bye year 2008, say hi to year 2009

In this year,
year 2008,
another one more hour,
gonna say bye bye to it,
and say hi to following year
year 2009

In a brand new year.
I want everything of mine is organized
I want me myself can more restrict myself from being so wild
in the sense that I didn't doing the promises to myself
I want to be very serious in what am I going to do later on
I want to be more rational in dealing with my feelings
I want to be concentrate in my studies
I want to be responsible to myself
I want myself to be more self-independent
I want to be smart enough in dealing with troubles and problems
I want to be more tolerate in my temper

I will improve in my studies
I will be more responsible to myself
I will be stronger in facing challenges
There is no problems in the world
There are only challenges for me to overcome
I will be braver


Wish everyone Happy New Year!!!

变质了

在这里
虽然说没多少人知道我的部落
因为我就是那么默默无闻
虽然有人有我的部落网址
但因为自己的不够受欢迎
所以收看率超低
告诉自己
没关系啦

虽然是那么的默默无闻
虽然我说这里是说个人心情，个人意见，个人情绪
但一些话题
我还是不敢把我想写的放上来
虽然我是这么地没人知，
一些话题
我还是过滤了才敢写上来
我还是换个另外的讲述
我引用了第三人称
或我不间接地说出我想说的

怕什么
怕就像其他人好像突然攻击似的
一连串的连珠带炮地杀到我这里来
说我为何写成这个样子
怕他们好像平时一样这样赤裸裸地批评
批评到没余地
虽然说我是用不间接
也许个性的影响
我的有话快讲，有屁快放的直接性格
“出卖”我自己的写作性格
我不会是一个婉转的人

好了
讲完废话
正经的

好端端的一段友谊
维持了六，七年
在第五年
因为一些因素
开始变质了
是
对
是自己的因素
是自己造成的

了解到
覆水难收
了解到
一言既出，驷马难追
当初自己的性格
造成现在的处境

状况在第六年
好转了
但
刺还是存在的
在大家的心中

大家
可以算是敷衍
应酬对方
虽然
错的那一方
极力地补救
似对非对的那一方
似乎忽略了错的一方的极力补救
认为一切是理所当然的

错的那一方
有需要付出这么样的代价吗
似对非对的那一方
需要这么做吗
需要这么敷衍吗
需要这么不理别人的感受吗
需要这么觉得这样是理所当然吗

错的一方
已经受到惩罚了
另外一方想怎样
要绝的
就爽快一点
不要这么婆妈
你们是这样对待朋友的吗
还是你们并不当我是真正的朋友了
把还在极力补救的我给耍了

testing me

就在我把那一切放下的第二天
她传短讯给我
简单的一句“你在做么”
我也觉得很开心

拜托
请大家别想歪
我只是没想到
只认识三天的人会想要传短讯给我
我们连传了几封
虽然她回答的都很短
但至少她不是冷漠的人
只不过相比之下
我比较热情
比较多话讲
这样也好
至少没冷场

在传短讯的动作结束后
顿时
我在想
是上天要考验我吗？
他认为我还没放下？
所以“安排”这场传短讯的幕
还好我还是过关了
我赢了

dangerous and confused

一切
我与她真正眼对眼的时候
那种莫名感觉涌现
我顿时处于
矛盾及苦恼之中

就在那期间
我会常常注意她
她不在我视线中时
我会一直寻找她的踪影
直到我看到她为止
当时我们是参加一个生活营
她是我同组的组员

刚认识她的时候
她常找碴
让我觉得很反感
后来
对她有点改观
就在那时...
“不妙”的情况发生了

她的发型很酷
很多人以为她是男生
拜托
他们瞎了眼
但我一眼看见她
我就知道...

就在她在与我有真正交集时
真正有意见发表时
我的正眼望着她
我却有点心跳的感觉
我多希望我的感觉是错误的

我因为对她有好感
所以我常讲些废笑话惹她
使她笑
她虽然没有像我有绑牙后的整齐牙齿
但她的笑容是多么的灿烂
She really attracts me


在我还没搞清楚我的性趋向之前，我不要再经历这样的矛盾及苦恼，我很努力地想，我知道我不应想太多，问题是我是不是以情人那种喜欢来对待及想关于这件事情，我自己还在摸索。在我还没想太深之前，我还是“悬崖勒马”。

现在，我已放弃继续想。心情是多么自在。想当时，心情糟透了，矛盾及苦恼到极点。



我觉得有点恶，我写不下去了，再加上我已词穷了。

Forever

The wind-like melody that's moving within our hearts
Vibrantly leads us towards the yet-unseen tomorrow
If we create the future with each things we think
Could we grasp the "moment" the miracle smiles upon?

