is OK but not ok

Well, this whole week until Friday, I am in physically exhausted state. And started from Tuesday, started to have even serious mentally exhausted state. Well, is it in physically and mentally exhausted state, I am not so sure, I just feel that I am not really myself after all. Trying my best to keep myself awake, trying to keep myself cheerful, trying my best to keep myself look good, at least not as bad mood as shown on my face yesterday. My face told me that my face looked bad, a very moody, angry, cool look.

Well, I also have no idea how to describe my feeling. I just found out that, I keep almost everything to myself. Why don't I try to talk to someone? Well, they have their own problems and some are relaxing as they finished their tests for the week. I still got tests on, and I feel that I can't be reckless that much.

After I came back yesterday, I sat in front of my laptop, staring gaze. The feeling of wanna cry arising, but somehow I did something else (I don't remember what I did to distract the feeling), I didn't cry). It is not the most serious state that can cause me cry (the meaning is something like that in chinese). I watched my favourite drama series, felt nice and relaxed. I listened to songs. Try to forget everything by immersing myself in the world of music. Ya, is effective. I felt that I am in the world of music, I am playing the music, I am enjoying the music. Suddenly I realized that this is one of the advantages from learning music...^^

Well, the timing bom is somehow inactivated. I break the code...^^ Then I tried to blog as I told myself that I will give yself some time to blog during this week. I fall asleep while I blogged half way...==||| Is time to take a good rest, tomorrow will be ok. I saved my draft and I went to sleep willingly. Well, this word "willingly" meant here I finally let myself rest, although I can't finish my tasks yesterday.

Today, is the schedule to clean my room. I took this opportunity to distress. Ya, is nice! At the same time, my friend coincidentally invite me to chat via MSN. Then we chatted, with our style. Somehow, even though the conversation and some of what we talked is in the style of very 废, I enjoyed it. This is the way of communication between my friend and me. I felt relaxed and glad that the timing is right. Thanks, my friend!

All in all, I am ok now. I think I hide the so called the stuffs that I kept to myself to else where, and I can't find it back. So just let it be, consider it never exist, ok? No need to find it back, is not worth to take the time to find it back...make sense, right? Haha...

^.^

I ignore, ignore and ignore

Well, told you that I'm done with C. Then the next challenge is go through my so called weakness which is value and care for my friend very much. Since I told myself that I won't care about that anymore, I will realize my mind this time!!! And yet since last week onwards, I made it, today even better!!! Wish this kind of determination will last...haha ==|||

At first, it is hard, of course...So far, I appreciated the accompaniment of my MP3 player. C somehow I don't know whether is purposely or else, C talked quite loud. Well, I am with my world, immersing myself in music, so, don't wish to care much. DON'T WISH TO CARE THAT MUCH ANYMORE FROM THAT TIME ONWARDS!!! Or I shall say, I DON'T WANT to care anymore about C. Who is the right side or wrong side (even though is me), is doesn't matter anymore.

Correct me if I am wrong. That kind of people, I know C is smart, somehow, the smartness is used at the wrong place, by controlling people's mind and thinking, by using distracting people's mind as strategy before exam. Come on, please use your own wisdom, this kind of dirty tactics, I already "see through" (what a direct translation ==|||) Ya, C may show the kindness, however, if everything ask for return, then you better don't do good to us. I rather don't want this type of kindness. Found that C was like trying to gain attention or trying to 指桑骂槐 or whatever. Is not that I am "perasan", is that I know C's pattern. Again I said, correct me if I am wrong.

So, I want to apologize that I told some people that C changed. In fact, C doesn't change much, just change some of the strategies. Well, in terms of communication skills, ya, improved. However, if the basic doesn't change, even C change the latter also no use.

I IGNORE!!! Peace...^^

unconsciously or wronged myself?

