Well, I asked my friend to read the blog. My friend who knows this kind of condition (I mean my friend experienced before), said that this kind of feeling would be 没完没了, so called never-ending. Huh?! Why? Is it because how I describe the situation? How I describe the situation and "environment" when I am mixing with S? Hmm, I see. But another thing is my friend said that from the blog, can be seen that I am been trying my best to overcome that kind of dependence feeling. Ya, I am struggling hard to overcome it. (Or should I say I am actually just let it be, no need struggle --> talking craps again)
Ya, I know that that kind of dependence feeling is just 一线之差 (is it called the small difference?) with the so called "like" feeling. I have been feel very annoyed and be in dilemma because of this. However, I try to make myself clear. The process was just kinda hard...T.T...
I have been got stuck within the response of avoiding and facing S. Facing S? Or avoiding S? Both of these might create the greater feeling of dependence and of course the never-ending condition. Well, now choose the former ones. But sometimes latter ones will "come" and interfere my thoughts. The latter ones I will deal it with the busyness, trying my VERY BEST to keep myself OCCUPIED. My life already occupied by studies and FYP stuffs and yet I am trying to make myself even occupied. Ya, you have seen the right words. I am trying to make myself EVEN MORE OCCUPIED (hope this won't create greater stress that cause me "suffocated").
Ok, continue my mission to make myself even more OCCUPIED...!!!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
case solved?!
I have asked L to help me to tell S about my improved health condition (L willing to do so). Well, actually I was nervous about S's response after knowing this. Since don't know when, I refused to tell S about my getting worse condition. Last week, the regulatory and observation period passed and I shall see the effects of the prescribed medication. Somehow, it is doing well...^_^ So, I decided to tell S, at least I felt that S needs to know about this, since before this, it was like hanging there, S don't know the latter conditions. The most important thing is I just don't want to have anymore dependence feeling when I was in pain and getting worse period if I tell S.
On Tuesday, we had dinner in my room. Don't know why that day, I had my dinner in an extremely slow mode. And I clicked here, clicked there on my laptop, listening to songs, just to make up the mood to talk to her. When S asked to have dinner together the day before that, I felt something was "wrong", because S's habit is asking to join dinner on that day itself. I knew S sure will want to talk about that. Ya, I was right, S finished the dinner first then asked me for a talk. Suddenly my room became very quiet. Then S started the conversation, I continued the rest to tell S what happened. I am glad that S felt happy for me and understood my conditions. Somehow, I did feel relieved after telling S. (Another case solved)
Pain is almost gone totally. The swollen still there, so far I know that the swollen may not disappear, it might shrink only. But, just hope for the best... From this incident, we some sorta become better friends, the feeling is fading, because that day I chose to face S to talk about this.
To mention something here, the FYP (Final Year Project), make my life busy in this semester. It somehow make me organize my things better, make me organize my TIME better, make me occupied. I have less time to think too much, and the busyness of life after I started my FYP had slowly switch my dependence feeling away to non-living things. I wish to just throw all those unnecessary feelings to MS to be fragmented and just disappear, and won't want to have the McLafferty rearrangement, if not it will come back after rearranged...(talking craps again...=_=)
My life is better and happier compared to before this. Keep it up!!!
On Tuesday, we had dinner in my room. Don't know why that day, I had my dinner in an extremely slow mode. And I clicked here, clicked there on my laptop, listening to songs, just to make up the mood to talk to her. When S asked to have dinner together the day before that, I felt something was "wrong", because S's habit is asking to join dinner on that day itself. I knew S sure will want to talk about that. Ya, I was right, S finished the dinner first then asked me for a talk. Suddenly my room became very quiet. Then S started the conversation, I continued the rest to tell S what happened. I am glad that S felt happy for me and understood my conditions. Somehow, I did feel relieved after telling S. (Another case solved)
Pain is almost gone totally. The swollen still there, so far I know that the swollen may not disappear, it might shrink only. But, just hope for the best... From this incident, we some sorta become better friends, the feeling is fading, because that day I chose to face S to talk about this.
