the danger

Seems that my friend and me quarreled again, on, same issue again, my health condition, because am being considered as dragging my own condition. 

Well, am being criticized, for not telling her the result of scanning where she claimed that I would tell her the result. I totally forgotten about that. You are a busy person, if I sms or messaged you on FB, you just glanced on it, where maybe I need the attention, but you can't respond at all. At least if you are asking me, I know you are ready to know about it. Maybe I am an attention seeker, maybe I am, what's wrong with that, to the friend you care? Oh ya, maybe I am not independent enough, not able to face all the problems on my own. I may have lied about my conditions. But what being criticized is not right, for being the same attitude, "same pattern" when facing the situation. 

I have to tell you that, apparently I have changed, in facing my own situation, the unpredictable circumstances. Ya, I knew I have become more emotional in handling things, I need to work out on this, by NOT showing any emotions at all by controlling myself my mental power. Telling myself to be calm for any circumstances. 

人，总是要成长的，变得成熟，难道过了这么久，还是这么一成不变? 那我未免太不争气了吧. 

你说不要有所谓的小动作去引别人注意，我知道我没有，那你不要怪我什么都不说，如果你当我是你的朋友，当你应该知道的事，你却最后一个知道，你说我应该要自立的，不要有小动作. 那我谁都不说. 唉，这些都是气话. 

I said sorry that, because I felt that we quarreled. You said sorry because you misunderstood my message, my statuses on social network, you said that you thought you understand me, my pattern. But sorry to say that, apparently I have changed. Maybe I have not changed very much, at least I don't release my temper on anybody. I just consider myself having my own time to accept the fact then at the same time think of the solution to solve it. 

Somehow, I think if we have not said the word "sorry", who knows, of our attitude, we might just ruin our friendship, one being care, one being hot-tempered but caring with different way. 

站起来

很低靡的，
打不起精神，
最近睡多了，
可是却是反效果。

静静坐下来，
仔细想一想，
其实，
自己的意识，
在逃避，
不对，不是这么说
意识在面对，
还是意识在逃避。

意识的两极，
它们在吵架，
吵主人意识到方向，
在吵是哪一极弄得主人低靡，
主人最后决定站起来，
主人知道意识在逃避，
一直被弱的一面占据着思想，
弄得主人一直想往睡梦中藏，
主人觉得在梦中会使自己不太辛苦，
比较不残酷。

主人站了起来，
不要被不肯定的事，
不要被困扰着...

退缩

今天收到的消息，虽然我不是很确定，可是在这件事我搞错的八仙率很低。知道自己表现有点幼稚了，可是还是情不自禁地发起脾气，发自己的脾气。把被单多次，狠狠地抛向墙壁，当然咯，这又不会伤害到别人，总比我突然发神经在面子书上乱骂一场来的好，发泄了一轮，好不痛快。

我的预测没错，可是还是要需要专人来分析我的情况。

现在回想起自己当时的表现，有点幼稚，可是当时却无法向任何人倾诉，只有自己生自己的气。自己伤心，担心，总比让别人担心自己好。我现在没事了，在这件事上，自己的意志力还蛮重要的，别人真的帮不上什么忙。

I really don't feel like talking face-to-face, recently. Partly because I can't hear myself clearly too. 

Review for half of 2013

Well, my friend just reminded me, I have a blog, and I knew I have abandoned it for some time, and I shall update it since I am kinda bored. 

Alright, status right now? 
Physically : heavier, darker, thinner (I hope so), fitter, looked healthier...
Emotionally : become more complicated (you would never know, but I still know myself), stronger in terms of mental power. Someone told me, actually I have a strong mental power, which I never realize it. 

