just a little bit unhappy

Things that will make me mad the most is quarreling with parents. Every time when start quarreling, will end with unhappily, in the sense of everyone won't give up scolding or prove themselves right (true fact for most of the quarrel, indeed) No one is that stupid that would give up, including me.

In one day, quarreled 2 times. First with dad, another one with mum. Both quarrels happened in less than 10 hours. Both talking the same thing, and I damn hate the way they talk. *Speechless*. Then the next quarrel, the same thing, happened again, I fought back. Don't every time talk to me in that kind of tone. Then after a half day, for a certain reason, one of my parents need to call me, the tone changed drastically. Conversation ended well.

In the pain, still need to raise the voice to argue, and in a good sense that, I can put off my irritation, of course telling them why I will behave so. In terms of mental status, at least I put off my irritation, In terms of physically, I may suffer a greater degree of pain, because of "shouting" a lot to the handset during quarreling...*Speechless again*.

irritation

Damn! Please, please help me get through it. I don't want to be in irritated condition. It might bring certain form of consequences if I am irritated. I might hurt people or myself.

Ok, irritation level is increasing. That's why I prefer to be alone and not to mix with other people in talking or having meal. Or before this, I may ask my friend to join, so that I can express myself, but then, I prefer to be alone.

Is grateful that people don't know that I am in pain and am bearing pain, however, irritation is quite obvious if someone really annoyed me. I just wish the irritation also don't show up so often. I really mean it, ok...I am not joking. If I am in irritation, I know I just can't do anything well, ended up screw up things...that's bad, right? (讲废话)

Come on, irritation, decrease your level, can? I am trying my best, so please, cooperate with me, ok?! I just don't want to spoil my day with irritation that might persist for whole day.

clash? crash? crush?

Ok, my mood for these few days, almost like the one sounded in title.

Seriously, I don't really enjoyed much for this CNY celebration. Well, and certainly not because of the duration of the holiday, not because of the weather, not really because I am over 20 years old now...whatever... All because of the pain that was started last Saturday. Ended on Wednesday. The thing is, I can feel that the pain haven't fully subsided yet, therefore, inflammation haven't really subsided yet. So how now? Ya, wait until it is getting worse. (And which means next time I would need steroid to make the inflammation subside? Oh, seems to be that way...)

About seeing a doctor, seems like the frequency of the recurrence of the inflammation caused me not to drag this matter anymore.

Ok, drag? Or no drag? My friend is offering herself to accompany me to see the doctor. That time, I was seriously no idea on why I said so...I said that I don't want to be alone to visit to the doctor anymore...(but every time I hid from my friends about this). And now, if anything is getting worse, I think I shall go alone, ya, to avoid my friend from worrying about me. Ish, I feel like drag until I completed my final semester. Can I? Can...can...can??? Am I able to bear that? Of course I need to know what is happening on me. I know the stress level is getting high, what I can do is just try not to be so stress. I suffer not much negative effects in terms of negative emotional changes, thank Him for that. The pain, I may looked ok, however, how far I can bear for it? I knew that the pain has somehow caused my face to be very "cool", my friends "teased" that my face expression is making people scared of me. As people always said, tolerance and patience has its limit. Well, I guess I have to find another way to drain off the effects that brought up by the increased stress level.

In a "conclusion", this CNY ain't bring much joy to me......WHATEVER!

Uninstall

Today, I posted a new "status" on Status Updates segment. Then not long after that, my friend, who actually we got back our friendship just few days ago, asked me about that; seriously, I was so surprised that time. She asked why was I so angry, as "sounded" on my status. I replied by saying that I am actually not angry, but just feel great disappointed.