I feel, I need you
...I just miss you in my life
Please don't let go
Ah Let's join hands
Heading towards a sparkling place in the wide-open future

Open up your heart
And turn this pain and sadness into tenderness
Don't get lost along my way
Both at the moment we met and now, you surpassed time
Shine together with me forever...

The pledge that echoes in this dreary night is fleetingly falling apart
My heart beat to the fate of the stars that pass each other
At the meeting place of the broad sky, our pulses raced
What is there behind those tears you held back?

I will never leave you,
I want to promise you
Don't forget
Ah You gave me the courage to move forward
Let's hold on to it and fly

If we were bonded together
Embrace and don't ever lose the strength of
Protecting the people you can't replace
At the moment I learn my weaknesses, I will become stronger again
Yes, forever

I feel, I need you
...I just need you in my life
Please don't let go
Ah Let's join hands
Heading toward a sparkling place in the wide-open future

Open up your heart
If we share the seemingly broken affection
As it keeps overflowing from our hearts, it will be like heaven
At times when we're bewildered, let's keep building our unending dream
Yes, forever...

Open up your heart
And turn this pain and sadness into tenderness
Don't get lost along my way
Both at the moment we met and now, you surpasses time
Shine together with me forever...








Label: lyrics ( English translation )

终于去写了

搁了这么久的日记，
实在非常过意不去，
终于去写了，
终于去面对我须面对的，
当初一些感觉，
写不下手，
但想了想，
还是去写，
一写还写了五面 （ 我的字体大=.= ）
是写了，
但大部分是事情的经过，
及当时的心情，
并没所想象的会把自己的的那份感觉赤裸的暴露出来，
我知道我失败，
我始终写不出，
我在怕什么?
怕有人会偷看?
也许是吧...

这么多天没写，
很多事情发生，
好消息是
大部分是开心的事，
在写的时候，
也会回忆起当天的情景，
有时还会笑，（不要以为我变态，自己一个人笑 ）
但愿能把这些时光留住...

I really miss you

Hey, pal...
I really miss you...

Starting with a day in a rush,
after a tiring day,
have a chance to get myself a break,
listening to songs,
listening to a smooth song,
a song that caught my attention,
I listen to it over and over again,
because...
I know you will like it.

I think of you in the moment,
I really miss you,
I regretted why I acted so strangely that time
when you leave,
I pretended to be strong,
I tried not to cry...

I really miss you...
miss you, pal...
hope to see you soon...

hiding

Haiz...
what am I hiding?
Hiding my true feeling?
Hiding my expression?
Hiding my true words?

Writing in diary,
write my feelings,
express myself,
record everything I feel necessary
write to keep as memory,
not only in brain,
but also in real.

What am I hiding?
what am I hesitating?
why can't I just straight forward,
write it out bravely,
be brave to face my own feelings...

Tell myself,
I can't hide forever,
I need to face it after all...

what's up now?

Many things to write about actually recently, about feelings, whose? My feelings...
However, those, I wish to keep in my diary. That is the most secret thing I have without shown to the public. Only me, me and me. All about my feelings.

Again, talk about feelings, need expression in words. I need that. Told you, my English not so good, so I can't express myself well sometimes in words. No matter what language I have learnt.

Feeling restless,
without direction,
so called direction-less,

Life today starts with a scolding,
looked at the clock,
what's wrong with me?
Such time I woke. ( 15/11 )

How restless am I,
stop it
Stop It
STOP IT!!!

angry?! blaming?!

Feel very sad for your attitude
as we know for so long,
asked you about that,
maybe in the way of expressing,
it hurts or offended you,
maybe in the way of expressing make you feel that
I am not understanding, selfish,
I just feel that you are getting even further...

You explained,
don't know what kind of feeling I had that time,
felt that you are just giving excuses,
very lame excuses,
I was wishing I can accept that,
I understand what you explained,
but I was not satisfied,
a bit angry and at the same time,
sad too...
why you replied this and why I thought like that...

no title

This few days, my body not so feeling well, no mood for doing anything. Luckily, quite fine now.