Speaking about mental power, there is a story behind this, and I would say, someone actually triggered my inner thoughts where I think I have very seldom speak it out, as I have no right channel. Sorry to say, many of my friends know I am a non-believer, even though they think I am one, because I attended churches, but I was still struggling, till the year of 2011. i denied the existence of the so called creator, because I don't feel it, and in fact, I don't see proof that IT exists. Very funny to admit that, well, not to say I believe, I was TRYING to believe that the creator is exist, and I tried what my believer friends did, until the year I mentioned, I realized it is JUST a placebo effect, and my mind told me that, it is JUST a calming effect, it DOESN'T SOLVE any problem, from that moment onwards, even though I treasure the friendship, but I just don't believe in the theory of creator anymore. I believe you have to DEAL with that problem, in order to SOLVE it, THINK, using our marvelous brain, for the solutions, not asking for guidance from something or someone that DON'T even exist. Well, I am not seeking agreement, it just appeared that my former secondary school science teacher agreed with me, and supported me for thinking this way. I guess my teacher has her own dramatic past that changed her mind too. (Oh by the way, even though the teacher's age, qualified to be my mum we talk like we are friends.) Facing pain where I have mentioned quite some time ago, I have faced it by my own MENTAL power all the while, I would say, you don't ever judge me with your narrow mind that why am I simply lost my temper or whatsoever. You don't understand, therefore just shut up, you don't understand me, you just pretended that you understand because you are so much elder than me and you want to "save" me from losing myself. Ya, I know you are elder, you have more life experiences, and you are trying to give me advises based on that. I appreciated it, but please give according to norm, NOT by judging people, you have no right to judge me where you don't understand me at all. I believe you have past too but please don't compare yours and mine. Different era, people think differently. I know CERTAIN people call me as self-centered. Well, please define it. 

Pain, the pain...for what I knew, and what doctor said, it is an unknown factor. So, I will just accept this reason meanwhile deal with it, because it caused me side effects for eating medicine that relieve the pain. I know, I need and I have to gain endurance and tolerance limit to pain. Pain won't subside until I eat the damn meds. So I just bear with it, I have my own channel to deal with it, to ignore it. My main goal now is to IGNORE it, where somehow I do wish I have more endorphins...haha, to block the pain signal. I must control myself well enough to not letting myself controlled too much by the change of hormones or mood swings. Well enough to not let those hypocrites get the chance to JUDGE again. But, you know, hormones, you are controlled by them...so, mental power comes in, when you know you are affected by the sudden change of hormone levels, just tell yourself, not to, if can, just direct it to the RIGHT channels. I knew that I have caused some damages, please accept my apology, I am really appreciate it if you tell me so, please don't hide from me that because I may have done some damage without I realize it. 
I am trying to hide my pain from not showing out. I know I can endure it.

***

Oh gosh, I met a lot of hypocrites this year. Well, recently their activity of JUDGING people stop...Good for now.

I met a friend, that I would say a little weird, and unique to me. I roughly can guess the friend's thought. Well, I believe in sincerity maintaining a friendship. This is the friend who actually triggered my inner thoughts, like I have finally found a right channel to raise my questions, even though the friend said...hoping is not influencing. Yup, you are not influencing. 


Talking about my career, well, teaching has been better now. Quite smooth. I got the satisfaction. Sorry to say, the national education system failed. I found no satisfaction from there. I am glad that I have this job, teaching job, different syllabus. From this, I learned new things too. 

I am back!

Want to say sorry to my blog for abandoned it, almost one year. Have been too busy to update it. Many things to share, but no time to share it here. Blog used to be my place to rant my feelings, complains, so called secret, inner feelings, hidden feelings. 

Well, this year, suddenly become a IGCSE Maths teacher. Then during mid year, Biology and Chemistry. Then half way, if not mistaken, principal and my colleague said the students and the parents requested me back to guide them Maths, but I have to let go Biology. (When I shared this news with my friend, she told me her experience during her school time, I suddenly felt I am so 大牌, until principal had to change her instructions to ask me teach Maths, sorry...paiseh betul. Think in another way, does this mean the students agree and like my teaching method?) Continue to guide them Maths, seriously, I tell you, NOT easy, very hard. With that kind of basics, with that kind of sick attitude, how to excel in Maths? You will hear all sorts of excuses, totally pissed you off. Chemistry teaching is okay, after all, this subject is a new thing to them. Certain students kinda "give me face", sit at the first row to listen to me. I felt kinda happy. Sorry to say something that is very distracting, I admit that I am "airport", the student who sits in front of me is physically matured than me, ya, you see nothing wrong here, so, you would "ternampak" the cleavage...I was like...=.= So distracting. I was telling myself, LUCKILY I am not a lesbian, not a guy, if not, how am I continue to teach, facing the student; however, I still try not to stand in front of the student, I felt paiseh...LOL

