I think this is the first time I studied until my tears gonna roll out. Before this, ya, I did studied until I feel like wanna cry, is I FEEL LIKE WANNA CRY, but end up I bear with it. Now? I really study until cry...what's wrong?! I thought I am relax enough because my plans are going on as what I expected. I actually realized that myself really very stress although I did according what I planned because I am holding my fist until pain...==||| Realized that I have my own weakness which is low memorizing power. I am trying my best to fight to resolve it to immerse into my notes... Ok, I promise myself, if I can't bear with the tears, I just hide myself to my blanket, I need to calm myself down, no point sitting there facing my notes and cry. Change place to cry maybe will let me think clearer and calm down faster. Maybe is a kind of avoiding, running away from problems, but I think this is the best method that I know...
Some of the time, when I was studying, I am actually realized that I sighed a lot. Well, is when I was studying during the teaching week. Is nice that I found some bookmarks (I am kinda frustrated, so I clear part of my table), saw one bookmark written there 叹气是最浪费时间的事. Ya, right. I SHALL NOT sigh too much. Sometimes need to sigh too (here metaphorically said that my lung capacity is not strong enough-->indeed-->I am not talking craps).
Well, I am glad that I can actually focus more. Feel peace...^^
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
peace and pain
Well, this title sounds contradictory. Lets see what am I going to talk.
Peace...it is because I know I done something right, that something made me feel that I won't be regret for ending it. I felt everything seems so quiet and no struggle in my heart, no more any struggle for whether trying to mend, or leave it or end it. In certain circumstances that MAYBE C's act is "needed", however, is NOT among us as all the while being C's friends. Is just hurting.
Another peace, is that I have not really think about S. All this while, since I said I want to let it be, at the same time, I was trying everything that I like to replace that kind of dependence feeling. Now, the feeling is almost gone, because I think I won't be depend on others anymore in terms of my emptiness of soul. So, if ask me whether am I willing to let it go? My answer will be, I am willing to do so. I don't want "anything" happen because I am trying to indulge and unrestrained. (Haha, I am just joking for the indulge and unrestrained, I will only do this when I am under great stress, but at the same time I am denying about the shooting up of stress level) Yes, I don't want any changes in the dependence feeling, because this kind of feeling is just a slight difference, in chinese sayings we called it as 一线之差...
Pain, ya, is the on and off health condition. Ya, I know it shouldn't be that pain and or it shouldn't be pain anymore? I am, all the while struggle with it, bearing the pain, but it just a little unbearable sometimes until I am kinda frustrated (when the pain is some sorta coming back, not that serious compared to the time when it was undiagnosed). This happened for some time, my friends always told me that if I am in pain or any feeling unwell, must tell them. Ok, I hide it from everyone. I mean, how am I going to start this kind of topic with my friends that always concern about me? Just start it by saying: I am in pain? Oh, come on, to meet people with this pain condition (I think my face will be quite "cool" and a little pale) also I am not wishing to, how am I going to tell them such issue? I can't even help myself when I am in pain. If I tell others, I might just cause people in trouble by make them worry about me. So, I better keep to myself. So pain, please DON'T persist. If You are trying to test my patience or giving me this kind of challenge, well, I am willing to receive this challenge. So, if You are giving me this challenge, so just consider that I am some sorta complaining a little here...Don't worry, I will fight to resolve the challenge!
Peace...it is because I know I done something right, that something made me feel that I won't be regret for ending it. I felt everything seems so quiet and no struggle in my heart, no more any struggle for whether trying to mend, or leave it or end it. In certain circumstances that MAYBE C's act is "needed", however, is NOT among us as all the while being C's friends. Is just hurting.
Another peace, is that I have not really think about S. All this while, since I said I want to let it be, at the same time, I was trying everything that I like to replace that kind of dependence feeling. Now, the feeling is almost gone, because I think I won't be depend on others anymore in terms of my emptiness of soul. So, if ask me whether am I willing to let it go? My answer will be, I am willing to do so. I don't want "anything" happen because I am trying to indulge and unrestrained. (Haha, I am just joking for the indulge and unrestrained, I will only do this when I am under great stress, but at the same time I am denying about the shooting up of stress level) Yes, I don't want any changes in the dependence feeling, because this kind of feeling is just a slight difference, in chinese sayings we called it as 一线之差...
