random

我在你心目中，有过地位吗? 你说啊...

我是那么地重视你，以你为中心，处处为你着想，怕你受伤，你有珍惜吗? 我的心是很痛，当我知道你其实当着不一回事，不以为意. 努力忍着不流泪，不伤心，努力试着不在意你所作的，甚至觉得我是一厢情愿. 其实我想要的不是这样，我只是想你知道我是喜欢你的，想要引你注意...当你就这么敷衍我时，我的心犹如刀割，你了解那种痛吗?
很努力地尝试不想你，可是却非常想见到你. 这就是矛盾. 对你说，你可以对我说你的烦恼，也许那个人对你来说比较重要，或许我根本什么都不是，你只是把我当作生活中可以利用的人. 我有时候是真的有点妒忌那个人.

本人看剧场看得有点过分，或者太闲没事做，这故事如有雷同，纯属巧合.

the purpose

There are some people asked me about the reason of having that AMOUNT of blogs. So this is the reason: MSN spaces (spaces.live) is kinda publicize, many people can just step in to read. However, blogspot, you can't search without knowing the name of the blog unless I tell the people who is interested to. What I meant here is, is not easy to track a person's blog unless you know the person.

Blogs in spaces.live has migrated to wordpress.com because of certain reasons. There, because of the publicity, I normally won't put post my feelings and those silly or whatsoever thoughts there or anything I said that might hurt a person's feeling. The last reason is because normally I won't lost my temper (is childish anyway), or voice out my thoughts or my unsatisfactory out to the people I am angry to or whatever. I just bear with it. I don't know why I behaved so. I know I need to voice out if I have been unsatisfied to someone in a polite way. Too bad is I am a person who is kinda straightforward in a certain way. The worst thing in socializing is dealing with person that you don't like to and yet you need to control your mind for not lost control. I do know that in certain times I need to be indirect and euphemistic and I know when I shall do so... Normally what I do is ignore...and if I can't bear with that, I just throw out what I felt in blog, that's it. I am smart enough to use initials to represent the characters involved and readers could have understand what I have written, I presumed. Is this kinda silent way of releasing anger?!

In spaces.live, which is now wordpress.com, I usually make my report there, any happy things, things that are happened in an unusual way and so happened that everytime when I wrote there, it will like a flow chart and some sorta annual report...== I have such feeling, I might cause my readers bored. Ah, whatever...

Blog is meant for self-entertainment, no need to care how people think, and somehow, I have that amount of blogs... I do sort out the genre of the posts...

it's over for this

Ok, wanna announce and confess something here. I have PUT DOWN and LET IT GO!!! I have let go the feeling of dependence towards S. Is kinda relief, you know? When I realized I was some sorta depend spiritually on S, where S doesn't know that, until now I presume S doesn't know that. Again, is just a small glimpse (ok, this is quite a direct translation of 一线之差) from the feeling which I scared the most. I scared to put in feelings to people, the feeling mentioned here is like in terms of towards any gender. You get what I meant? That kind of like. That kind of feeling is the one I scared the most...I scared I misunderstand, I scared I will disappointed, I scared I will get hurt. and the most important, I am not interested, I maybe have that kind of feeling (I said MAYBE) but I am not interested in dealing with relationship. (In the end, I don't think you all understand what I am talking here, I think is kinda ironic...and contradictory...><) I won't want any feeling anymore until the end of my studies for Degree. Maybe I am pathetic...(==''') until I put in feelings to people that appeared to be my savior that time? Or I am a person who is 多情? (==''')

In dealing with this unsure feeling, I have been escaping and avoiding, however the more I was trying to escape, I have been even suffering and at last, after talked to someone who I think I can trust, I tried my best to face S. And yet, I still remember that I put my effort and my thinking into my stuffs, I made myself occupied enough to not to think too much. And somehow, I made it! The feeling is just faded...ya, is just faded, without I even realized.

Sometimes I have been thinking that, am I kinda person who is simple thinking or complicated? What I meant is, am I looked unpredictable?


So, I don't know whether there will be more "interesting" stories to tell...just check it out... This blog is meant for sentimental stuffs which means there will be other stuffs regarding feelings or thoughts that I won't put in very public place.

random...