As an overall, my students can get along with me quite well, can laugh and fooling around with me (of course they pick the right mood of mine that time). Comments to me are mainly I am very  scary, change mood very fast, face looked very fierce. I guess you all know the reason they can get along with me well, because I looked young. Hahaha!!! In fact, no one know my age yet. Of course they cannot know. Chaos later...lol. Sometimes, I guess, because I looked young, and some of the topics still fit in their conversation, so they like to talk and chat with me. 

The best experience is, a student, after knowing the Chemistry, she so scared she failed and said sorry to me, but I happily told her that she passed and got the second highest in class. She thanked me so many times for my good teaching. You know what, that is the best consolation I got, was suffering from the disappointment from the results. Well, now I think I shall get used to this kind of results, there are so many types of people in the world, but with that kind of sick learning attitude, seriously, I couldn't expect too much from them. And one of my students' parent told me that her child gain confidence in Chemistry, which is another achievement to me. 

Well, I guess I shall stop here, about school stuffs. Am continue with other stuffs in another post. 

阴晴不定

Kinda frustrated recently. Hopefully I won't get the reason right for the frustration. I lost my frustration to the room door, especially, and felt very annoyed of what I already felt annoyed to. However, I am kinda patient when I am driving, even more patient, which is surprising myself.

When I feel so frustrated and very emo, is surprising that the person I thought of is not that somebody, but Lord. I prayed. I did felt a little better after talked to Lord "in silence". Therefore I haven't lost my frustration to anyone yet, until got any complaint. However, I felt not very ok...

Well, is not that I am having PMS, and not emotional problem, I just feel annoyed and frustrated in a sudden, without I even can control and at last I noticed that.

Stop the crap, please...

想多了还是其实很复杂?

嗯，因为不愿意面对自己的感觉，又怕想得多会把它想成是真的，所以都没来这里抒发。

最近与他见面，我知道我是不喜欢也不习惯正眼对着别人说话。对着他说话，也是这样，虽然我猜想，也感觉到他对别人，对我说话时是正眼看着我的。我只是有时会与他对望一下，却让我看见让我舒服，让我感到可靠的微笑。嗯，可靠这词好像用得不对，怎么说呢，我想这不能以笔墨来形容吧，这是一种感觉，他的笑容总是能让我不拘谨自己的面孔，笑出来，因为我不怎么爱笑。

会想念那笑容，这代表什么?

我总是很调皮地与他讲话，好笑的是，我们都是用英语，有时掺掺来交谈。他总是会在每说完几句话就笑的，就是喜欢看他那笑容。

我喜欢, 现在其实在想那笑容。

一厢情愿还是太容易感动?

那时的我，心灵上也许有点脆弱，别人看不出，因为自己硬撑了。遇到一个关心自己的朋友，因为她比较年长的关系，所以突然我想要一个姐姐。也因为她比较年长，也基于一些原因，我就知道她不会陷害我，不会对我假情假意，所以我让她关心。我与她相处也比较开心，舒服。不是说我不让其他朋友关心还是什么的，只是，想说：我受够了，朋友背叛了友情，我有时不太相信身边的朋友，即使他们看起来有多真诚，当然我是不会先对别人假情假意，但若我还是受到无理及无礼的对待，我现在在问自己我是不是在笑里藏刀还是敷衍那些人，有时，我发觉我在这方面还蛮在行的(有点贬义的说)。

与她说话，谈天，真的很舒服。我还记得她曾经说过，想哭的话，找她吧，她可以给我一个怀抱，还说我俩够平，所以没什么距离，可以抱得蛮实的，有点被炸的感觉吧，但感觉还蛮温馨的。我到最后都没找她，因为不要别人看见我哭的样子。

