Review for half of 2013

Well, my friend just reminded me, I have a blog, and I knew I have abandoned it for some time, and I shall update it since I am kinda bored. 

Alright, status right now? 
Physically : heavier, darker, thinner (I hope so), fitter, looked healthier...
Emotionally : become more complicated (you would never know, but I still know myself), stronger in terms of mental power. Someone told me, actually I have a strong mental power, which I never realize it. 

Speaking about mental power, there is a story behind this, and I would say, someone actually triggered my inner thoughts where I think I have very seldom speak it out, as I have no right channel. Sorry to say, many of my friends know I am a non-believer, even though they think I am one, because I attended churches, but I was still struggling, till the year of 2011. i denied the existence of the so called creator, because I don't feel it, and in fact, I don't see proof that IT exists. Very funny to admit that, well, not to say I believe, I was TRYING to believe that the creator is exist, and I tried what my believer friends did, until the year I mentioned, I realized it is JUST a placebo effect, and my mind told me that, it is JUST a calming effect, it DOESN'T SOLVE any problem, from that moment onwards, even though I treasure the friendship, but I just don't believe in the theory of creator anymore. I believe you have to DEAL with that problem, in order to SOLVE it, THINK, using our marvelous brain, for the solutions, not asking for guidance from something or someone that DON'T even exist. Well, I am not seeking agreement, it just appeared that my former secondary school science teacher agreed with me, and supported me for thinking this way. I guess my teacher has her own dramatic past that changed her mind too. (Oh by the way, even though the teacher's age, qualified to be my mum we talk like we are friends.) Facing pain where I have mentioned quite some time ago, I have faced it by my own MENTAL power all the while, I would say, you don't ever judge me with your narrow mind that why am I simply lost my temper or whatsoever. You don't understand, therefore just shut up, you don't understand me, you just pretended that you understand because you are so much elder than me and you want to "save" me from losing myself. Ya, I know you are elder, you have more life experiences, and you are trying to give me advises based on that. I appreciated it, but please give according to norm, NOT by judging people, you have no right to judge me where you don't understand me at all. I believe you have past too but please don't compare yours and mine. Different era, people think differently. I know CERTAIN people call me as self-centered. Well, please define it. 

Pain, the pain...for what I knew, and what doctor said, it is an unknown factor. So, I will just accept this reason meanwhile deal with it, because it caused me side effects for eating medicine that relieve the pain. I know, I need and I have to gain endurance and tolerance limit to pain. Pain won't subside until I eat the damn meds. So I just bear with it, I have my own channel to deal with it, to ignore it. My main goal now is to IGNORE it, where somehow I do wish I have more endorphins...haha, to block the pain signal. I must control myself well enough to not letting myself controlled too much by the change of hormones or mood swings. Well enough to not let those hypocrites get the chance to JUDGE again. But, you know, hormones, you are controlled by them...so, mental power comes in, when you know you are affected by the sudden change of hormone levels, just tell yourself, not to, if can, just direct it to the RIGHT channels. I knew that I have caused some damages, please accept my apology, I am really appreciate it if you tell me so, please don't hide from me that because I may have done some damage without I realize it. 
I am trying to hide my pain from not showing out. I know I can endure it.

***

Oh gosh, I met a lot of hypocrites this year. Well, recently their activity of JUDGING people stop...Good for now.

I met a friend, that I would say a little weird, and unique to me. I roughly can guess the friend's thought. Well, I believe in sincerity maintaining a friendship. This is the friend who actually triggered my inner thoughts, like I have finally found a right channel to raise my questions, even though the friend said...hoping is not influencing. Yup, you are not influencing. 


Talking about my career, well, teaching has been better now. Quite smooth. I got the satisfaction. Sorry to say, the national education system failed. I found no satisfaction from there. I am glad that I have this job, teaching job, different syllabus. From this, I learned new things too. 

I am back!

Want to say sorry to my blog for abandoned it, almost one year. Have been too busy to update it. Many things to share, but no time to share it here. Blog used to be my place to rant my feelings, complains, so called secret, inner feelings, hidden feelings. 

Well, this year, suddenly become a IGCSE Maths teacher. Then during mid year, Biology and Chemistry. Then half way, if not mistaken, principal and my colleague said the students and the parents requested me back to guide them Maths, but I have to let go Biology. (When I shared this news with my friend, she told me her experience during her school time, I suddenly felt I am so 大牌, until principal had to change her instructions to ask me teach Maths, sorry...paiseh betul. Think in another way, does this mean the students agree and like my teaching method?) Continue to guide them Maths, seriously, I tell you, NOT easy, very hard. With that kind of basics, with that kind of sick attitude, how to excel in Maths? You will hear all sorts of excuses, totally pissed you off. Chemistry teaching is okay, after all, this subject is a new thing to them. Certain students kinda "give me face", sit at the first row to listen to me. I felt kinda happy. Sorry to say something that is very distracting, I admit that I am "airport", the student who sits in front of me is physically matured than me, ya, you see nothing wrong here, so, you would "ternampak" the cleavage...I was like...=.= So distracting. I was telling myself, LUCKILY I am not a lesbian, not a guy, if not, how am I continue to teach, facing the student; however, I still try not to stand in front of the student, I felt paiseh...LOL

As an overall, my students can get along with me quite well, can laugh and fooling around with me (of course they pick the right mood of mine that time). Comments to me are mainly I am very  scary, change mood very fast, face looked very fierce. I guess you all know the reason they can get along with me well, because I looked young. Hahaha!!! In fact, no one know my age yet. Of course they cannot know. Chaos later...lol. Sometimes, I guess, because I looked young, and some of the topics still fit in their conversation, so they like to talk and chat with me. 

