脆弱的时候

Seriously, since last week, everything is not going right, especially my health condition. I hope is not my 心理作用. Then I was thinking, those conditions I faced are affecting and causing consequences to me, is it still considered 心理作用?

I know I shall be STRONG. But also the time my soul becomes weak. I realized that I am even more rely on someone. And yet the person doesn't know my conditions. Well, I know there will be some doubts from the readers on the reason I do so. The someone is the one I was mentioning in the previous posts. I don't want to tell S is because I don't want to increase my reliability to S, especially now my soul is weak. Instead, I wish to be stronger than before, I wish to be independent in facing myself. I NEED to do it!!!

When I am alone, I am more keen to wanna cry. I feel easier to have tears, but of course haven't cry out. I isolate myself even often to avoid chaos and to avoid causing trouble to anyone. If I am with other people, I will just bear my conditions (if I am under the attack of the conditions). Am I considered stupid or stubborn?

Now, I tend to sleep more, to grab more time to sleep and rest while I still have the time, while I am still not fully occupied yet with stuffs. The worst thing is that the studies is affected by the health condition. I can't fully concentrate or sometimes cannot concentrate at all.

I really hope miracles somehow happens...

my biggest weakness

After get into university or I shall say all this while, I only realized my biggest weakness is dumb in dealing with feelings thingy, or relationship thingy. That's why I hate to be in relationship or has any weird feeling towards anybody, no matter is guy or girl. Then slowly, it transformed and made me not interested to be in relationship.

Twice in almost one and a half year. Dealing with those unsure feelings is making me insecure and making me in dilemma. I felt helpless when deal with those problems. I can only choose to talk to my good friend, and one or two who is I trust more in my study life. Thanks to them who help me by listening to me. Of course, those are only opinions, I need to solve on my own. Is all about my determination to get rid of them again.



Thought that I am independent enough, thought that my soul is strong enough, I thought I can depend on my own all the time. Recently, I don't know what's wrong with me, I felt like just rely on someone, I felt like crying as much as I can (oh gosh, I feel like crying now...T.T) Wanna just stay in my room, wanna just be alone, wanna to be just be quiet in my room, to think, to hug on my own, don't want to do anything; just to be ALONE and ON MY OWN. Facing my own body condition, my feelings, my emotionally disturbance, suddenly I feel helpless. Suddenly I become a coward, I am not as strong and brave-hearted to face those things like previously. Hope this is just a stage in short time, hope I can recover from that. Feeling helpless and in dilemma for so long time is so not like me, because of this, I was getting frustrated, irritated and mood swing (of course by other reasons too). Trying to be as normal in front of my friends. I am desperate sometimes, I want to cry but bearing all the time, even I am alone.

I feel like crying now...T.T

neverending arises

As I said in the semester break, I felt spiritual emptiness. And I said I can meet S again in my new semester. During the last 3 days of semester break, maybe I was enjoying for the trip in Penang, so I didn't feel that strong feeling of spiritual emptiness towards S. However, on Sunday, which is the end of my trip, got some sort of weird feeling arises. Before that, I actually thought that I lost that kind of dependence as I didn't feel like missing S.

These few days, met quite often with S. The feeling was arising again...I hate this feeling very much. Not to say purposely go and meet S (I am trying not to meet S without purpose), is actually bumped into it (with certain reason and purpose related), at least I need to make sure myself remain normal (for not to have spiritual dependence too much towards S) and rational for now.

Seriously, I still not sure that whether that feeling still present or not. I don't really dare to think and figure about it.

I had mood swing, impatience, great frustration yesterday. Then I wrote on the Facebook. I was actually touched when S concerned about that. (Craps, I must get rid of feel such feelings and write all those things on Facebook...maybe would make some people worry about me, sorry...I was trying to find a way to express my feelings that time, who knows I cause people worry about me). I don't know whether my condition improved or not, although S accompanied me to chat. Thanks to S for bearing my frustrated look (trying my best not to vent out that time), and not ignoring me, and willingly to help to relieve my frustration and bad mood although I didn't ask to.

Oh craps, am I in some kind of trouble now?!