与她谈话时的感觉是与其他朋友谈话时的感觉是截然不同的。也许这样，我容易被她的话语感动，也比较听她的话，虽然一些比较要好的朋友用同一些话来告诉我。

曾经喜欢她，因为她给我的感觉就像一个姐姐在关心她的妹妹一样。但是，这感觉真实吗? 还是她只是履行了身为一位朋友的责任，也许比较亲切而已。

a so called good news

Well, after bearing the pain for long, finally took the damn steroid. I guessed my stubborn on not taking the steroid has made my body almost out of the steroid, therefore, the second day I took the steroid, my mood obviously got better. The pain obviously reduced. Guessed because of the steroid is flushed out of body system for some time, body couldn't recognize and can accept better the steroid. Tolerance limit gone, I guess.

Well, not sure whether the insomnia I experienced is the result of the steroid or not, I had insomnia for few days, not to say not sleeping at all, I slept very little and totally awake during the day. I am now paying the consequences, sleep a lot, often feel hot temper. I can feel that when chatting with friends online. They also asked why I am so frustrated. Sorry, friends, I couldn't help it.

I am not in pain now, the steroid has shown its effect on reducing the pain. Still waiting to see a right doctor for solving the problem. Still searching...

不知名

都不知道从何时开始，心情有点恶劣的说。当然，心情恶劣也不会这么没风度把它放在脸上，也许脸会比较酷而已。

知道在忍痛，却死都不承认，好听来说，说是忍惯了。难听来说，说自己是固执，不肯接受事实，乖乖去吃药；但是要吃的药，杀伤力，后遗症也真多的。最后，还是忍不了，吃药去了，因为如果不吃药，我会被自己给烦死了...被自己要爆发但又忍下来的意念给拉着。

最近只是与比较要好的朋友说出我的感受，我以为我忍得了，我以为我能忍得并把一切感受给收藏起来，可是我不能，也许我不是如大家所说的这么坚强，可以什么都忍着，什么都不说，默默承受。

Sudden emo

I knew that I am having mood change. I knew that I don't feel good. I knew that I feel something is not right.

I just can't find out the reason that time...and finally I realized the root of the mood change...

亲切感

When chatting with HH, I will always feel the closeness and warmth or in chinese we called it as 亲切感, feel like I am having an elder sister who loves me, like a family member.

HH knew my health condition...hmm, HH was the one who asked me this, because I told her about something, then this question popped up. Had no idea why I felt so relieved and warmth after I said those out and I remembered I cried after I typed all that in the chat room.

As time goes by, almost half a year I faced the worsen health condition...All the while I strove, and all the while, my close friends know about this, I got the blessings from God too...although my close friends can't help much, their moral support did gave me strength, apart from God's. I seldom cry, but they lent me their shoulders when I need it...

How great it is if HH is my sister...XP, have been very long since I felt this kind of closeness...hmm...

worsen

Seriously, I hate to think of the title every time when I started to write every post... *zzz* (LOL)

Well, 2 months ago, is all started with I felt the excessive sleepiness although I slept much more earlier than when I was still in student life, next was my voice turned coarse in a sudden and this is NOT caused by heaty (I am pretty sure about this). Not long after that, I felt the pain at the neck part, followed by the hardening of the swollen near the thyroid gland. I knew is happening again...T.T However, I can somehow face it with calmer heart, compared to before, my inner peace is stronger now...no one would actually know that I am in pain as I can bear it quite well (this is something not to be so proud about...=.= -> well, I am just trying to console myself...) I prayed even harder after the pain started. So happened that, I really got stronger inner peace for that. God really blessed and loved me a lot.