This few days, although I have something to share with, I am free enough, but just don't know why I can't blog it out. Can't write anything for starting too. I think is because of my English level don't allow me to produce it, if not it will be a terrible piece of blog.

My mind is bothering quite a lot of stuffs recently. Some stuffs because made me sick of waiting, so I throw tantrum at home and just luckily I didn't shout or scold at the person involved.

Damn boring these few days, didn't do anything much, not because I am lazy, is just that my health problem didn't allow me to do so. ( Ke Jun, enough of excuses... )


Today felt a bit suffocated ( because of being in the sulks? can't find a channel to express my depression? or weather factor? )

I am too weak to produce a good piece now. My mind still being distracted. When my mood back to normal, I will write a better piece, can describe more and maybe more lively.

"random" thoughts

Am I still in hesitation?
too much time now,
making me think of,
am I really like...
chemistry or biochemistry?

Because I like chemistry too much?
Or is just I haven't start to love biology yet?
I love chemistry, I admit this.
But shouldn't I put the same interest and effort on biology?

My friend always praised me of my chemistry ( not now ), making me wonder, am I really like chemistry or biochemistry? Have I wasted my talent in chemistry by choosing biochemistry?

Sometimes I hope I can take chemistry and biochemistry at the same time. I hope I still have the time after finish my degree in biochemistry to pursue my dream in chemistry.

回顾

刚才看回以前写的日记 ( 今年的 ),
年头的大部分都是写教学的烦恼,
年中写的是趣事及令人欣慰的感觉,
以及一些与同事们相处的开心气氛.

说真的,
我都从未真正了解开心的感觉,
从我认识同事们开始,
一直到相处的时候,
才开始了解,
与她们( 同事兼朋友 )相处,
我渐渐了解什么叫做开心, 兴奋.
我喜欢与她们在一起.

学生的爱戴及尊敬,
是让我有股苦尽甘来的感觉.
有点想念小朋友们,
想念他们与我的互动.

wondering

有时候觉得，
我是很开心回到我曾任教的学校去看看，
我是很开心能遇见我的同事兼朋友，
但是...

但，
我总觉得好像不是很受欢迎，
有点阻着地球转, 妨碍他们,
在想，
是同事们都很忙?
还是实际上与其他的同事都不熟悉?
所以常去找的都是与自己相处的融洽的同事.
但却很受学生的欢迎.
学生看见我就会向我敬礼,
或来找我说话. ( 最感到欣慰的事 )

上次, 代替我的临教主动来与我说话，
( 我一直都没机会找她说话因为我教的课都是编排在后面的 )
哈哈,
她也一样, 教到一些学生教到要“吐血”了.
那些学生还是这么难搞吗?

Awesome performance

Yesterday ( 26/9 ), again a day with the same routine. ( I am not crapping here ), the thing is gonna to be posted, "listen" to me first.

At night, I called my teacher, my science teacher who taught me in F2 whether free to go for tea. ( She looked like more a friend than a teacher. ) Hehe... She asked me whether wanna watch a concert ( from dvd ). I immediately agreed. Prepare myself to go to her house. ( wait la, about to start it seriously ).

I watched the first piece ( song ), "Voices of Spring", nice ( but not my liking ). By the way, let me introduce the orchestra and the conductor ( or composer too? ) first. The conductor, Andre Rieu, with his orchestra, Strauss orchestra ( if I am not mistaken ). They play mainly the Waltz.

I like the performance. In addition with the sound effect, is just like watching the concert in live. Wow... The players do not being restricted in their clothes, well. overall, there is a common part, they wear gown ( not the same kind, same colour ) which make them looked gorgeous.

The special part about this conductor is he is quite humorous. His concert is not really formal, a bit informal, he arranges some humorous part to make people laugh, gives people a feeling of relaxation, not making the phenomenon so serious until not much smile. He always smile. Forgot to state that, he doesn't hold the baton, instead he plays the violin with his orchestra, and I really impressed with their accuracy in the beats. They do not run off the beat at all. Of course, there is an overall coordination among the conductor and his orchestra. His playing also good. And some of the members of the orchestra can even play more than two instruments. Some additional players like the marching band members, etc, ( which I also don't know what is the name of the instrument played ) also inserted in the encore songs. The players are awesome. Impressed...

What I can say is, different conductors has their own style of conducting their orchestra. We can't say much on their style, We accept and try to enjoy it. Anyway, I like the style. Make people feel relax.

