Well, is kinda weird for me today. Dinner with family at the dining table. Normally, either one of the family members not there or I will just avoid from being together. Today, all of us sat together and have dinner. Because three of us (my two brothers and me) wanted to go to watch movie, so we kinda ate quite fast. Although is like that, still feel weird because all of us eat together. Well, many people will say that this is just a normal thing, why should I feel so weird about. This is because, I used to always avoid from being together, as I don't like being asked this and that, being asked on those questions that I don't feel like answer, and most of the time would end with quarrel. Today, was a little rush, so, don't get to talk too.
Now, get to be at home...I somehow scared that, there will be even more quarrels. So, if no need to talk much, I will try not to talk so much...(to be continued)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
a happy day
Well, yesterday was the day, the happiest that I ever experienced after stay so long in Kampar, the feelings and the warmth atmosphere with friends. I guess, I am the last one to leave Kampar among my classmates, as I need to send my thesis to be hard bounded, and at the same time, I need some space and peace mind to do some thinking here about my future plan, and things to settle in campus. Although is a little bored, but my friend, H still here and S too. That time, I feel it would be nice because this two good friends are here. S also needs to send her thesis to be hard bounded, therefore, stays in Kampar too.
Needed to send something to H, so, I went to H's house with S. Then we talked and laughed for more than an hour outside the house...LOL. That time, what I can say is, the happy feeling and the warmth, I feel the nice and happy feelings when talking with them, seriously, I never feel that happy before; not to say that I don't feel happy with other friends, happy feelings also can be divided into different levels. Maybe our age difference is not big, so, we can talk and laugh like nobody's business. I remembered H told me that, if my birthday is near, she will organize a make-over party for me to change me into a more girlish GIRL for a day...H mentioned that again yesterday, and both H and S were like challenging me...lol, I was like laughing and said that if both of you remember and daring, but need to wait until next year...LOL. Guess what, I felt warmth for this. Then H talked about her experience about her and her "kaki" organized a party for her friend who is actually pretty but likes to wear boyish clothes. Then everything was so funny until we LMAO. One thing that was very FUNNY is, she said that the birthday star's feedback on the birthday present was: 谢谢你们"强暴"了我...OMG, it was so so FUNNY, not only that H's tone was funny when saying this, and also H's facial expression, laughed like hell that time, the three of us. I enjoyed the moment very much, because I don't get to laugh like that, even though with the friends that I think is very close.
Although is just a short chat (maybe some of you think is long), but seriously to say, I felt very happy. I posted on Facebook, saying that 似乎好久没这么开心过了，谢谢你们两位朋友, actually referred to both of them, and I guess they knew what I meant, because they "Like" my status on Facebook, this happy feeling, is hard to express by words as described in chinese saying "非笔墨所能形容", but I would never forget this. I guess the most probable explanation is I like this two friends, and I appreciated their help on me.
Needed to send something to H, so, I went to H's house with S. Then we talked and laughed for more than an hour outside the house...LOL. That time, what I can say is, the happy feeling and the warmth, I feel the nice and happy feelings when talking with them, seriously, I never feel that happy before; not to say that I don't feel happy with other friends, happy feelings also can be divided into different levels. Maybe our age difference is not big, so, we can talk and laugh like nobody's business. I remembered H told me that, if my birthday is near, she will organize a make-over party for me to change me into a more girlish GIRL for a day...H mentioned that again yesterday, and both H and S were like challenging me...lol, I was like laughing and said that if both of you remember and daring, but need to wait until next year...LOL. Guess what, I felt warmth for this. Then H talked about her experience about her and her "kaki" organized a party for her friend who is actually pretty but likes to wear boyish clothes. Then everything was so funny until we LMAO. One thing that was very FUNNY is, she said that the birthday star's feedback on the birthday present was: 谢谢你们"强暴"了我...OMG, it was so so FUNNY, not only that H's tone was funny when saying this, and also H's facial expression, laughed like hell that time, the three of us. I enjoyed the moment very much, because I don't get to laugh like that, even though with the friends that I think is very close.