Now, whenever I feel pain, I will need, mainly, cope with the physical side effects that brought by the sickness. I admit that, the physical side effects caused problem to my job...is really not a good sign of good worker as you always fall asleep or feel sleepy. Not to say I find excuses (for I always fall asleep after sit and facing laptop for too long), which that is my medical problem, but, this is the TRUTH. So, if possible, I would just keep standing and walk around (the most serious condition I ever encounter was I can even fall asleep while I was standing) or make myself busy, or WISH that I have a lot of things to deal with, so that I won't feel pain and focus on my work. The worsen part...the 6 days-course of medication of prednisolone is no longer effective to make the inflammation and pain totally subside and my appetite suddenly increases (I have no idea whether this is effect of stress or from the prednisolone's). Guess I am immuned to the current dosage? This caused me to bear for the pain for more than a week, the current situation: I bore the pain for at least 2 weeks...T.T , I hope I never hurt people if my emotions did changed. Sorry if I did.

Well, I am finally forced to visit the doctor for this worsen conditions...my close friends already forced me to do so...the ever worst thing is my parents still don't know my current condition...I wonder did they realize my voice has turned coarse... Ah...damn it...I just don't know how to talk to them about this...

恼人

说真的，曾经，一度怀疑自己对你的感觉...虽然，最后的那一次是半年前，而我也摆脱了那差点害惨我的感觉。就在大约一个月前，遇见了你，找到另外一种依靠，当时就快疯了，但仔细想，我似乎把他当成精神支柱，另外一个所谓心灵的代替者，那种精神支柱，至少我那时的情绪，心情得以解脱。

说真，对着你，我知道我的问题，我的情绪一定会好转，因为我把你当成了是神派来的使者，我也知道，我想我知道我是被考验着...

自己，不要再迷惑了...清醒...要清醒...

dilemma...a great one

Well, was actually kinda in dilemma which nearly caused me lose concentration during work. Was kinda depressed because i still can't get the solution until now. I know that decisions, evaluations, considerations and deliberations is kinda much, and it is very important to not jump into conclusion so fast by only taking one side's opinions. Opinions are after all opinions, at last, the decision still on our own call, therefore, overall considerations with not affected by others is needed in final decision.

Currently am in a rubber factory be a lab assistant, doing QC work on rubber samples, either their own production or from other manufacturer. This can be considered a chemistry field. Well, seriously to say, the working environment I am facing now is not up to my expectation. Ok, just a little complaint from that. Seriously working life now, for now, can help me kill time, gain some pocket money, can help me by think deeply on my own interest. Instead of thinking of it at home and doing nothing at home, why not think about it during work, maybe I will have more inspiration on considering for every aspect. Plus I should not be choosy as a fresh graduate, try everything, everything will be new for me. Try to like my job, even though the working environment might not as what I expected.

For further studies, or continue working after my convocation...I have consulted from Him for this. To further studies, a lot of procedures need to be followed and not that easy to get that. Working...am I really going to work in rubber factory for long? How about other fields'? My friend told me that, I have to decide properly, think properly, and tell Him my thoughts then left this to Him to lead me to the way (if I am not mistaken or misunderstand the meaning). After this, just left Him to lead me and answer my prayer. Is it when I tell Him my decision, I shall not judge it and accept it? Ah, is so hard to express my dilemma now about passing my prayer to Him. I told this to my friend who is a Christian. Well, until now, I still haven't get my words organized and tell my friend the dilemma on this. About trusting and leave it to Him and to not judge, etc. Oh, headache...

My choice and field of interest for now is...pharmaceutical chemistry or technology, or drug design... Who knows later I might get interest in polymer chemistry...DILEMMA...

Weird

Well, is kinda weird for me today. Dinner with family at the dining table. Normally, either one of the family members not there or I will just avoid from being together. Today, all of us sat together and have dinner. Because three of us (my two brothers and me) wanted to go to watch movie, so we kinda ate quite fast. Although is like that, still feel weird because all of us eat together. Well, many people will say that this is just a normal thing, why should I feel so weird about. This is because, I used to always avoid from being together, as I don't like being asked this and that, being asked on those questions that I don't feel like answer, and most of the time would end with quarrel. Today, was a little rush, so, don't get to talk too.