Pain, ya, is the on and off health condition. Ya, I know it shouldn't be that pain and or it shouldn't be pain anymore? I am, all the while struggle with it, bearing the pain, but it just a little unbearable sometimes until I am kinda frustrated (when the pain is some sorta coming back, not that serious compared to the time when it was undiagnosed). This happened for some time, my friends always told me that if I am in pain or any feeling unwell, must tell them. Ok, I hide it from everyone. I mean, how am I going to start this kind of topic with my friends that always concern about me? Just start it by saying: I am in pain? Oh, come on, to meet people with this pain condition (I think my face will be quite "cool" and a little pale) also I am not wishing to, how am I going to tell them such issue? I can't even help myself when I am in pain. If I tell others, I might just cause people in trouble by make them worry about me. So, I better keep to myself. So pain, please DON'T persist. If You are trying to test my patience or giving me this kind of challenge, well, I am willing to receive this challenge. So, if You are giving me this challenge, so just consider that I am some sorta complaining a little here...Don't worry, I will fight to resolve the challenge!
Monday, September 6, 2010
mess
I have been write and erase what I have written, write and erase, again and again...Just because I have no idea on how to start to write this post.
Now, I think I am in a mess. With the reason that I also don't know (or I just don't want to admit, but it just happened to be, it is telling me that: is time to release yourself, for whatever it is? No more suppressing my own feeling?), I feel like crying.
Lets analyze: 1. Pressure from studies? (who doesn't have?!); this sounds not really the reason...or maybe yes, because I think I feel the pressure, or I already immunized or numb to the pressure? 2. The on and off health condition after undergoing the treatment. 3. The so called fading feeling that I always say to myself? Well, of course, is fading or not, only I know it very well. Seriously, I really don't want to admit anything here...just, I scared...ok, temporarily just forget about this issue, like what I am doing now.
Ok, just a little mood swing, I think...I hope is just mood swing...
Now, I think I am in a mess. With the reason that I also don't know (or I just don't want to admit, but it just happened to be, it is telling me that: is time to release yourself, for whatever it is? No more suppressing my own feeling?), I feel like crying.
Lets analyze: 1. Pressure from studies? (who doesn't have?!); this sounds not really the reason...or maybe yes, because I think I feel the pressure, or I already immunized or numb to the pressure? 2. The on and off health condition after undergoing the treatment. 3. The so called fading feeling that I always say to myself? Well, of course, is fading or not, only I know it very well. Seriously, I really don't want to admit anything here...just, I scared...ok, temporarily just forget about this issue, like what I am doing now.
Ok, just a little mood swing, I think...I hope is just mood swing...
whatever
我的华语，曾经还算是顶呱呱的；自从用英文来写部落格之后，我很少用华语来表达自己了，变得好像钝了，词穷了...遗憾...
最近的我
好像把自己弄得很可悲似的
或许我真的很可悲
明明就是不妥
明明我是该给该有的反应
我就是什么都没做
少了那个所谓该有的反应
气氛就是这么怪
看不到，数不清的惆怅
心情有点忧郁得好像有点一发不可收拾
不能继续这样了
不管怎样
要抹掉不愉快的过去
惨，怎么我觉得我写的，连我自己都觉得很差劲? 唉，算了，我想，暂时，我想表达的，就是这有点破破碎碎的心情...
最近的我
好像把自己弄得很可悲似的
或许我真的很可悲
明明就是不妥
明明我是该给该有的反应
我就是什么都没做
少了那个所谓该有的反应
气氛就是这么怪
看不到，数不清的惆怅
心情有点忧郁得好像有点一发不可收拾
不能继续这样了
不管怎样
要抹掉不愉快的过去
惨，怎么我觉得我写的，连我自己都觉得很差劲? 唉，算了，我想，暂时，我想表达的，就是这有点破破碎碎的心情...
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