脆弱的时候

Seriously, since last week, everything is not going right, especially my health condition. I hope is not my 心理作用. Then I was thinking, those conditions I faced are affecting and causing consequences to me, is it still considered 心理作用?

I know I shall be STRONG. But also the time my soul becomes weak. I realized that I am even more rely on someone. And yet the person doesn't know my conditions. Well, I know there will be some doubts from the readers on the reason I do so. The someone is the one I was mentioning in the previous posts. I don't want to tell S is because I don't want to increase my reliability to S, especially now my soul is weak. Instead, I wish to be stronger than before, I wish to be independent in facing myself. I NEED to do it!!!

When I am alone, I am more keen to wanna cry. I feel easier to have tears, but of course haven't cry out. I isolate myself even often to avoid chaos and to avoid causing trouble to anyone. If I am with other people, I will just bear my conditions (if I am under the attack of the conditions). Am I considered stupid or stubborn?

Now, I tend to sleep more, to grab more time to sleep and rest while I still have the time, while I am still not fully occupied yet with stuffs. The worst thing is that the studies is affected by the health condition. I can't fully concentrate or sometimes cannot concentrate at all.

I really hope miracles somehow happens...

my biggest weakness

After get into university or I shall say all this while, I only realized my biggest weakness is dumb in dealing with feelings thingy, or relationship thingy. That's why I hate to be in relationship or has any weird feeling towards anybody, no matter is guy or girl. Then slowly, it transformed and made me not interested to be in relationship.

Twice in almost one and a half year. Dealing with those unsure feelings is making me insecure and making me in dilemma. I felt helpless when deal with those problems. I can only choose to talk to my good friend, and one or two who is I trust more in my study life. Thanks to them who help me by listening to me. Of course, those are only opinions, I need to solve on my own. Is all about my determination to get rid of them again.



Thought that I am independent enough, thought that my soul is strong enough, I thought I can depend on my own all the time. Recently, I don't know what's wrong with me, I felt like just rely on someone, I felt like crying as much as I can (oh gosh, I feel like crying now...T.T) Wanna just stay in my room, wanna just be alone, wanna to be just be quiet in my room, to think, to hug on my own, don't want to do anything; just to be ALONE and ON MY OWN. Facing my own body condition, my feelings, my emotionally disturbance, suddenly I feel helpless. Suddenly I become a coward, I am not as strong and brave-hearted to face those things like previously. Hope this is just a stage in short time, hope I can recover from that. Feeling helpless and in dilemma for so long time is so not like me, because of this, I was getting frustrated, irritated and mood swing (of course by other reasons too). Trying to be as normal in front of my friends. I am desperate sometimes, I want to cry but bearing all the time, even I am alone.

I feel like crying now...T.T

neverending arises

As I said in the semester break, I felt spiritual emptiness. And I said I can meet S again in my new semester. During the last 3 days of semester break, maybe I was enjoying for the trip in Penang, so I didn't feel that strong feeling of spiritual emptiness towards S. However, on Sunday, which is the end of my trip, got some sort of weird feeling arises. Before that, I actually thought that I lost that kind of dependence as I didn't feel like missing S.

These few days, met quite often with S. The feeling was arising again...I hate this feeling very much. Not to say purposely go and meet S (I am trying not to meet S without purpose), is actually bumped into it (with certain reason and purpose related), at least I need to make sure myself remain normal (for not to have spiritual dependence too much towards S) and rational for now.

Seriously, I still not sure that whether that feeling still present or not. I don't really dare to think and figure about it.

I had mood swing, impatience, great frustration yesterday. Then I wrote on the Facebook. I was actually touched when S concerned about that. (Craps, I must get rid of feel such feelings and write all those things on Facebook...maybe would make some people worry about me, sorry...I was trying to find a way to express my feelings that time, who knows I cause people worry about me). I don't know whether my condition improved or not, although S accompanied me to chat. Thanks to S for bearing my frustrated look (trying my best not to vent out that time), and not ignoring me, and willingly to help to relieve my frustration and bad mood although I didn't ask to.

Oh craps, am I in some kind of trouble now?!

random

The tears,
the pressure,
the life that seems directionless,
the stressful life,
the body that is corrupting,
the feelings that have already numb,
senseless,
clueless at sometimes,
I need a break...

mistake

Sometimes, when you get used to something, you just can't escape easily from it, and you may find that it is complicated, in terms of how you will deal with the problem, your feeling getting deeper when you already get used to that particular feeling and dependence. The problem actually is still there, it does not worsen, the thing is you lost control on yourself on how to deal with it.

Called S. These few days felt like got something not right. But sure has something gone wrong...(废话). Ok, I know I miss S, I just don't want to miss S so much. After called S, heard S's laugh, then I was feeling like I fixed that something back. I actually feel happy after chatted with S.

Crap! Great! Now, I hate myself for failed to depend on my own. Why must I spiritual dependent on S, some more S doesn't know that? (Well, S doesn't need to know this.) Come on, I think I need time. Just less than 2 weeks, I can meet S again. (Someone please give me a punch so that I can awake?)