Now, get to be at home...I somehow scared that, there will be even more quarrels. So, if no need to talk much, I will try not to talk so much...(to be continued)

a happy day

Well, yesterday was the day, the happiest that I ever experienced after stay so long in Kampar, the feelings and the warmth atmosphere with friends. I guess, I am the last one to leave Kampar among my classmates, as I need to send my thesis to be hard bounded, and at the same time, I need some space and peace mind to do some thinking here about my future plan, and things to settle in campus. Although is a little bored, but my friend, H still here and S too. That time, I feel it would be nice because this two good friends are here. S also needs to send her thesis to be hard bounded, therefore, stays in Kampar too.

Needed to send something to H, so, I went to H's house with S. Then we talked and laughed for more than an hour outside the house...LOL. That time, what I can say is, the happy feeling and the warmth, I feel the nice and happy feelings when talking with them, seriously, I never feel that happy before; not to say that I don't feel happy with other friends, happy feelings also can be divided into different levels. Maybe our age difference is not big, so, we can talk and laugh like nobody's business. I remembered H told me that, if my birthday is near, she will organize a make-over party for me to change me into a more girlish GIRL for a day...H mentioned that again yesterday, and both H and S were like challenging me...lol, I was like laughing and said that if both of you remember and daring, but need to wait until next year...LOL. Guess what, I felt warmth for this. Then H talked about her experience about her and her "kaki" organized a party for her friend who is actually pretty but likes to wear boyish clothes. Then everything was so funny until we LMAO. One thing that was very FUNNY is, she said that the birthday star's feedback on the birthday present was: 谢谢你们"强暴"了我...OMG, it was so so FUNNY, not only that H's tone was funny when saying this, and also H's facial expression, laughed like hell that time, the three of us. I enjoyed the moment very much, because I don't get to laugh like that, even though with the friends that I think is very close.

Although is just a short chat (maybe some of you think is long), but seriously to say, I felt very happy. I posted on Facebook, saying that 似乎好久没这么开心过了，谢谢你们两位朋友, actually referred to both of them, and I guess they knew what I meant, because they "Like" my status on Facebook, this happy feeling, is hard to express by words as described in chinese saying "非笔墨所能形容", but I would never forget this. I guess the most probable explanation is I like this two friends, and I appreciated their help on me.

pour out

I slept at around 0430 this morning. Yes, 0430, you see the right time, and I woke up around 0930, without the aid of alarm clock.

Why I slept that late...I poured out to a friend, and in a coincidence, I was insomnia that time. I couldn't sleep at all. Some problems bother me for long, and I guess I chose to ignore and avoid rather than facing it. I am sucks in the relationship with parents, we can't communicate well. Due to the quarrels for my health condition, I hid from them and avoid from talking about this issue until now. I need time to sit down and think with peaceful mind. When I talked to H, I don't know why, I feel like I annoyed her so I ended the conversation, I really feel like I annoyed her and bothered her too much on my so called personal problems. Then chatted with another friend, whom I know I can trust to, talked until I cried, but because of just typing it out, I can't release my real feeling. Then with an urge (not from myself, is like SOMEONE urged me), I talked to another friend, who is S that I mentioned in previous posts. I can't recall how long we talked, but I talked until I cried, maybe this is the main urge, cry. I thought that I can handle this alone, I thought that I can avoid this for long even though feel like ignoring that first. The past experience somehow stopped me from step forward to solve the underlying problem.

I cried a lot when poured all out to S. Then we talked a lot too. First time ever cried in front of a friend, normally I cry when I am alone. However, as usual, I avoided the eye-contact, when i poured and cried, my face was facing the door or wall. I knew S understood that. It was a long and deep talk. I appreciated the moment, it made me relieved. And thanks to H for being supportive, even though S said that H won't mind all these. Ya, I think I can agree with S that, if H ever feels annoyed, she won't chat with me for so long. That night, I had a better sleep, a deeper sleep, even though I didn't sleep much. Seriously, I really feel thankful to God and them who be with me at that moment. I felt a sudden relief at that moment.