Although is just a short chat (maybe some of you think is long), but seriously to say, I felt very happy. I posted on Facebook, saying that 似乎好久没这么开心过了，谢谢你们两位朋友, actually referred to both of them, and I guess they knew what I meant, because they "Like" my status on Facebook, this happy feeling, is hard to express by words as described in chinese saying "非笔墨所能形容", but I would never forget this. I guess the most probable explanation is I like this two friends, and I appreciated their help on me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
pour out
I slept at around 0430 this morning. Yes, 0430, you see the right time, and I woke up around 0930, without the aid of alarm clock.
Why I slept that late...I poured out to a friend, and in a coincidence, I was insomnia that time. I couldn't sleep at all. Some problems bother me for long, and I guess I chose to ignore and avoid rather than facing it. I am sucks in the relationship with parents, we can't communicate well. Due to the quarrels for my health condition, I hid from them and avoid from talking about this issue until now. I need time to sit down and think with peaceful mind. When I talked to H, I don't know why, I feel like I annoyed her so I ended the conversation, I really feel like I annoyed her and bothered her too much on my so called personal problems. Then chatted with another friend, whom I know I can trust to, talked until I cried, but because of just typing it out, I can't release my real feeling. Then with an urge (not from myself, is like SOMEONE urged me), I talked to another friend, who is S that I mentioned in previous posts. I can't recall how long we talked, but I talked until I cried, maybe this is the main urge, cry. I thought that I can handle this alone, I thought that I can avoid this for long even though feel like ignoring that first. The past experience somehow stopped me from step forward to solve the underlying problem.
I cried a lot when poured all out to S. Then we talked a lot too. First time ever cried in front of a friend, normally I cry when I am alone. However, as usual, I avoided the eye-contact, when i poured and cried, my face was facing the door or wall. I knew S understood that. It was a long and deep talk. I appreciated the moment, it made me relieved. And thanks to H for being supportive, even though S said that H won't mind all these. Ya, I think I can agree with S that, if H ever feels annoyed, she won't chat with me for so long. That night, I had a better sleep, a deeper sleep, even though I didn't sleep much. Seriously, I really feel thankful to God and them who be with me at that moment. I felt a sudden relief at that moment.
On the other hand, the dyspnea condition is getting worse. It happened even more often, until I almost call for help to go to the hospital, well, why would I said that I "almost call"? It is like, I feel like I don't trust those doctors or nurses, and I don't feel like cause trouble or burden to the people that care for me a lot. I will feel sorry if I cause them to worry on me. I bear it until very hard. My chest was so tight, dizzy and I hardly breath well. Sometimes, I even get shocked and woke up in a sudden, during afternoon nap. I tried very best to make myself looked alright, and I can guess people will be asking, what for?! Well, those are my reasons: I don't wish to see friends that care of me worry about me, I don't wish to let them see me in such a not fine condition that time. Really hope that this condition won't persist long, seriously, I really scared...
Why I slept that late...I poured out to a friend, and in a coincidence, I was insomnia that time. I couldn't sleep at all. Some problems bother me for long, and I guess I chose to ignore and avoid rather than facing it. I am sucks in the relationship with parents, we can't communicate well. Due to the quarrels for my health condition, I hid from them and avoid from talking about this issue until now. I need time to sit down and think with peaceful mind. When I talked to H, I don't know why, I feel like I annoyed her so I ended the conversation, I really feel like I annoyed her and bothered her too much on my so called personal problems. Then chatted with another friend, whom I know I can trust to, talked until I cried, but because of just typing it out, I can't release my real feeling. Then with an urge (not from myself, is like SOMEONE urged me), I talked to another friend, who is S that I mentioned in previous posts. I can't recall how long we talked, but I talked until I cried, maybe this is the main urge, cry. I thought that I can handle this alone, I thought that I can avoid this for long even though feel like ignoring that first. The past experience somehow stopped me from step forward to solve the underlying problem.