I need time...I need to get rid of that.

the don'ts

Well, talked about the dependence of feeling towards somebody. I watched something from a drama series, I got to understand something. (Or should I say, there is something that I shouldn't do?)

"Everybody is lying, everybody will lie, should not trust anyone too much". Don't give out too much towards somebody, otherwise you may lost something. Ok, here is a question: since when I became weak until I need spiritual dependence, can't just I depend on my own and console myself? At least I don't need to feel spiritual emptiness. By the way, is anybody can define spiritual emptiness in better words?

I can just always pretend I am strong, tough, rock-hearted, but at the same time, I also wish I am weak too, I wish I can cry when I want to cry. When I want to cry, the Jekyll side of me told me that is stupid and useless to cry. Then always I am being defeated by the Jekyll's side of me, I bear the tears and carry on my stuffs, almost self-mutilate if I intend to cry. (Am I crazy for restrict myself to cry?! Or the part I said I almost self-mutilate?) So, when I restricted myself to cry, not long later i start to become frustrated and would lose temper in anytime. This kind of moment, music plays the role in comforting my soul and to search for peace by listening to songs I like (no matter how noisy is the song as felt by others). Oh, I think I need to find my real soul back. Why use the "real" word? Hmm, well, maybe the soul is there, but I can't feel it, so I need to find and feel it as it is there. Maybe because the "real" soul is "not with" me, so I feel spiritual emptiness now, which is very odd. Am I "psycho"? People always say that I am a weird person, even my parents said so too...

So what now... I shall not be weak, shall not over spiritual dependent to someone, especially to S (although S doesn't know this). The consequences is I will serious spiritual emptiness if the person is not with me now. Oh crap! Am I missing S now? I think I shall find books as my companion of spiritual dependence...

just feelings

Oh no, last blog was on February, I have abandoned it for long...>.< I seriously have no time to update my feelings and emotional status although I have a lot to express. I just expressed to my friends or just swallowed them on my own (mostly). No point adding people's worry towards me or expose my weakness to other people else. This is how I think. Well, for the past 2-3 weeks, is all about study, study and still study.

What I want to say here is about my feelings and my dependence towards someone. My friends always said I looked independent and strong; seriously, I very seldom cry, because cry makes people feels tired and crying still can't solve the problem after all. However, most of the times, I choose to not to cry, I use another way to express myself. Don't know in which day or which moment, suddenly I found that I actually spiritually dependent on someone, until I nearly misunderstood my own feeling and caused myself problem and be in dilemma. Had a conversation with another friend that is more familiar with relationship problems or maybe I shall say: I talked to another friend who is more experienced, and frankly to say that I am very dull and inflexible in dealing with this kind of problem. Is normal that someone is spiritually dependent on somebody else, you will feel like talking to the particular person about your feelings, wish the person to be beside you to lend you the shoulder, wish the person can just accompany you when you are crying or just need somebody to just sit beside you so that you would like feel safer. Well, I do meet a friend like that, let the person be S. However, I don't think S don't know that I actually spiritually dependent on S. I would feel like telling my feelings, can express the feelings to S while usually that I usually swallowed it. Just don't know why, I feel like I can talk to S without 顾忌, feel like always miss S, meet S, just meet S may make me feel relieved and not so stress and tensed up. Don't know why, S can somehow give this feeling to me. One day, when I was studying, until I felt very sleepy then almost fall asleep (face too long on notes, eyes and brain felt @@), then suddenly S's sms was arrived my hp, at first, I was like cursing who is the devil disrupted my falling asleep mode, but when I saw S's name appeared on the screen on my hp, suddenly I felt energetic and felt not sleepy anymore. When I knew that I can meet S quite soon, I found that actually I was waiting forward to it. (Felt so long time didn't meet S, felt like a bit 空虚, I have no place to express myself as I choose to believe S more than others here, no way for me other than just meet S can shift away my stress.)

When S felt sad, I felt sad for S too; when S happy, I felt happy too. Heard a lot of rumors about S, however, I know that this kind of thing-trustworthy need time to prove it. I do really hope I am not wrong, I do hope that I didn't believe in wrong people again. But what I can say is, if I am wrong in this, I think I would be very sad... sure I will cry over it. My old friends are not with me here, and phone calls can't settle everything, so in unconsciously, I spiritually dependent on S. A lot of people said that I am cool, I do have weak sides, and I cry too...just that I don't allow myself to be too emotional most of the time.

I do admit that I can't express myself well, unless the person get used to my style and knows what happened. S knows as I told before, S understands and chooses not to angry at me, I really appreciate it...appreciate S's tolerance towards me.

And what...? I actually likes S's smile. I admit that I don't know how to smile nicely or I hardly smile. S's smile gives me sense of safe and anti-depressant effect, so whenever S smiles, I will feel nice and less stress. So to show my appreciation, I always help S whenever I can, no matter big or small matter, because in terms of physically and daily life problems, I can face it, but emotionally and mentally, I hardly settle them well, sometimes I would think that how useless am I...

Thanks to S.