I watched the second time today. Won't be boring for watching so many times.
Sorry here for my lack of nice or better words for description. I wish I can describe better. I also know that picture can bring more words.

Make it fixed

I have two blogs, One at MSN Live Spaces, another one is here. Well, in the beginning, these two blogs serve to publish different kinds of pieces from me. But as time goes, starts to mix up the types of pieces uploaded here. Because? Sometimes, certain piece wanna be uploaded at live spaces, but the service always lag that time. So, avoid of losing the piece ( can't save also that time, because every service is unavailable ), I paste it at blogspot. Totally mess up sometimes.

Well, get it reorganized. Live spaces is for more general idea, general feeling, crapping, nothing to hide, can be published to public, since many contacts there. Can link easily, pieces written cannot be too harsh or else. Need more gentle. Haha...swt. ( Generally )
Blogspot is more for close friends. ( former classmate, and others who I think can read it ) Pieces here are from my own sentimental feeling, opinion ( more crazy mind ), can "shoot" people, without others knowing who I am mentioning about ( haha=.=), etc...things that I don't want so many people know.( more to private but not confidential ). People who is "kaki blog" would have my blogspot address, those are not, won't have, I think.

I like to read other people's blogs too. Can keep myself update how is their life going on there. Sometimes can share some idea or opinion too.

Get it all right

This is the lyrics from the song entitled " Get it all right ". I like the lyrics, don't bother how it comes ( it is from the soundtrack "Initial D", the real meaning of the song of d story ), just understand and inspired by the words.

Get it all right
Don't wonder why
Even though troubles on the way
Get it all right
Don't hide away
Even though troubles on the way

Live for yourself
You can do what you want
Don't give up on your dreams
Better make it start
Open up your eyes
You will find your own way
Don't want you miss the sign
Life is like a trick or treat

Doesn't matter what people may say ( What they say )
No more live in chains
Hold your thoughts and you will be fine

Get it all right, Don't wonder why
Even though troubles on the way
Takes all night, make it all right
So come on now, ( whole ) world is waiting

Get it all right, Don't wonder why
Even though troubles on the way
Now or never, make it better
So come on now, ( whole ) world is waiting

Can't stop things we start
You have got to move on
Don't look back, Don't turn around
Better make it fast
When you lost in the dark
Try to remember when
You have a power to shine
Shining like the clear sky

May be it seems to be doing the same ( All the same )
Things over and over again
Sun comes up over your tears

time to be a bit relax

After studying for a few months, finally holidays comes. Well, 3 months holiday, a long holiday for me. Wondering why such a long holiday. I still don't have idea what to do yet. But part of it will be spending time with friends here. I really miss them. I miss my students. ( why suddenly feel so? )

Wanna spend some time to make self-criticism. What I have been done in these past few months? Have I really work hard and study hard? What attitude should I have for studies next year? Ya...I will take some time to look some science materials. Next year will also "touching" my favorite subject. Will go and tackle the old stuffs first. To refresh. I don't want "history" to be repeated, by my own action. Hope I will have strong determination during this holiday.

Well, of course, go relax, shopping (window-shopping ), blogging ( after been so long didn't update, because don't have such mood and vocabulary plus don't know how to express myself in better words ), read magazines, comics, watch movies, hanging out with my friends. I won't let myself go too far. Won't play and relax too much until "lost myself". Haha...don't get swt by my words.

self-accusation

I never think myself clever,
I work and study very hard,
what...
What I got in the end?

I got self-accusation,
I hate myself,
I hate the bad performance,
I hate my nervousness.
I hate, I hate , I hate it.

What happened to me?
Why I behaved like that?
Why I need to cry to relieve myself and regret what I have been through?
Why I did so?

I wish I could be strong enough to accept what I have done.
Am I being punished for being so rush to study in the last minute now (did I rush for last minute studying?)
Am I being punished for being my own psychological problem?
Am I being punished for having my own confidence in the subject I like and my own way in studying it?

I hate the ending!!!

think about you

Whenever I go there,
walk pass the corner,
I always think about your habit of standing there,
holding the magazines and look through it.

I miss the situation you always console me
whenever I am sad and down,
Miss the situation when you angry
and I let you talk over and over again,
listening to you.

I still remember when you say goodbye to me,
not through calling,
but through sms-ing
I shocked,
I cried when I called you,
but still I was stubborn and said I was fine that time.