I cried a lot when poured all out to S. Then we talked a lot too. First time ever cried in front of a friend, normally I cry when I am alone. However, as usual, I avoided the eye-contact, when i poured and cried, my face was facing the door or wall. I knew S understood that. It was a long and deep talk. I appreciated the moment, it made me relieved. And thanks to H for being supportive, even though S said that H won't mind all these. Ya, I think I can agree with S that, if H ever feels annoyed, she won't chat with me for so long. That night, I had a better sleep, a deeper sleep, even though I didn't sleep much. Seriously, I really feel thankful to God and them who be with me at that moment. I felt a sudden relief at that moment.
On the other hand, the dyspnea condition is getting worse. It happened even more often, until I almost call for help to go to the hospital, well, why would I said that I "almost call"? It is like, I feel like I don't trust those doctors or nurses, and I don't feel like cause trouble or burden to the people that care for me a lot. I will feel sorry if I cause them to worry on me. I bear it until very hard. My chest was so tight, dizzy and I hardly breath well. Sometimes, I even get shocked and woke up in a sudden, during afternoon nap. I tried very best to make myself looked alright, and I can guess people will be asking, what for?! Well, those are my reasons: I don't wish to see friends that care of me worry about me, I don't wish to let them see me in such a not fine condition that time. Really hope that this condition won't persist long, seriously, I really scared...
Monday, May 16, 2011
During the FINAL exam
I guess everyone would have the same response in going through exam period: study, of course...what else that you can do? Well, my focus is not this, of course, I need to study, study hard indeed, but many things happened in between and I strove to get through it and I am glad that God and friends were there to support me morally and mentally.
Strove very hard during the exam period, the weather started to become very hot, it made my room like an oven, a natural sauna for almost 24/7, and it made me felt like I wanna move into the fridge to study instead...lol. My health condition, hyperthyroidism that caused my body temperature slightly high, well not to say high, but easily get very hot easily, the indicator is my palms are HOT, not cool or warm. Besides, the body got very hot, as though I am having fever, fine, all these I can tolerate with it, because I am used to it, just that the increased level made me a little impatient. For studies sake, I bear with it. Next as the second side effect, headache and dizziness came to strike me in a sudden and often, not because study too hard, is that the side effects of consumption of prednisolone finally showed its side effects and those tortured me a lot. Headache and dizziness when doing revision is a torture. I prayed to God that, I need a clear and peace mind to study and let the facts adsorbed to my brain cells, and of course not letting the headache and dizziness screwed up the exam. And guess what, the headache and dizziness didn't show up at the time I was sitting for exam until I finished the paper on that particular day. Third paper, also the second last paper was in 3 days time, the next day after the second paper, because of headache, sudden great pain on the neck, exactly at the thyroid glands part, I lied on bed to rest, I had no idea whether I fainted or I fall asleep, I only knew that, it was a nightmare for me that moment, woke up with no pain, however, sweat like hell (seems one of the side effects too) and the headache still stroke me a little. I told my friend...which until now, I thought that I shall not tell that out...but H knew this, as I saw her online that time, H is the one I wished to talk that time, I had no idea why. That was the worst nightmare that I ever had.
Next, during exam period, high cortisol level is normal, and it increases appetite, too, but the effect was doubled on me because of my health condition. That was the first side effect: increased appetite as a result of prednisolone. Third side effect: short of breath, I know hyperthyroidism will cause difficulty in breathing and short of breath, but it came too often. Fourth side effect, it messed up my menstrual cycle. It came much more earlier than it should be. I guess this was not that serious, because menstrual cycle can be messed up by stress too. Fifth, insomnia, for some people, they would be happy because they can keep on study, but brain is left no rest, can cause severe fatigue and reduced productivity. I had been insomnia for a few days. Damn it!!! I guess I am lazy to describe the other side effects because was not significant enough to affect me.
Every night before I slept, I prayed to the God that, no matter how bad the side effects were, I just wish to have a peace mind, and wish that the side effects won't screw up my exam, I wish to overcome it with calm heart and mind. I went through all these smoothly. Thank God and to my friends who were there to support me. I guessed I didn't cry much during that period because I knew that I was being tested and challenged my patience, and thank God that my mood doesn't being affected, if not, the condition would get worse, even without all those side effects.