To mention something here, the FYP (Final Year Project), make my life busy in this semester. It somehow make me organize my things better, make me organize my TIME better, make me occupied. I have less time to think too much, and the busyness of life after I started my FYP had slowly switch my dependence feeling away to non-living things. I wish to just throw all those unnecessary feelings to MS to be fragmented and just disappear, and won't want to have the McLafferty rearrangement, if not it will come back after rearranged...(talking craps again...=_=)
My life is better and happier compared to before this. Keep it up!!!
Friday, July 9, 2010
desperation
再一次，我有想要逃避的念头，不论是对我现在的疲惫的生活或我现在面对的状况。上次说了要勇敢面对S, 但是不知何时，那念头又冒起了。我对单独这词更加地投入，更加地显现它。(什么烂华语? =.=)
好, 那事我暂时不描述，因为我知道我的念头只是一时的冲动。
Well, there is a bigger crisis happened on me recently. I don't know whether is because of the prescribed medication caused me got into this kind of health condition or I already in physically and mentally exhausted, (especially mentally). Fatigue is getting even serious, even I slept and rest a lot, the time I used to sleep and rest is far more than that I used for study purpose. Whenever I wanna concentrate to study, not long after that, I start to feel damn sleepy. What the hack?!
And also in a sudden, some sort of got into "silent fight" with a friend that is recently close with me. She actually doesn't know what is wrong in herself and so called indirectly hurt the friends around her. Ok, frankly to say that, I know I am not perfect, but I can be a good friend, All the while, I know she changed a lot from her bad attitudes and habits, however, there are some haven't and all this while, I have been bearing all those stuffs that hurting... Well, I got hurt, and choose to just kept silence but don't want to bother or talk to her since yesterday. Then she was like realized my actions and responses, and felt weird. She talked to her friends that also close to me in class. But I can guess she couldn't get an answer. She asked me about that yesterday but I refused to talk about that on that time, as it really will spoil my mood for preparing for test.
Ok, I am actually mentally tired...I am not ready for the "debating", can I just leave this case?
好, 那事我暂时不描述，因为我知道我的念头只是一时的冲动。
Well, there is a bigger crisis happened on me recently. I don't know whether is because of the prescribed medication caused me got into this kind of health condition or I already in physically and mentally exhausted, (especially mentally). Fatigue is getting even serious, even I slept and rest a lot, the time I used to sleep and rest is far more than that I used for study purpose. Whenever I wanna concentrate to study, not long after that, I start to feel damn sleepy. What the hack?!
And also in a sudden, some sort of got into "silent fight" with a friend that is recently close with me. She actually doesn't know what is wrong in herself and so called indirectly hurt the friends around her. Ok, frankly to say that, I know I am not perfect, but I can be a good friend, All the while, I know she changed a lot from her bad attitudes and habits, however, there are some haven't and all this while, I have been bearing all those stuffs that hurting... Well, I got hurt, and choose to just kept silence but don't want to bother or talk to her since yesterday. Then she was like realized my actions and responses, and felt weird. She talked to her friends that also close to me in class. But I can guess she couldn't get an answer. She asked me about that yesterday but I refused to talk about that on that time, as it really will spoil my mood for preparing for test.
Ok, I am actually mentally tired...I am not ready for the "debating", can I just leave this case?
Saturday, July 3, 2010
miracles
Miracles did happened! Well, this is an update from the blog post entitled "脆弱的时候". As I did something to really leave up my ass to solve the problem that seriously cannot be delayed anymore, I got the feedback. Situation is getting better, especially my health condition. Some of my friends really did noticed that and felt glad for me too. THANKS, my friends!!! Really thanks a lot to those who always concern about and morally support me, is kinda warmth to me. Is touched...T.T
Now, tears won't be easily fill my time and life. Time, for me, almost not enough to be used, I NEED MOREEE TIME!!! Therefore, where is the extra time for me to think too much and to bear tears? No time, right? I am glad for myself for this. ^^
Indeed, I can feel the happiness in my life, especially recently. Before this almost 10 years back, I don't know and don't understand how to feel the happiness and joyfulness. Until I told all those good news to a friend who appear to be my listener that time, she convinced me that, I can actually celebrate for those good news already, and she is very glad and pleased that she can share a piece of happiness just by listening to me. Wow, is this really a kind of real happiness?