My friend,
I miss you so much.
Take care...

don't understand

Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

I know my stress level is increasing, because the pain on my swollen on my neck is giving me warning. I always like that, my swollen on my neck or the whole neck will be very pain until wanna make me cry for the unbearable pain. But when my friend is looked stress, I will try to cheer him/her up, forgetting myself also face the problem, but "busying" cheering people up. After my friend looked cheerful, I would feel that my problem also "dissolved" a bit. ( Although I know is haven solved yet, but at least the feeling in stress level won't make me looked so moody, the face so emotionless. )

Don't know whether I am good in hiding my feeling or I just don't know how to express my words, my stress level getting increasing. I feel so tired.

is just a day

Wow...so long do not update here. I am lacking the kind of materials and inspiration for writing in here.

Today was organic chemistry mid-term test. I was regret for didn't grabbing more time for studying. My mind was flying away most of the time. I also don't know what am I thinking and why am I behaving like that. Anyway, I never give up in trying in chemistry (although I knew my result will not going to be very nice this time)A big sigh for that...sighz...

Just now back from eating somewhere else. Near the place I am staying now, Kepong. My friend following my car. Ok, there was nothing to be elaborated here. So, nothing much to say. What I can only say is we ( my friend who is staying in Kepong and I ) were laughing in the car. Reason? Haha, don't want tell you. After went there, we only found that it was too early for dinner that time. So, we went to my place there, Sri Damansara.

One of my friends that followed us called P looked very stress. Don't know what actually happened to her. It just not like herself today. P always is the most looked cheerful ones. She always laughs and smile. Hahaha, very cute, and because of when she laughs,her face will turn red, we always teased her...The friend who is in my car called C, she mentioned about the condition in P. C said if she were a guy, she will most probably go courting her. Hmm...what can I say? A good idea? A good suggestion? Maybe if I were a guy, I may consider....hahahahahaha... Ok ok, stop laughing...

We stopped at a shop to have a second round eating. Again we talked all those za-ing things and events to make P laughs. Anyway, she did. Make us felt relieved. Although... suddenly feel that don't know wanna say it out or not. But for me, if my friend happy after we were tried to cheer her/him up, I feel happy also.

don't force me

不要逼我
真的不要逼我
真的真的不要逼我
不要再逼我了
我不想说出真相
我不想说我不想说的话

students' results

Before I quit my job as teacher, I had marked almost all the test papers and discussed some of the papers. Overall, their results were quite acceptable. I can see the joyfulness on students' face when they scored higher than before. Me? Of course I will feel the happiness and the satisfaction as a teacher. The science papers that I set harder than the first time's, so no one in my class got 100 marks. When I set the papers, because I was in the condition like being forced as I was busy with choir stuffs and need to set so many papers somemore. Really damn it. So, I told myself, I will set the questions until no one get 100 marks. ( abnormal thoughts ). Lastly my wish was realized. Haha...=_= Anyway, the questions that I set can make students learn. As long as they listen to and understand my teaching, they can do well.

Those students that I expected can do well didn't make me disappointed. The highest achiever in my science subject still maintain her position, with 97 marks as the highest in the class ( Standard 2 ). The students that failed last time pass this time and score higher than I expected. I praised those who improved in my classes. I felt happy when students got improved. Some of the students whom I taught them BM improved. They asked me don't leave and said that I am a very good teacher. I was so warmed that time. Students from that class, I always scold, beat and advice them, in fact I talked and scolded too much than I should, I put my biggest effort on them. I am glad that they appreciated. As teacher I only ask for students' appreciation by achieving good results and try their best in studying and not give up. Some students gave me presents on Teacher's Day, which on the card written "I love you, teacher". What I felt was terribly "cold", I never thought students will wrote this to me.

mental "disturbance"

有点心理不正常
心理不平衡
让我安定下来
恢复正常

Happy Teacher's Day

16/5,Wish all the teachers Happy Teacher's Day and myself too. ( 不要睬我，我快要神经了 )

Today is my last day of teaching. So I leave after celebrating Teacher's Day. A lot of activities were organized. I received a lot of presents? Because I need to leave? Or is just a kind of appreciation for me for teaching them?

Every teacher and staffs receive a cake, just like birthday cake. Quite big, teachers were called to come out to the stage to receive it. On the while of receiving, students were shouting and cheering there. Before this, I told my students that I will leave today...( this must be told because I cannot be so unprofessional and irresponsible by leaving not inform them-ok ok, a bit cold`` ). When my name is called, many students cheered. Wow, I never know that I am so welcomed among those teachers.