After the crisis, somehow realized that I did wronged myself for a little bit sometimes. Noticed that myself acted stupid (I admit that I am noob sometimes), acted immature (actually I have a lot of thoughts). Some so called matured people said and thought I am not matured enough to go out to face the reality of the society nowadays, ok, is not a nice sentence, but never mind, I know myself better. Sometimes, know and "see" too much will create speechless and avoiding and then escaping situations. Sometimes, human being need to keep low profile enough. No need show how matured are you or how smart are you every time, and you might gain a good feedback or more respect for return.

Ok, acted stupid and blur seems became one of my "strategy". Well, is not really my strategy, is my physical condition caused me so. Thanks to my condition, allowing me to ask stupid questions that somehow got fruitful answer...^^ give stupid responses (most of the time is I have no idea what kind of response I should give, give you the response that you wished to? Or the response that you don't expect), I don't mind give stupid responses because I am not that smart, no need show off. I also don't mind to give the response that you wish to, since you are happy with it. Sometimes, I also think that, do I wronged myself to act like that? Well, sometimes, MAYBE I do like that to suit your arrogance, your ignorance, not that I am stupid to do so, is that if I become arrogant and like to show off like you, then there will be endless fight. Then I rather keep silence to observe. Or I just don't like to show off (even though I may have some talents), I no need to be in high profile, so as an ordinary student, I did act ordinarily in CONSCIOUSLY... make sense, right?

By the way, to face some kind of people, to suit their ignorance and arrogance, I better act stupid, to avoid being throw anything bad in a sudden, people just jealous you are very smart sometimes. Ya, I admit that, to act stupid MOST of the time is tired, but, is fine for me, tolerate...higher tolerance has become one of my characteristics started from the beginning of this semester.

Is tired, maybe I need to start to "ignore" and be a bit selfish, for my own sake.

I'm done!

Ok, crisis again...with C. Well, told you all that I can't feel the friendship bond between both of us. Sounds like we are taking advantage of each other rather than in a real friendship.

This time, I shall say, I am disappointed. Although C changed a bit, C doesn't really make the superficial change that can please people more, after all, looked at different aspect and angle, not to say I am prejudice or what, I can be considered the victim here... C's situation really fits the chinese saying: 换汤不换药. Well, since C realized that many people feel annoyed, C decided to change, apologized to those people, to become so called kind (not really after all, as C seems that ask something as return) and etc. At first I didn't really want to believe C. But then, I was thinking that have more friend than an enemy, so I some sorta forgive C, not fully. I was hoping C to be a better person, at least not making people feel annoyed by trying my best to tell C the reason behind all the scenarios, and until now, I also have no idea why am I so tolerant. So far, I am wrong, to C's changes (Not to say that I have great influence, is that I am trying to play my role as a friend; so, seems that, I have failed...?! My other friends said that C just very hard to change, so, at least I have done my role.)

Not I am the one who saying so, sometimes C shows pitiful face, or what so ever, that make people thinks that something very sad and making C looked so innocent is going on, even though C is the wrong side. C made such look that making us feel guilty, controlling our mind that we were so wrong to "bully" C like that, so wrong that we "torture" C's mind like that.

And maybe C took advantage of my characteristics: value my friends a lot. C some sorta make people "miserable" because C made people thinks that C (as my friend) is hurt and I am the one who value friends should forgive her or something like that. Is this a kind of friendship? Why I feel that I was being taken advantage in terms of mentally? Not to say I am angry, I just feel very disappointed. Not to say I ask something for return as I value friends, is that, I wish that you as a friend, you play your role as well. Just don't force me to scold C a "bitch" (unless this kind of person is pushing me to a certain limit, only I might scold this kind of words) as this kind of attitude for treating a friend, by controlling, by taking advantage, these kind of acts are hurting a friend seriously. What do you expect for my response to C's acts? Cry? Speechless? Feel being fooled? Sigh, I have no idea on how to describe the feelings now, but what I decided is: I'm DONE!!! I will ignore as much as I can to C's controlling, ignore C's distracting mind strategy. So, am I stupid to being controlled and until now only realized that?!

I think I have learned to ignore many things. Some things, the more I care, the more I feel hurt...