The best experience is, a student, after knowing the Chemistry, she so scared she failed and said sorry to me, but I happily told her that she passed and got the second highest in class. She thanked me so many times for my good teaching. You know what, that is the best consolation I got, was suffering from the disappointment from the results. Well, now I think I shall get used to this kind of results, there are so many types of people in the world, but with that kind of sick learning attitude, seriously, I couldn't expect too much from them. And one of my students' parent told me that her child gain confidence in Chemistry, which is another achievement to me. 

Well, I guess I shall stop here, about school stuffs. Am continue with other stuffs in another post. 

阴晴不定

Kinda frustrated recently. Hopefully I won't get the reason right for the frustration. I lost my frustration to the room door, especially, and felt very annoyed of what I already felt annoyed to. However, I am kinda patient when I am driving, even more patient, which is surprising myself.

When I feel so frustrated and very emo, is surprising that the person I thought of is not that somebody, but Lord. I prayed. I did felt a little better after talked to Lord "in silence". Therefore I haven't lost my frustration to anyone yet, until got any complaint. However, I felt not very ok...

Well, is not that I am having PMS, and not emotional problem, I just feel annoyed and frustrated in a sudden, without I even can control and at last I noticed that.

Stop the crap, please...

想多了还是其实很复杂?

嗯，因为不愿意面对自己的感觉，又怕想得多会把它想成是真的，所以都没来这里抒发。

最近与他见面，我知道我是不喜欢也不习惯正眼对着别人说话。对着他说话，也是这样，虽然我猜想，也感觉到他对别人，对我说话时是正眼看着我的。我只是有时会与他对望一下，却让我看见让我舒服，让我感到可靠的微笑。嗯，可靠这词好像用得不对，怎么说呢，我想这不能以笔墨来形容吧，这是一种感觉，他的笑容总是能让我不拘谨自己的面孔，笑出来，因为我不怎么爱笑。

会想念那笑容，这代表什么?

我总是很调皮地与他讲话，好笑的是，我们都是用英语，有时掺掺来交谈。他总是会在每说完几句话就笑的，就是喜欢看他那笑容。

我喜欢, 现在其实在想那笑容。

一厢情愿还是太容易感动?

那时的我，心灵上也许有点脆弱，别人看不出，因为自己硬撑了。遇到一个关心自己的朋友，因为她比较年长的关系，所以突然我想要一个姐姐。也因为她比较年长，也基于一些原因，我就知道她不会陷害我，不会对我假情假意，所以我让她关心。我与她相处也比较开心，舒服。不是说我不让其他朋友关心还是什么的，只是，想说：我受够了，朋友背叛了友情，我有时不太相信身边的朋友，即使他们看起来有多真诚，当然我是不会先对别人假情假意，但若我还是受到无理及无礼的对待，我现在在问自己我是不是在笑里藏刀还是敷衍那些人，有时，我发觉我在这方面还蛮在行的(有点贬义的说)。

与她说话，谈天，真的很舒服。我还记得她曾经说过，想哭的话，找她吧，她可以给我一个怀抱，还说我俩够平，所以没什么距离，可以抱得蛮实的，有点被炸的感觉吧，但感觉还蛮温馨的。我到最后都没找她，因为不要别人看见我哭的样子。

与她谈话时的感觉是与其他朋友谈话时的感觉是截然不同的。也许这样，我容易被她的话语感动，也比较听她的话，虽然一些比较要好的朋友用同一些话来告诉我。

曾经喜欢她，因为她给我的感觉就像一个姐姐在关心她的妹妹一样。但是，这感觉真实吗? 还是她只是履行了身为一位朋友的责任，也许比较亲切而已。

a so called good news

Well, after bearing the pain for long, finally took the damn steroid. I guessed my stubborn on not taking the steroid has made my body almost out of the steroid, therefore, the second day I took the steroid, my mood obviously got better. The pain obviously reduced. Guessed because of the steroid is flushed out of body system for some time, body couldn't recognize and can accept better the steroid. Tolerance limit gone, I guess.

Well, not sure whether the insomnia I experienced is the result of the steroid or not, I had insomnia for few days, not to say not sleeping at all, I slept very little and totally awake during the day. I am now paying the consequences, sleep a lot, often feel hot temper. I can feel that when chatting with friends online. They also asked why I am so frustrated. Sorry, friends, I couldn't help it.

I am not in pain now, the steroid has shown its effect on reducing the pain. Still waiting to see a right doctor for solving the problem. Still searching...

不知名

都不知道从何时开始，心情有点恶劣的说。当然，心情恶劣也不会这么没风度把它放在脸上，也许脸会比较酷而已。

知道在忍痛，却死都不承认，好听来说，说是忍惯了。难听来说，说自己是固执，不肯接受事实，乖乖去吃药；但是要吃的药，杀伤力，后遗症也真多的。最后，还是忍不了，吃药去了，因为如果不吃药，我会被自己给烦死了...被自己要爆发但又忍下来的意念给拉着。

最近只是与比较要好的朋友说出我的感受，我以为我忍得了，我以为我能忍得并把一切感受给收藏起来，可是我不能，也许我不是如大家所说的这么坚强，可以什么都忍着，什么都不说，默默承受。