My friend fetched me today. Because she was a bit late that time, so I arrived school later than usual, haven't late for the schooling time.

When I went to my seat, WAH, so many presents and cards. Actually what I wanted from them is they are obedient and pay attention in studies, don't always make teachers angry. A teacher got many flowers like after organizing a concert. Anyway, she is good though. After that, activities were going on. On the while of waiting for the programmes, I received many flowers, cards and presents. Before Teacher's Day, I also received some presents-one of them is the most shocked-a carnation. What is meant by that? I never thought I will receive this flower. The student give me the wrong flower? Anyway, the student who is a she quite good and always pay attention in my teaching. Actually I also don't know whether my teaching is good, they can "admire" me like this...( 又冷``` ) And I was asked to write on their autograph book.

Then teachers had "pok luck",many food to eat. I was asked to eat more...(because I can eat a lot), ok la, quite a lot I eat. My classes all packed at behind. Anyway, I just want to distribute back the exam papers, so not much teaching here. I can't teach and explain much because the students came and 轰炸 me like they always do. I can't continue my discussion for the exam papers. Then this last day I let them relaz a bit, not as serious as before. Can chat, play... A student asked me why I do not smile and laugh in teaching before...how am I supposed to answer this? 这个问题没有答案的咯，拜托，不要问这样的问题...

The worst of all, I haven't finish marking all the test papers. You know, I will of course finish all the things before I leave for further studies.

At night, we teachers attended a dinner at Ming Kok Restaurant. Every teacher have a glass of wine. Wow, I drank until my face was red that time. I didn't eat a lot because chat with my new friend. This one nothing to say much...so no need elaborate here.

Thanks for all the colleagues and students who giving me a wonderful Teacher's Day. All the while I as student celebrate Teacher's Day with friends for teachers. Now is students celebrate for me who being as teacher. Will appreciate this feeling.

what a day

30/4, is the "Pesta Muzik" for Seremban 1 area.

Our school was invited to join the event. Our school team was asked to participate the choir competition. A colleague who is don't know anything about singing and music (the teacher before her is in charged in music section in my school) and another teacher also (the same thing-don't know anything) were asked. Afterwards, maybe my "talent" and my "ability" got to know by my colleague and my co-curriculum senior assistant. I was asked to in charge in the school choir team which will facing the competition today.

One thing I ever suprised was my school dare to use a temporary teacher to train their school team and also asked the temporary teacher to bring and represent the team to be the pianist. I am damn tension that time because I realised my own problem-everything will go wrong when I am nervous. I don't want to cause harm to the school team. Anyway, I am forced to overcome it (I need to) because this is the last decision of my senior assistant. Starting the days to train the students in their singing. (Honestly to say that I am not good in singing but only have the knowledge in music). That time I really don't know what exactly can I guide the students. So I change the some knowledge in music into the singing section- pitching, tuning, etc technical problems.

Those days are quite tension and make me angry also. Because the students are quite stubborn and some are arrogant somemore. But at last some who didn't behave well got scolded by me indirectly, don't want to listen to me and ... And now they seems not so arrogant. (this is what I feel)

Today in the competition, while waiting for our turn to perform. We practise for the last time. Well, I didn't scold them anymore (the psychology tactic of facing competition is not scolding students in the last minute avoiding students losing the mood to perform well ) I was very nervous at that moment until my hands shivering. Heart beats very fast. I scared I will ruin their performance just because of my nervous. Anyway, I managed to cool down because I need to behave profesionnally in front of my students. I need to act braver than my students to give them the courage. They performed quite well. My playing was good, didn't have mistake. But I didn't hope much for the victory. Group that I bring went back to school first and my colleague's group left there (because the driver who brought them is not free, so they went back late,stay there longer to wait for the result) After I back to school, I was quite nervous also. I went to my class, I missed 7 classes today. ( I asked my friend to pass my orders to the students, I just went to the class to make sure my students do the right thing) After settled the homework, I waited at my seat.

Lastly, the message came in. We got the THIRD PLACE!!! I was shocked and I jumped for the joyness. Teachers in the staff room looked at me. They congrated me. I never thought this will happened to my team. Anyway, we still did our best.

Thank god we made it!!!

...

I feel helpless now...

