一厢情愿还是太容易感动?

那时的我，心灵上也许有点脆弱，别人看不出，因为自己硬撑了。遇到一个关心自己的朋友，因为她比较年长的关系，所以突然我想要一个姐姐。也因为她比较年长，也基于一些原因，我就知道她不会陷害我，不会对我假情假意，所以我让她关心。我与她相处也比较开心，舒服。不是说我不让其他朋友关心还是什么的，只是，想说：我受够了，朋友背叛了友情，我有时不太相信身边的朋友，即使他们看起来有多真诚，当然我是不会先对别人假情假意，但若我还是受到无理及无礼的对待，我现在在问自己我是不是在笑里藏刀还是敷衍那些人，有时，我发觉我在这方面还蛮在行的(有点贬义的说)。

与她说话，谈天，真的很舒服。我还记得她曾经说过，想哭的话，找她吧，她可以给我一个怀抱，还说我俩够平，所以没什么距离，可以抱得蛮实的，有点被炸的感觉吧，但感觉还蛮温馨的。我到最后都没找她，因为不要别人看见我哭的样子。

与她谈话时的感觉是与其他朋友谈话时的感觉是截然不同的。也许这样，我容易被她的话语感动，也比较听她的话，虽然一些比较要好的朋友用同一些话来告诉我。

曾经喜欢她，因为她给我的感觉就像一个姐姐在关心她的妹妹一样。但是，这感觉真实吗? 还是她只是履行了身为一位朋友的责任，也许比较亲切而已。

a so called good news

Well, after bearing the pain for long, finally took the damn steroid. I guessed my stubborn on not taking the steroid has made my body almost out of the steroid, therefore, the second day I took the steroid, my mood obviously got better. The pain obviously reduced. Guessed because of the steroid is flushed out of body system for some time, body couldn't recognize and can accept better the steroid. Tolerance limit gone, I guess.

Well, not sure whether the insomnia I experienced is the result of the steroid or not, I had insomnia for few days, not to say not sleeping at all, I slept very little and totally awake during the day. I am now paying the consequences, sleep a lot, often feel hot temper. I can feel that when chatting with friends online. They also asked why I am so frustrated. Sorry, friends, I couldn't help it.

I am not in pain now, the steroid has shown its effect on reducing the pain. Still waiting to see a right doctor for solving the problem. Still searching...

不知名

都不知道从何时开始，心情有点恶劣的说。当然，心情恶劣也不会这么没风度把它放在脸上，也许脸会比较酷而已。

知道在忍痛，却死都不承认，好听来说，说是忍惯了。难听来说，说自己是固执，不肯接受事实，乖乖去吃药；但是要吃的药，杀伤力，后遗症也真多的。最后，还是忍不了，吃药去了，因为如果不吃药，我会被自己给烦死了...被自己要爆发但又忍下来的意念给拉着。

最近只是与比较要好的朋友说出我的感受，我以为我忍得了，我以为我能忍得并把一切感受给收藏起来，可是我不能，也许我不是如大家所说的这么坚强，可以什么都忍着，什么都不说，默默承受。

Sudden emo

I knew that I am having mood change. I knew that I don't feel good. I knew that I feel something is not right.

I just can't find out the reason that time...and finally I realized the root of the mood change...

亲切感

When chatting with HH, I will always feel the closeness and warmth or in chinese we called it as 亲切感, feel like I am having an elder sister who loves me, like a family member.

HH knew my health condition...hmm, HH was the one who asked me this, because I told her about something, then this question popped up. Had no idea why I felt so relieved and warmth after I said those out and I remembered I cried after I typed all that in the chat room.

As time goes by, almost half a year I faced the worsen health condition...All the while I strove, and all the while, my close friends know about this, I got the blessings from God too...although my close friends can't help much, their moral support did gave me strength, apart from God's. I seldom cry, but they lent me their shoulders when I need it...

How great it is if HH is my sister...XP, have been very long since I felt this kind of closeness...hmm...

worsen

Seriously, I hate to think of the title every time when I started to write every post... *zzz* (LOL)

Well, 2 months ago, is all started with I felt the excessive sleepiness although I slept much more earlier than when I was still in student life, next was my voice turned coarse in a sudden and this is NOT caused by heaty (I am pretty sure about this). Not long after that, I felt the pain at the neck part, followed by the hardening of the swollen near the thyroid gland. I knew is happening again...T.T However, I can somehow face it with calmer heart, compared to before, my inner peace is stronger now...no one would actually know that I am in pain as I can bear it quite well (this is something not to be so proud about...=.= -> well, I am just trying to console myself...) I prayed even harder after the pain started. So happened that, I really got stronger inner peace for that. God really blessed and loved me a lot.

Now, whenever I feel pain, I will need, mainly, cope with the physical side effects that brought by the sickness. I admit that, the physical side effects caused problem to my job...is really not a good sign of good worker as you always fall asleep or feel sleepy. Not to say I find excuses (for I always fall asleep after sit and facing laptop for too long), which that is my medical problem, but, this is the TRUTH. So, if possible, I would just keep standing and walk around (the most serious condition I ever encounter was I can even fall asleep while I was standing) or make myself busy, or WISH that I have a lot of things to deal with, so that I won't feel pain and focus on my work. The worsen part...the 6 days-course of medication of prednisolone is no longer effective to make the inflammation and pain totally subside and my appetite suddenly increases (I have no idea whether this is effect of stress or from the prednisolone's). Guess I am immuned to the current dosage? This caused me to bear for the pain for more than a week, the current situation: I bore the pain for at least 2 weeks...T.T , I hope I never hurt people if my emotions did changed. Sorry if I did.

Well, I am finally forced to visit the doctor for this worsen conditions...my close friends already forced me to do so...the ever worst thing is my parents still don't know my current condition...I wonder did they realize my voice has turned coarse... Ah...damn it...I just don't know how to talk to them about this...

恼人

说真的，曾经，一度怀疑自己对你的感觉...虽然，最后的那一次是半年前，而我也摆脱了那差点害惨我的感觉。就在大约一个月前，遇见了你，找到另外一种依靠，当时就快疯了，但仔细想，我似乎把他当成精神支柱，另外一个所谓心灵的代替者，那种精神支柱，至少我那时的情绪，心情得以解脱。

说真，对着你，我知道我的问题，我的情绪一定会好转，因为我把你当成了是神派来的使者，我也知道，我想我知道我是被考验着...

自己，不要再迷惑了...清醒...要清醒...