Disappointed on?! I feel disappointed because I can't hold the friendship with you, I am not good enough to bear with you, to bear with your faithless personality, if I didn't get this term wrong, I am not good enough to be sincere to you long enough while I am actually getting hurt from how you treat me. I had told myself, IGNORE you. Ya, ignoring you. Ya, I won't get myself to care about you anymore. I will let go, but I won't forget how you treat me. From how you treat me, I am so understand this saying: 不是别人不在乎你，是你把对方看得太重. I am care of my friends, so I am "regret" for 把你看得太重? Ya, maybe. However, I know that I have done my responsibility as a friend. Many people knew that I was hurt as a result from what you have done. Well, there is another explanation that I can tell them, mentioned above.

(Seems like run off from title) Ya, for those bad memories from last year, wish I can uninstall them. I posted a post on Facebook, saying that: Uninstall. Then my friend replied that: ya, is the time for new "system". Lolz, yup, is time for new system, new life and better memories, make those bad memories as lesson.

In the progress of uninstalling. Wishing myself luck.

Since I uninstalled the feelings towards S from my mind, I felt in peace now. I won't want myself to deal with those matters again, NOT ever again...

random

Just now, chatted with a friend, who is a senior studying Master of Science.

She suddenly asked me a lot of things and some sort of expressing herself? Ya...I am grateful and appreciate her trust on me to know about that although both of us know for not long. She asked and talked about her confusion of feelings of liking a guy. She said that the guy she mentioned likes her, because the guy confessed, but she doesn't sure about her feelings towards the guy.

Seriously, I think I was in this dilemma before. The feelings towards S. Well now, I knew that I let go that confusion, the truth, the feelings. I feel peace now. I can understand her dilemma, she even told me that she doesn't want to involve in love. Actually I am also scared about that and no confidence on that. So, I told to myself that, I don't want to involve in relationship matter.

If you ask me whether I have fantasy or imagination on having a relationship, my answer is NO. Seriously I don't ever think about that before. I don't think I will get myself to try that, because the confusion made me so suffering, I don't want to get myself that hurt again...

final semester

Tomorrow will be my first day of my new semester and also my FINAL semester.

Guess what, I didn't complain that my semester break is so damn short (in fact, my semester break is VERY long, used that to do my benchwork of FYP). In fact, I some sorta miss all my friends, but not my classmates (I have no idea why). I feel excited for my final semester, like a small little child waiting forward to back to school. I go to campus almost everyday for my benchwork, however, because of not attending any lecture during that period, feel like miss something. LOL. Ya, I miss schooling, I miss lectures, I miss the lecture notes, the reports, the assignments, etc. (Most of my friends would be saying that I am crazy...LOL)

I feel excited now...Hehehehehehe...Hahahahahaha!!!

I need peace

Well, the anxiety, the irritability, the headache, the seems swollen on the neck, the suspicious condition of gaining weight, the mild insomnia...I couldn't deny the symptoms that I am having for the past few days, I couldn't deny that irritability is keep bugging me. Now, headache (yet, I am still blogging here).

Ok, I know if I am in irritation, I can't do anything well. Then I sat in front of my laptop, yesterday, I prayed and asked Him that, do all these symptoms indicate that the inflammation is coming back? I checked about thyroiditis in detail online again. Ya, all the symptoms fit. I prayed for peace. Then, guess what? I went to tidy up and clear my stuffs such as the "cabinet" that put all the whatever garments, and cleared all the unwanted stuffs, rearranged everything, cleaned the big box that I keep all my document case, all my notes, then ironed all those pants (just washed and dried, left ironing), conclusion is I cleared those things that I very seldom clean it, because they are always clean from outside view. (screw it, what kind of grammar and sentence is this...I felt something wrong to my grammar). After I did all those, irritation can be considered is gone. His work? His solution to relieve my irritability?

I shall be strong. And make sure the whatever precaution should be done. Suspected on gaining weight and the fat accumulation. The so called tummy comes out (for other people, they always jealous that I don't have tummy (Seriously, for me, that is really a tummy, although not big until to be considered as spare tire). I will conquer all these...

Irritation and whatsoever, please GET LOST!!!