HELPLESS

hectic

escape

loser

promises

loser

empty

suffering

speechless

Feelings and experiences

From the day I started to work as a temporary teacher, I got all sort of feelings. Happy, excited, disappointed, angry, mad, impatience, etc.

Happy:
I got to know many new colleagues and be friends. And can mix well with them. But not really with the old staffs. Maybe can chat a little bit but can't communicate very well because there is a barrier between generations.

Excited:
Being greeted as a teacher is a kind of exciting thing. The students greet in a nice manner and is respected by them.

Disappointed:
When what you planned and expected can't be reached in time. When you mark students' test papers.

Angry:
When your instructions and orders are not fulfilled or they just disobey you. Simply want to make you angry.

Mad:
When you meet with students that quite "stupid" and causing trouble only. They just want your attention and pretending they are innocent or stupid and make you explan again and again, gaining full attention from teacher. Some are really stupid. Stupid is not a fault, but they do not pay attention even I really teach them very seriously and patiently. Their attitude really make me lose patience and throw tantrum to the blackboard. They are delaying my teaching process. And another thing is they don't want to use brain when do homework. I can sure they actually understand and know how to do.

Impatience:
Facing the students that actually bullying teacher,really make me lose patience. I can say that I have good patience before this. But maybe not for now. I really tired to face all those annoying "features". Sometimes think of I can leave earlier from there. I am very tired for that.

Kursus Guru Sandaran Tidak Terlatih

今天早上，学校有补课，但不需去教书，而是出席由森州教育局主办，森州华校校长联谊会协办的“全森华校临时教师课程”，地点在芙蓉培华小学。
这课程主要由三位主讲人呈献。第一场的讲座由幽默的林渐溢校长主讲。他所讲的是教室管理。我赏识的是他呈献的方式，幽默，有趣。当然他讲的，我从中获益不少，有一些还必须马上实行。这其实很考验老师的技巧和EQ。我希望在我离开学校之前达到我所设定的目标。其实，要确保教学达到目标，最重要的还是教室管理。如果最基本的教室管理都管不好，别想在教学过程中达到所期望的效果。以目前的情况，我想我必须改善我所使用的教室管理了。
如果学生吵，
老师通常都会说：
不要吵！
不要再吵了！
anjing!
安静！
用藤鞭打桌子，
用藤鞭打黑板，
以自己的声量盖过学生们声音，...

结果...
更吵!!!
因为...内有
学生的吵声，
老师的叫喊声，
藤鞭，桌子和黑板的哭声掺杂在一起...

当然我使用的不完全是这样，但方法也不够好。最近使用的方法于他所说的相似，还真有点效果。哈哈
我对那讲座中最深刻的一句话是老师要使到学生期待老师来上课。我有做到吗？


第二场讲座是讲述教具的应用。我似乎用的好像是chalk and talk. 但也没什么问题呀...只是没我预想中的好效果而已。唉，要精了...制作道具...我想我想到方法了。省时又省精力。

第三场讲座：活泼教学示范. 老师的任务是把呆板的教学“变”成活的教学。这可使老师更加快达到教学的效果。唉，这需要时间。我已感觉时间不够用了...

怀念

今天回到我与你相聚的地方，
坐回我们平时坐的位子，
回想起与你在一起的时刻，
一起吃及畅谈，
在你还未出国之前，

今天与一位朋友去，
也许我与她蛮投契，
我们坐回那个位子，
令我又回想起很多很多，
回忆...

有点把她当成是你的"替身",

在找回那失去的感觉,

但愿我曾说过的一句话，

没伤害到她...

我在找那失去的感觉...

Loser with victory

Contradictory
Face it

Hate
Forget it

Disappointed
Don't be like that

Sad
Come on,cheer up...you are doing good

平常心

平常心
平常心
非常冷静
平静地
接受那残酷的事实

没有哭泣
没有抱在一起哭
没有做消极的事

以前的我不是这样的
没想到这次我会这么冷静
坦然面对一切
以平常心面对一切

the reflection

Is this what I got from my teaching? The upper standard like Standard 4 and 5, don't know what they did in the lower standard. Wasting the exam questions set for them. They don't know how to do and simply do it. So, when I marked the Standard 4 "Penulisan Bahasa Melayu", I can finish it in not than one hour. Because? They don't know how to do, some they tried, but cannot be read at all. Many students' exam papers just get slashed by me and get a big red "0". What I can do...I can just sigh. I forgot how is my feeling when the students' exam papers got slashed by me. Angry? Sad? Disapppointed? I think the feeling of disappointed is stronger.