After the exam, I thought the pain will come back to strike at me even harder, well, it DOES NOT. I guess He heard my prayer that I do not wish to take prednisolone anymore? I admitted that prednisolone did helped me relieve the pain, but I couldn't deny it would bring destruction too. Seriously to say that, I had no idea and I forgotten how I gone through that tough period, but I am proud to myself and praise the Lord for all these.
Strove very hard during the exam period, the weather started to become very hot, it made my room like an oven, a natural sauna for almost 24/7, and it made me felt like I wanna move into the fridge to study instead...lol. My health condition, hyperthyroidism that caused my body temperature slightly high, well not to say high, but easily get very hot easily, the indicator is my palms are HOT, not cool or warm. Besides, the body got very hot, as though I am having fever, fine, all these I can tolerate with it, because I am used to it, just that the increased level made me a little impatient. For studies sake, I bear with it. Next as the second side effect, headache and dizziness came to strike me in a sudden and often, not because study too hard, is that the side effects of consumption of prednisolone finally showed its side effects and those tortured me a lot. Headache and dizziness when doing revision is a torture. I prayed to God that, I need a clear and peace mind to study and let the facts adsorbed to my brain cells, and of course not letting the headache and dizziness screwed up the exam. And guess what, the headache and dizziness didn't show up at the time I was sitting for exam until I finished the paper on that particular day. Third paper, also the second last paper was in 3 days time, the next day after the second paper, because of headache, sudden great pain on the neck, exactly at the thyroid glands part, I lied on bed to rest, I had no idea whether I fainted or I fall asleep, I only knew that, it was a nightmare for me that moment, woke up with no pain, however, sweat like hell (seems one of the side effects too) and the headache still stroke me a little. I told my friend...which until now, I thought that I shall not tell that out...but H knew this, as I saw her online that time, H is the one I wished to talk that time, I had no idea why. That was the worst nightmare that I ever had.
Next, during exam period, high cortisol level is normal, and it increases appetite, too, but the effect was doubled on me because of my health condition. That was the first side effect: increased appetite as a result of prednisolone. Third side effect: short of breath, I know hyperthyroidism will cause difficulty in breathing and short of breath, but it came too often. Fourth side effect, it messed up my menstrual cycle. It came much more earlier than it should be. I guess this was not that serious, because menstrual cycle can be messed up by stress too. Fifth, insomnia, for some people, they would be happy because they can keep on study, but brain is left no rest, can cause severe fatigue and reduced productivity. I had been insomnia for a few days. Damn it!!! I guess I am lazy to describe the other side effects because was not significant enough to affect me.
Every night before I slept, I prayed to the God that, no matter how bad the side effects were, I just wish to have a peace mind, and wish that the side effects won't screw up my exam, I wish to overcome it with calm heart and mind. I went through all these smoothly. Thank God and to my friends who were there to support me. I guessed I didn't cry much during that period because I knew that I was being tested and challenged my patience, and thank God that my mood doesn't being affected, if not, the condition would get worse, even without all those side effects.
After the exam, I thought the pain will come back to strike at me even harder, well, it DOES NOT. I guess He heard my prayer that I do not wish to take prednisolone anymore? I admitted that prednisolone did helped me relieve the pain, but I couldn't deny it would bring destruction too. Seriously to say that, I had no idea and I forgotten how I gone through that tough period, but I am proud to myself and praise the Lord for all these.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
End of my Degree in Uni life
Well, 11:00am of 11/5/2011, Wednesday, that's the end of my FINAL semester examination and also the end of my Degree life. However, no one actually shout out or very excited. Why? I guess was due to the last 2 papers that actually almost "killed" all of us. Seriously, when I read the first question, it almost made my heart sunken. I was so scared that I thought I couldn't remember at all. However, I managed to cool and calm myself down, and tried to recall as hard as I can.