Conclusion: I'm done!!! (if can, I don't want to have friends like that)...

independence

My former Mp3 player R.I.P around one week ago, which caused me very nervous about it. I was very angry at the person who added the GREAT EXTRA injury to the Mp3 player, that actually slowly kill it. It was injured before it was with me. But I love it very much, even I accidentally knocked the earphone also I felt pain. When it was crashed hardly on the floor, by that idiot, I felt very 心痛, then only felt very angry to that idiot. I know it strove and struggled to serve itself until it really "dead" one week ago. I felt so sorry for it.

This Mp3 player was my companion, I rely on it, by listening to songs (my hobby as well, I LOVE music) when there is break time in campus, to avoid me getting stress that easily and also the lectures. Some lecturers are speaking and talking damn fast, hard to catch, and also because of I am easily fatigue, so I need it to do the recording in case I really dozed off. And to avoid me to think too much. When it dead, there is no where to get another Mp3 player that can replace it at that moment, until I heard about the PC fair at Penang. So I asked to go Penang, my friends welcomed me. I felt so touched. Lastly, I got a NEW MP3 player!!! Yeah!!! And oh dear, please wait ya, I sure will take you go and repair...T.T (the time is surely damn slow for you to pass)

In this week, at the same time, I was sick too, due to most probably the recurring inflammation. Was a bit suffering almost for the 5 days of campus-ing. I think I had screwed up one of my report, as I did it under great headache. Luckily condition was getting better in Wednesday afternoon. Started to get some light meal, such as meehoon soup. I need to bear the hunger, but no choice, I don't want the fever to recur before I sit for the Friday's test. So far, I can revise under the condition I expected, although not the optimal condition I was that time (you think you are enzyme? Optimal?!) So far, I didn't screw up the Protein and Proteomics test, just that I knew I can actually do better.

Seems that I gone too far...ok, come back.

Speaking of the "deceased" mp3 player, I need to be independent in terms of regulating the rising level of stress and also to avoid myself think nonsense and also train myself can revise lecture notes in a stress-less condition. I know I shall not rely on it all the time, but that week, just that a lot of challenges to a sick person. Ok, so far, I can cope it, is not that hard, though. I am happy for myself. Initially, on Monday, it was HARD for me, because felt like lost something, felt like something is not with me that day. I was a bit lost that day...T.T... Tuesday onwards, I let myself immersed in lecture notes, not to think the "deceased" mp3 player, since I can't do anything now, until I get back to hometown to find the rescue. But then I still feel sad... Is happy that, I was not desperate to find S for the dependence. I KNOW I SHALL depend on my own. I can now at least can focus more on revising lecture notes while in break time. ^^

I shall depend more on my own, in terms of spiritually.

cautious

Well, now, change feeling, change to another story.

Ever since had some sorta "silent fight", so called 冷战 by direct translation, I became even more cautious to the friend, let the friend be C here. Just don't know why, I think most probably is because C betrayed me before, even though C apologized, we became friends again, C always consider me as listener, then I listen. But then, the bond is not there. (Do I wish to have the bond-the bond of REAL friendship with C?!) I wrote some issues about C in another blog. However here, is mainly about my feelings, so, just talk about how I think and feel in this so called friendship. I don't like people 暗讽, especially C's tone, really felt annoyed. C somehow, sometimes really 换汤不换药, C's some attitude changed, but not all, especially those very annoying ones, still made people feel annoying and even feel that C was using certain kind of strategy to distract people's mind. I felt that too, so won't stand near C when there is test. I know C will try to distract my mind about the knowledge, about what I have studied.

Even now, still wanna try to distract people's mind by talking in the annoying way, asking am I prepared? As I may looked confident that day, or I looked cheerful that day. Like that also want to comment about it, I am speechless. And purposely talked that loud, until many people can hear, I hate that!!! (Ok, I know the voice is loud, I will try my best to ignore that.)

Now? Just act as normal, act as stupid as usual (sometimes I am indeed stupid ><) Trying my best to ignore those unnecessary and unhealthy talking.

Meditation...