, the headache, the seems swollen on the neck, the suspicious condition of gaining weight, the mild insomnia...I couldn't deny the symptoms that I am having for the past few days, I couldn't deny that irritability is keep bugging me. Now, headache (yet, I am still blogging here).

Ok, I know if I am in irritation, I can't do anything well. Then I sat in front of my laptop, yesterday, I prayed and asked Him that, do all these symptoms indicate that the inflammation is coming back? I checked about thyroiditis in detail online again. Ya, all the symptoms fit. I prayed for peace. Then, guess what? I went to tidy up and clear my stuffs such as the "cabinet" that put all the whatever garments, and cleared all the unwanted stuffs, rearranged everything, cleaned the big box that I keep all my document case, all my notes, then ironed all those pants (just washed and dried, left ironing), conclusion is I cleared those things that I very seldom clean it, because they are always clean from outside view. (screw it, what kind of grammar and sentence is this...I felt something wrong to my grammar). After I did all those, irritation can be considered is gone. His work? His solution to relieve my irritability?

I shall be strong. And make sure the whatever precaution should be done. Suspected on gaining weight and the fat accumulation. The so called tummy comes out (for other people, they always jealous that I don't have tummy (Seriously, for me, that is really a tummy, although not big until to be considered as spare tire). I will conquer all these...

Irritation and whatsoever, please GET LOST!!!

runaway? or?

I slept for almost 4 hours for my afternoon nap (it is not called nap anymore...=.=)

At home for the past 4 days, I sleep not so well (or I also have no idea how well I slept, or I didn't sleep much), I felt tired for almost the whole day. Friends who saw me in campus asked the same question and same description on how I looked that time. Fatigue coming back and this symptom gets worsen? A bit too soon to determine this. Maybe I shall rest more, if not, my energy would not recover and is gotta be hard for me to adjust it back after next week as new semester starts soon and is going to be a hectic semester. I have a lot of things to deal with, very challenging ones: time management and planning.

This few days, for the past few days, I knew that I am under tension, from the bad habit. Other than driving, other than watching Japanese animation, listen to songs, I only stay at home. I don't even think of go walking in shopping malls. Slept around 12am and woke up around 8-9am. Quite normal and enough sleep. I don't even think of my lab work. However, after coming back, I know I am avoiding something, I have no idea of what I am avoiding of, until now. Normally when I am avoiding something, sleep a lot is the way, Maybe this time is my health problem...I am just too tired, I guessed. And please, pain, don't come back so soon, as I know that, when inflammation of thyroid glands starts, it will cause pain and all the symptoms will attack in which one of the symptoms is patient tends to sleep a lot and feel very tired for "no reason".

I know I am under great tension, I know life from onwards is going to be very challenging. I won't give up. Ke Jun, wake up!!! Don't runaway and stop avoiding!!!

=.=

All of a sudden, feel very "dulan". This word, I presumed is quite popular in the society, or whatsoever.

In the middle of my afternoon nap, is getting hotter and hotter. Ya, weather is moderately hot today. Got some sorta irritated because of the heat then I decided not to continue my nap.

Grrr!!! Is my language power and expression so hard to be understood? Something that very easy, yet people so hard to understand it, some more misunderstood it. Is a disaster to me when the message of "don't get what you meant, or I misunderstood it, so I didn't do it", or something that people just "purposely" doesn't want to inform early, last minute only inform, causing people in trouble, made me wanna shout at the phone (even though the message came in the form of sms)

Ya, recently, I easily get angry (not because of PMS), MAINLY because things that did not meet my own requirement, or what planned is not going on smoothly because of some people's misunderstanding or slow pace. Ish! Very "dulan"!

Come on, Ke Jun, you need to calm down. Calm down...