Here, I would want to thank a person that meant a lot to me during this semester, let the person as H (is a she). Well, she is my lecturer, and is a very YOUNG lecturer. Just since don't know when, I get quite close and good with H, and ya, we are friends too, other than lecturer-student relationship. Is all began with H has clicked "Like" and commented on one of the photo of "Bible study" album on Facebook. Then I was surprised and from that moment, we started to chat and get on well. H leaded me to express my problems, my difficulties, from the way H talked to me, I know He has sent someone that can actually share my problems and my feelings. I told H that I know I couldn't disturb and add on burdens on my friends that are having exams even though they said they are fine with that, I just know I couldn't, so H offered to be my listener. H had made some mind maps that helped us to understand well and focused on the part that we shall emphasize in. H somehow inspired me in doing mind maps for the last 2 subjects, where the notes organization is actually quite a mess, because I somehow complained that the notes are really a mess and is THICK. H said, why not just do the mind maps, it can help you to remember better, and H said that the mind maps helped a lot to get through her whole Degree life. H shared that her Masters' degree is research-based. H enjoyed a lot and mastered good techniques, this somehow like inspired me, A LOT. I actually did mind maps, and guess what, they really helped me a lot. I can remember that the answers for the questions in final exam paper is in the mind maps. I felt and experienced the benefits of mind maps, because previously, I do not trust on mind maps and mind maps are a waste of time. However, this is the first time and last time for me to experience its power...a big thanks and appreciation to H again.
A big challenge for studying for the exam in this semester, where, the weather is killing people, especially it is worse on me which I have hyperthyroidism (my metabolic rate very high, I always feel hot, and this weather worsen the symptoms that I was facing), and certain medication which side effects showed up one by one, BIG BIG CHALLENGES to me. I prayed to God and I am glad that H supported me morally. The biggest help that H ever done, maybe to some people, it is like nothing, but it meant a lot to me, on Monday, after the Plant Biochemistry paper, and of course is time for me to revise for Toxicology paper, my very last paper for my Degree. I asked H for permission to study in her house, as I know her house is actually much more cooler than my room. H agreed. When I went there, was almost 11:30pm, H let me to stay overnight at her house, and even asked me to go sleep in her room, but I rejected...lol, don't ask me why. I remembered we chatted a while, H was marking thesis and I was studying the last 2 chapters for the first round for Toxicology. The environment in her house is just nice and I managed to complete the first round of revision, and the facts is adsorbed better to my brain cells. This help is so so precious to me. I couldn't express more, conclusion is a BIG thanks to H. I really appreciate it. In fact, I was so touched that time. If not, I will get cooked in my own room. You can imagine that horrible weather and the productivity of revision is MUCH reduced. Without her help, I couldn't have completed my second round of revision.
I got back my marked thesis. I don't know what is the grade for my project, could I just assume that my work is appreciated and is well done?! Well, I guess everyone will think like that too. I thanked her by face for inspiration of the mind maps. Then I told her that I will bring something for her.
After I back from hometown yesterday, I was emo, in a sudden, as promised, I brought some nice food from hometown and I talked with H for almost 3 hours. Besides that, we also talked about other issues, anything that we can talk about. I was surprised that H actually talked to me about some issues that other people shouldn't have know. I appreciate the trust. You know what, everything was just a relief, I felt a lot better after talked with H. It worked every time. I also know He also did the favour to me. Thank God.
Just now, gathering with a friend, actually was a bit disappointed that the others that I really care of (juniors but also my friends) can't join. However, am glad that the friend that joined me for dinner, we always care for each other, and I know the friend is a person that is inner-directed than most of the friends. The friend said that the others agreed for this gathering but just...well, a bit "speechless" and disappointed. What I want is just a gathering, nothing much. Is not to say that I wish for return for what I did, or is it bad to ask for at least a little bit appreciation? Well, whatever. People who knows me, will know what I am trying to explain here.
I am glad that I met a lot of friends and nice though, I am glad that they came into my life, enlighten and cherished my Uni life. I will always remember this 3 years that brought a lot of memories to me.