Is my teaching not good enough? Am I not caring or attentive enough?

Would it be the reflection of how is my teaching? Or my students' bad results is not my fault at all.

What can I say is I am trying my best to help them improve their basic knowledge. However the response was making me greatly disappointed...
What can I do? Sad? Angry?

Tell me!!!

I just hope my teaching method won't be the excuse for other authorities on making trouble. I mean their children get bad results but suing me for my teaching method? I hope I won't meet this kind of trouble.

contradictory? take unnecessary pains? I am wrong?

New challenges come to me everyday
I need to face it wisely
to avoid myself from get into
troubles and pressure


A new challenge comes
trying to challenge
my patience
my ability
my mind power


Used to have very pessimistic thoughts
now
I have to change myself
to face all the unexpected


A new job challenges me a lot
my patience
the way I behave and think
the way I handle things
the ability I adapt myself acting according to circumstances
understand and increase my mutual understanding to children's world
how they behave and think
what make them happy and sad
how can make them realise themselves
how to make them to appreciate their abilities and themselves as well


All the while I insist in thinking that kids
scare of scoldings and punishments
well
some do
some do not at all

From this, I know that I can't think of one side only,
I really need to self-questioning
so that I won't be considered as an inconsiderable teacher by those naive students
Sometimes I do admit that I am inconsiderable,
because I expected students are very "understanding"
understand what teachers want from them
and when they can't reach what I wanted
I will mad on them
Am I asking too much from them?
Always comparing them with the time when I was at this age.
People keep on asking me don't ask for trouble
but I didn't listen

Receiving the consequences now...

so fast?

Yesterday, almost towards the end of the tutor session, my students told me that STPM results gonna come out-end of Feb. I totally shocked. Why so fast in this year...? Haiz...whatever, it will come eventually...no matter early or late. Need to do all the applications to local university or private university.

What I regret is I did not do well in the major examination last year. But the questions also quite "cold" compared to past year questions. I just hope my results won't be so bad.

suffering or enjoying weeks?

2 weeks of teaching, more or less already get used to the environment.
I always wondering that am I use the wrong method to teach the students. For me, I often use the stiff method more than soft method. You know, the children scare of being scold or beaten, so when I scold the whole class loudly they shut up immediately and punish them standing. Some classes really really gone too far. They like to talk nonsense and make noise.

My throat hurt and my health is affected since I use the wrong method to shout n scold them. I should be use the method of breathing at pubic region instead I used the lungs' "energy". excessive energy is used and this affect my health. Asthma seems comes back. I feel very short of breath sometimes. But I bear it, maybe this make me looked tired, some collegues asked me. I just say I have nothing. This bring to bad mood, my students that really need to get scolds get scolded by me badly. If my condition is better, I can scold harder.

I hope the asthma won't get worse...

Apart from that, some students are improving. I am happy for that. It is a success though for a teacher. I will do it better.

...

去他的！

看

有时从镜子看到自己，穿着平时打死我都不穿的服装，看起来还蛮“成熟”的。也不曾看见自己穿的这么上眼。（不是自恋,ok?)
因为平时我对自己的身材没信心，虽然很多人说我很瘦，但我本人却不这么觉得。（是不是因为当局者迷，旁观者清？不过这句谚语好像用错了）
要我马上换形象是很难的啦。真的有点难...

最终

对你，我始终都没说出那番我想了很久的话。因为我在想，你也许会因我所说的伤心，伤心我为何会这么想。在我决定了不说的那一刻，我在想我做得对吗？变得我似乎有点过意不去及一直在发呆。唉...我想我把我的感觉写在日记里会更好。说了的话，我想后果不堪设想。所以还是不说的好。

我把以前的一些信及日记给撕得烂烂的，丢了，还嫌不够撕。感觉好像把以前不好地回忆给抛了，顿觉轻松。

Don't look back

A brand new year is just started,
we must face our life ,
we should look forward,
don't look backward.

Things that have happened
just let it go
you can't find it back
a history just let it be history,
you can't change it,
why not just face your life with all your courage?

Yesterday won't come back,
we should fill our life in a meaningful manner,
don't let your life left your regrets.

Happy New Year 2008

Wish all my friends Happy New Year!
May all your dreams come true.
May you all have a nice, wonderful day.
Good luck in everything!