I shall be grateful for this...^.^ Thanks to everyone and the life that give me the real happiness. I will live more happily!!!
Now, tears won't be easily fill my time and life. Time, for me, almost not enough to be used, I NEED MOREEE TIME!!! Therefore, where is the extra time for me to think too much and to bear tears? No time, right? I am glad for myself for this. ^^
Indeed, I can feel the happiness in my life, especially recently. Before this almost 10 years back, I don't know and don't understand how to feel the happiness and joyfulness. Until I told all those good news to a friend who appear to be my listener that time, she convinced me that, I can actually celebrate for those good news already, and she is very glad and pleased that she can share a piece of happiness just by listening to me. Wow, is this really a kind of real happiness?
I shall be grateful for this...^.^ Thanks to everyone and the life that give me the real happiness. I will live more happily!!!
the courage
A "big slap" to myself.
Somehow, a few days ago, don't know where is the courage came from, I felt like telling the feeling of spiritual/emotionally dependence on S to one of S's close friend (let S's close friend is indicated as L at here, L also a friend that is I quite trust on). Am I totally insane? Okay, I already told L about this. And some sorta relieved. Well, the purpose I told this to L is because I felt that, the more I avoid from S, the more I think about S. And I also hope L can some sorta help me (in terms of listening or whatever), so that L also won't feel weird why did I refuse to tell S about my condition, why did I choose to avoid from S and also to reduce the awkwardness in myself.
One classic sentence from L was: You (whom is me) are stupid to avoid from S, and again, the more you avoid from S, the more you will keep on dependent on her. Why don't just let it be? Okay, L told me about L's own story that quite similar to mine and suggested me to think that is just a very close friendship (I didn't say is any love thingy towards S, is just that I scared I have the wrong feeling on S). Is that I am too "protective" and care more about S as I take S as an important person in my life nowadays. Sounds better, right? Somehow, I did felt relieved.
So what now? I shall not avoid from S anymore, but I will try to rely on myself more, find another non-living organism to depend on. As I am now considered very busy, time already fully occupied to be in campus, engrossment occupied my time, at least engrossment restrain me from thinking much about S...will remember that: JUST LET IT BE.
The most important thing is I must have the courage and determination to just let it be.
Somehow, a few days ago, don't know where is the courage came from, I felt like telling the feeling of spiritual/emotionally dependence on S to one of S's close friend (let S's close friend is indicated as L at here, L also a friend that is I quite trust on). Am I totally insane? Okay, I already told L about this. And some sorta relieved. Well, the purpose I told this to L is because I felt that, the more I avoid from S, the more I think about S. And I also hope L can some sorta help me (in terms of listening or whatever), so that L also won't feel weird why did I refuse to tell S about my condition, why did I choose to avoid from S and also to reduce the awkwardness in myself.
One classic sentence from L was: You (whom is me) are stupid to avoid from S, and again, the more you avoid from S, the more you will keep on dependent on her. Why don't just let it be? Okay, L told me about L's own story that quite similar to mine and suggested me to think that is just a very close friendship (I didn't say is any love thingy towards S, is just that I scared I have the wrong feeling on S). Is that I am too "protective" and care more about S as I take S as an important person in my life nowadays. Sounds better, right? Somehow, I did felt relieved.
So what now? I shall not avoid from S anymore, but I will try to rely on myself more, find another non-living organism to depend on. As I am now considered very busy, time already fully occupied to be in campus, engrossment occupied my time, at least engrossment restrain me from thinking much about S...will remember that: JUST LET IT BE.
The most important thing is I must have the courage and determination to just let it be.
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