self-accusation

I never think myself clever,
I work and study very hard,
what...
What I got in the end?

I got self-accusation,
I hate myself,
I hate the bad performance,
I hate my nervousness.
I hate, I hate , I hate it.

What happened to me?
Why I behaved like that?
Why I need to cry to relieve myself and regret what I have been through?
Why I did so?

I wish I could be strong enough to accept what I have done.
Am I being punished for being so rush to study in the last minute now (did I rush for last minute studying?)
Am I being punished for being my own psychological problem?
Am I being punished for having my own confidence in the subject I like and my own way in studying it?

I hate the ending!!!