pour out

I slept at around 0430 this morning. Yes, 0430, you see the right time, and I woke up around 0930, without the aid of alarm clock.

Why I slept that late...I poured out to a friend, and in a coincidence, I was insomnia that time. I couldn't sleep at all. Some problems bother me for long, and I guess I chose to ignore and avoid rather than facing it. I am sucks in the relationship with parents, we can't communicate well. Due to the quarrels for my health condition, I hid from them and avoid from talking about this issue until now. I need time to sit down and think with peaceful mind. When I talked to H, I don't know why, I feel like I annoyed her so I ended the conversation, I really feel like I annoyed her and bothered her too much on my so called personal problems. Then chatted with another friend, whom I know I can trust to, talked until I cried, but because of just typing it out, I can't release my real feeling. Then with an urge (not from myself, is like SOMEONE urged me), I talked to another friend, who is S that I mentioned in previous posts. I can't recall how long we talked, but I talked until I cried, maybe this is the main urge, cry. I thought that I can handle this alone, I thought that I can avoid this for long even though feel like ignoring that first. The past experience somehow stopped me from step forward to solve the underlying problem.

I cried a lot when poured all out to S. Then we talked a lot too. First time ever cried in front of a friend, normally I cry when I am alone. However, as usual, I avoided the eye-contact, when i poured and cried, my face was facing the door or wall. I knew S understood that. It was a long and deep talk. I appreciated the moment, it made me relieved. And thanks to H for being supportive, even though S said that H won't mind all these. Ya, I think I can agree with S that, if H ever feels annoyed, she won't chat with me for so long. That night, I had a better sleep, a deeper sleep, even though I didn't sleep much. Seriously, I really feel thankful to God and them who be with me at that moment. I felt a sudden relief at that moment.

On the other hand, the dyspnea condition is getting worse. It happened even more often, until I almost call for help to go to the hospital, well, why would I said that I "almost call"? It is like, I feel like I don't trust those doctors or nurses, and I don't feel like cause trouble or burden to the people that care for me a lot. I will feel sorry if I cause them to worry on me. I bear it until very hard. My chest was so tight, dizzy and I hardly breath well. Sometimes, I even get shocked and woke up in a sudden, during afternoon nap. I tried very best to make myself looked alright, and I can guess people will be asking, what for?! Well, those are my reasons: I don't wish to see friends that care of me worry about me, I don't wish to let them see me in such a not fine condition that time. Really hope that this condition won't persist long, seriously, I really scared...