On the other hand, the dyspnea condition is getting worse. It happened even more often, until I almost call for help to go to the hospital, well, why would I said that I "almost call"? It is like, I feel like I don't trust those doctors or nurses, and I don't feel like cause trouble or burden to the people that care for me a lot. I will feel sorry if I cause them to worry on me. I bear it until very hard. My chest was so tight, dizzy and I hardly breath well. Sometimes, I even get shocked and woke up in a sudden, during afternoon nap. I tried very best to make myself looked alright, and I can guess people will be asking, what for?! Well, those are my reasons: I don't wish to see friends that care of me worry about me, I don't wish to let them see me in such a not fine condition that time. Really hope that this condition won't persist long, seriously, I really scared...

During the FINAL exam

I guess everyone would have the same response in going through exam period: study, of course...what else that you can do? Well, my focus is not this, of course, I need to study, study hard indeed, but many things happened in between and I strove to get through it and I am glad that God and friends were there to support me morally and mentally.

Strove very hard during the exam period, the weather started to become very hot, it made my room like an oven, a natural sauna for almost 24/7, and it made me felt like I wanna move into the fridge to study instead...lol. My health condition, hyperthyroidism that caused my body temperature slightly high, well not to say high, but easily get very hot easily, the indicator is my palms are HOT, not cool or warm. Besides, the body got very hot, as though I am having fever, fine, all these I can tolerate with it, because I am used to it, just that the increased level made me a little impatient. For studies sake, I bear with it. Next as the second side effect, headache and dizziness came to strike me in a sudden and often, not because study too hard, is that the side effects of consumption of prednisolone finally showed its side effects and those tortured me a lot. Headache and dizziness when doing revision is a torture. I prayed to God that, I need a clear and peace mind to study and let the facts adsorbed to my brain cells, and of course not letting the headache and dizziness screwed up the exam. And guess what, the headache and dizziness didn't show up at the time I was sitting for exam until I finished the paper on that particular day. Third paper, also the second last paper was in 3 days time, the next day after the second paper, because of headache, sudden great pain on the neck, exactly at the thyroid glands part, I lied on bed to rest, I had no idea whether I fainted or I fall asleep, I only knew that, it was a nightmare for me that moment, woke up with no pain, however, sweat like hell (seems one of the side effects too) and the headache still stroke me a little. I told my friend...which until now, I thought that I shall not tell that out...but H knew this, as I saw her online that time, H is the one I wished to talk that time, I had no idea why. That was the worst nightmare that I ever had.

Next, during exam period, high cortisol level is normal, and it increases appetite, too, but the effect was doubled on me because of my health condition. That was the first side effect: increased appetite as a result of prednisolone. Third side effect: short of breath, I know hyperthyroidism will cause difficulty in breathing and short of breath, but it came too often. Fourth side effect, it messed up my menstrual cycle. It came much more earlier than it should be. I guess this was not that serious, because menstrual cycle can be messed up by stress too. Fifth, insomnia, for some people, they would be happy because they can keep on study, but brain is left no rest, can cause severe fatigue and reduced productivity. I had been insomnia for a few days. Damn it!!! I guess I am lazy to describe the other side effects because was not significant enough to affect me.

Every night before I slept, I prayed to the God that, no matter how bad the side effects were, I just wish to have a peace mind, and wish that the side effects won't screw up my exam, I wish to overcome it with calm heart and mind. I went through all these smoothly. Thank God and to my friends who were there to support me. I guessed I didn't cry much during that period because I knew that I was being tested and challenged my patience, and thank God that my mood doesn't being affected, if not, the condition would get worse, even without all those side effects.

After the exam, I thought the pain will come back to strike at me even harder, well, it DOES NOT. I guess He heard my prayer that I do not wish to take prednisolone anymore? I admitted that prednisolone did helped me relieve the pain, but I couldn't deny it would bring destruction too. Seriously to say that, I had no idea and I forgotten how I gone through that tough period, but I am proud to myself and praise the Lord for all these.

End of my Degree in Uni life

Well, 11:00am of 11/5/2011, Wednesday, that's the end of my FINAL semester examination and also the end of my Degree life. However, no one actually shout out or very excited. Why? I guess was due to the last 2 papers that actually almost "killed" all of us. Seriously, when I read the first question, it almost made my heart sunken. I was so scared that I thought I couldn't remember at all. However, I managed to cool and calm myself down, and tried to recall as hard as I can.