I think this is the first time I studied until my tears gonna roll out. Before this, ya, I did studied until I feel like wanna cry, is I FEEL LIKE WANNA CRY, but end up I bear with it. Now? I really study until cry...what's wrong?! I thought I am relax enough because my plans are going on as what I expected. I actually realized that myself really very stress although I did according what I planned because I am holding my fist until pain...==||| Realized that I have my own weakness which is low memorizing power. I am trying my best to fight to resolve it to immerse into my notes... Ok, I promise myself, if I can't bear with the tears, I just hide myself to my blanket, I need to calm myself down, no point sitting there facing my notes and cry. Change place to cry maybe will let me think clearer and calm down faster. Maybe is a kind of avoiding, running away from problems, but I think this is the best method that I know...

Some of the time, when I was studying, I am actually realized that I sighed a lot. Well, is when I was studying during the teaching week. Is nice that I found some bookmarks (I am kinda frustrated, so I clear part of my table), saw one bookmark written there 叹气是最浪费时间的事. Ya, right. I SHALL NOT sigh too much. Sometimes need to sigh too (here metaphorically said that my lung capacity is not strong enough-->indeed-->I am not talking craps).

Well, I am glad that I can actually focus more. Feel peace...^^

peace and pain

Well, this title sounds contradictory. Lets see what am I going to talk.

Peace...it is because I know I done something right, that something made me feel that I won't be regret for ending it. I felt everything seems so quiet and no struggle in my heart, no more any struggle for whether trying to mend, or leave it or end it. In certain circumstances that MAYBE C's act is "needed", however, is NOT among us as all the while being C's friends. Is just hurting.
Another peace, is that I have not really think about S. All this while, since I said I want to let it be, at the same time, I was trying everything that I like to replace that kind of dependence feeling. Now, the feeling is almost gone, because I think I won't be depend on others anymore in terms of my emptiness of soul. So, if ask me whether am I willing to let it go? My answer will be, I am willing to do so. I don't want "anything" happen because I am trying to indulge and unrestrained. (Haha, I am just joking for the indulge and unrestrained, I will only do this when I am under great stress, but at the same time I am denying about the shooting up of stress level) Yes, I don't want any changes in the dependence feeling, because this kind of feeling is just a slight difference, in chinese sayings we called it as 一线之差...

Pain, ya, is the on and off health condition. Ya, I know it shouldn't be that pain and or it shouldn't be pain anymore? I am, all the while struggle with it, bearing the pain, but it just a little unbearable sometimes until I am kinda frustrated (when the pain is some sorta coming back, not that serious compared to the time when it was undiagnosed). This happened for some time, my friends always told me that if I am in pain or any feeling unwell, must tell them. Ok, I hide it from everyone. I mean, how am I going to start this kind of topic with my friends that always concern about me? Just start it by saying: I am in pain? Oh, come on, to meet people with this pain condition (I think my face will be quite "cool" and a little pale) also I am not wishing to, how am I going to tell them such issue? I can't even help myself when I am in pain. If I tell others, I might just cause people in trouble by make them worry about me. So, I better keep to myself. So pain, please DON'T persist. If You are trying to test my patience or giving me this kind of challenge, well, I am willing to receive this challenge. So, if You are giving me this challenge, so just consider that I am some sorta complaining a little here...Don't worry, I will fight to resolve the challenge!

mess

I have been write and erase what I have written, write and erase, again and again...Just because I have no idea on how to start to write this post.

Now, I think I am in a mess. With the reason that I also don't know (or I just don't want to admit, but it just happened to be, it is telling me that: is time to release yourself, for whatever it is? No more suppressing my own feeling?), I feel like crying.

Lets analyze: 1. Pressure from studies? (who doesn't have?!); this sounds not really the reason...or maybe yes, because I think I feel the pressure, or I already immunized or numb to the pressure? 2. The on and off health condition after undergoing the treatment. 3. The so called fading feeling that I always say to myself? Well, of course, is fading or not, only I know it very well. Seriously, I really don't want to admit anything here...just, I scared...ok, temporarily just forget about this issue, like what I am doing now.

Ok, just a little mood swing, I think...I hope is just mood swing...

whatever

我的华语，曾经还算是顶呱呱的；自从用英文来写部落格之后，我很少用华语来表达自己了，变得好像钝了，词穷了...遗憾...

最近的我
好像把自己弄得很可悲似的
或许我真的很可悲

明明就是不妥
明明我是该给该有的反应
我就是什么都没做
少了那个所谓该有的反应
气氛就是这么怪

看不到，数不清的惆怅
心情有点忧郁得好像有点一发不可收拾
不能继续这样了
不管怎样
要抹掉不愉快的过去


惨，怎么我觉得我写的，连我自己都觉得很差劲? 唉，算了，我想，暂时，我想表达的，就是这有点破破碎碎的心情...