Here, I would want to thank a person that meant a lot to me during this semester, let the person as H (is a she). Well, she is my lecturer, and is a very YOUNG lecturer. Just since don't know when, I get quite close and good with H, and ya, we are friends too, other than lecturer-student relationship. Is all began with H has clicked "Like" and commented on one of the photo of "Bible study" album on Facebook. Then I was surprised and from that moment, we started to chat and get on well. H leaded me to express my problems, my difficulties, from the way H talked to me, I know He has sent someone that can actually share my problems and my feelings. I told H that I know I couldn't disturb and add on burdens on my friends that are having exams even though they said they are fine with that, I just know I couldn't, so H offered to be my listener. H had made some mind maps that helped us to understand well and focused on the part that we shall emphasize in. H somehow inspired me in doing mind maps for the last 2 subjects, where the notes organization is actually quite a mess, because I somehow complained that the notes are really a mess and is THICK. H said, why not just do the mind maps, it can help you to remember better, and H said that the mind maps helped a lot to get through her whole Degree life. H shared that her Masters' degree is research-based. H enjoyed a lot and mastered good techniques, this somehow like inspired me, A LOT. I actually did mind maps, and guess what, they really helped me a lot. I can remember that the answers for the questions in final exam paper is in the mind maps. I felt and experienced the benefits of mind maps, because previously, I do not trust on mind maps and mind maps are a waste of time. However, this is the first time and last time for me to experience its power...a big thanks and appreciation to H again.
A big challenge for studying for the exam in this semester, where, the weather is killing people, especially it is worse on me which I have hyperthyroidism (my metabolic rate very high, I always feel hot, and this weather worsen the symptoms that I was facing), and certain medication which side effects showed up one by one, BIG BIG CHALLENGES to me. I prayed to God and I am glad that H supported me morally. The biggest help that H ever done, maybe to some people, it is like nothing, but it meant a lot to me, on Monday, after the Plant Biochemistry paper, and of course is time for me to revise for Toxicology paper, my very last paper for my Degree. I asked H for permission to study in her house, as I know her house is actually much more cooler than my room. H agreed. When I went there, was almost 11:30pm, H let me to stay overnight at her house, and even asked me to go sleep in her room, but I rejected...lol, don't ask me why. I remembered we chatted a while, H was marking thesis and I was studying the last 2 chapters for the first round for Toxicology. The environment in her house is just nice and I managed to complete the first round of revision, and the facts is adsorbed better to my brain cells. This help is so so precious to me. I couldn't express more, conclusion is a BIG thanks to H. I really appreciate it. In fact, I was so touched that time. If not, I will get cooked in my own room. You can imagine that horrible weather and the productivity of revision is MUCH reduced. Without her help, I couldn't have completed my second round of revision.
I got back my marked thesis. I don't know what is the grade for my project, could I just assume that my work is appreciated and is well done?! Well, I guess everyone will think like that too. I thanked her by face for inspiration of the mind maps. Then I told her that I will bring something for her.
After I back from hometown yesterday, I was emo, in a sudden, as promised, I brought some nice food from hometown and I talked with H for almost 3 hours. Besides that, we also talked about other issues, anything that we can talk about. I was surprised that H actually talked to me about some issues that other people shouldn't have know. I appreciate the trust. You know what, everything was just a relief, I felt a lot better after talked with H. It worked every time. I also know He also did the favour to me. Thank God.
Just now, gathering with a friend, actually was a bit disappointed that the others that I really care of (juniors but also my friends) can't join. However, am glad that the friend that joined me for dinner, we always care for each other, and I know the friend is a person that is inner-directed than most of the friends. The friend said that the others agreed for this gathering but just...well, a bit "speechless" and disappointed. What I want is just a gathering, nothing much. Is not to say that I wish for return for what I did, or is it bad to ask for at least a little bit appreciation? Well, whatever. People who knows me, will know what I am trying to explain here.
I am glad that I met a lot of friends and nice though, I am glad that they came into my life, enlighten and cherished my Uni life. I will always remember this 3 years that brought a lot of memories to me.
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