Here, I would want to thank a person that meant a lot to me during this semester, let the person as H (is a she). Well, she is my lecturer, and is a very YOUNG lecturer. Just since don't know when, I get quite close and good with H, and ya, we are friends too, other than lecturer-student relationship. Is all began with H has clicked "Like" and commented on one of the photo of "Bible study" album on Facebook. Then I was surprised and from that moment, we started to chat and get on well. H leaded me to express my problems, my difficulties, from the way H talked to me, I know He has sent someone that can actually share my problems and my feelings. I told H that I know I couldn't disturb and add on burdens on my friends that are having exams even though they said they are fine with that, I just know I couldn't, so H offered to be my listener. H had made some mind maps that helped us to understand well and focused on the part that we shall emphasize in. H somehow inspired me in doing mind maps for the last 2 subjects, where the notes organization is actually quite a mess, because I somehow complained that the notes are really a mess and is THICK. H said, why not just do the mind maps, it can help you to remember better, and H said that the mind maps helped a lot to get through her whole Degree life. H shared that her Masters' degree is research-based. H enjoyed a lot and mastered good techniques, this somehow like inspired me, A LOT. I actually did mind maps, and guess what, they really helped me a lot. I can remember that the answers for the questions in final exam paper is in the mind maps. I felt and experienced the benefits of mind maps, because previously, I do not trust on mind maps and mind maps are a waste of time. However, this is the first time and last time for me to experience its power...a big thanks and appreciation to H again.

A big challenge for studying for the exam in this semester, where, the weather is killing people, especially it is worse on me which I have hyperthyroidism (my metabolic rate very high, I always feel hot, and this weather worsen the symptoms that I was facing), and certain medication which side effects showed up one by one, BIG BIG CHALLENGES to me. I prayed to God and I am glad that H supported me morally. The biggest help that H ever done, maybe to some people, it is like nothing, but it meant a lot to me, on Monday, after the Plant Biochemistry paper, and of course is time for me to revise for Toxicology paper, my very last paper for my Degree. I asked H for permission to study in her house, as I know her house is actually much more cooler than my room. H agreed. When I went there, was almost 11:30pm, H let me to stay overnight at her house, and even asked me to go sleep in her room, but I rejected...lol, don't ask me why. I remembered we chatted a while, H was marking thesis and I was studying the last 2 chapters for the first round for Toxicology. The environment in her house is just nice and I managed to complete the first round of revision, and the facts is adsorbed better to my brain cells. This help is so so precious to me. I couldn't express more, conclusion is a BIG thanks to H. I really appreciate it. In fact, I was so touched that time. If not, I will get cooked in my own room. You can imagine that horrible weather and the productivity of revision is MUCH reduced. Without her help, I couldn't have completed my second round of revision.

I got back my marked thesis. I don't know what is the grade for my project, could I just assume that my work is appreciated and is well done?! Well, I guess everyone will think like that too. I thanked her by face for inspiration of the mind maps. Then I told her that I will bring something for her.

After I back from hometown yesterday, I was emo, in a sudden, as promised, I brought some nice food from hometown and I talked with H for almost 3 hours. Besides that, we also talked about other issues, anything that we can talk about. I was surprised that H actually talked to me about some issues that other people shouldn't have know. I appreciate the trust. You know what, everything was just a relief, I felt a lot better after talked with H. It worked every time. I also know He also did the favour to me. Thank God.

Just now, gathering with a friend, actually was a bit disappointed that the others that I really care of (juniors but also my friends) can't join. However, am glad that the friend that joined me for dinner, we always care for each other, and I know the friend is a person that is inner-directed than most of the friends. The friend said that the others agreed for this gathering but just...well, a bit "speechless" and disappointed. What I want is just a gathering, nothing much. Is not to say that I wish for return for what I did, or is it bad to ask for at least a little bit appreciation? Well, whatever. People who knows me, will know what I am trying to explain here.

I am glad that I met a lot of friends and nice though, I am glad that they came into my life, enlighten and cherished my Uni life. I will always remember this 3 years that brought a lot of memories to me.