One month just passed as holiday. Another 2 months for holiday. Gonna be jobless starting from next Thursday. Zzz...
What has happened in this one month? Besides 处理 my dilemma. I thought I really let it go totally, but seriously haven't really totally. Still a little bit and it really bothers me sometimes. Time heals, so I just wait the time to bring my dilemma away and also I will give on effort to myself to let go of it. I want to be FREE from this.
I also waited for results. Finally I got it, informed by my friend through handset when I was still at school. I was so nervous that time. Luckily I had no more classes after I received the call. If not, I really scared I can't pay attention in teaching. Overall, still ok, although not what I wanted, results was still ok, not dropped to the very unexpected.
Teaching again...sometimes very free, sometimes very busy. Sometimes, I scolded every time I entered class. Of course I don't wish to scold, but then those students really 欠骂...won't be having breathing difficulty after long time scolding because I used 丹田气...haha. The weird thing is my voice turned a little bit low even though I haven't start to work as teacher in the holiday. What's wrong ya? However, with this lower voice, I can scold and talk louder, shout also louder and 有力...hehe. Can create greater effect for shutting the student's mouth and make the class quiet.
Am I looking forward for the days being jobless or wanna continue working? I have plans in the holiday, although not occupied, I need time to rest too...so most probably won't continue work.
Waiting forward for days later...for rest, relax, plans, anything...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
is torturing
Is hard to set a title. I stared at the screen for so long just for a title. Well, straight to the point.
我告诉自己，这三个月假期，可用来整理我的整体思绪，那感觉，考试所带来的压力(以致带来上星期一的病，虽然只是一个晚上，但那病比我在外求学时的病来得更严重; 不说这个了)
我有点relieved的感觉因为假期到了，我有机会可以整理整体的思绪，告诉自己，不再让自己被这种感觉折磨，不再让自己对一个人那么好，不再让自己陷入这种矛盾，再也不要了. Recalling, 偏偏那个时候它太靠近我的年终考试，我还在过渡期, 我好辛苦才让自己真正专心，我不晓得这次的成绩会否因为那来的不是时候的感觉所影响，我知道不会，但还是会有少许的，多多少少, 只希望不会太糟. I did my very best without letting myself screwed in that contradictory so much. I really studied very hard for the exam.
Unfortunately, in the holiday, 真的有点折磨，因为我竟然不敢与他交谈，即使是平时我们会crap all the time, now I even don't know how to start a crap conversation. Start a simple conversation like, "hi", "how are you", seems so hard too... 我想他真的不知道这件事，但...我竟然不知道或忘记了自己是如何与他开始谈天的. When almost getting to sleep, 满脑子都是你. Oh crap! 那时的我是怎么了? 我是惯了那种交谈方式就因为那感觉? 我惯了，感觉不在了，连一个如何与他交谈的方式的回忆都不留? 我想我还是慢慢适应吧, in holiday, is really nothing much to crap about. Oh ya, is true, screw me, I really think too much. 告诉自己我只是想太多. Haiz, I think I really think too much, this hell long holiday really sucks, making room for me to think too much, TOO MUCH of craps. I should have put everything down. 啊......!!! 很烦啊，我是不是自找烦恼?
You know what, I won't let this torture me anymore, I will let it off! Trust me, tomorrow will be better. Just assume that I am a coward that 我以为你知道，其实我知道你根本不会知道我在想什么, 自己心理作祟!
我告诉自己，这三个月假期，可用来整理我的整体思绪，那感觉，考试所带来的压力(以致带来上星期一的病，虽然只是一个晚上，但那病比我在外求学时的病来得更严重; 不说这个了)
我有点relieved的感觉因为假期到了，我有机会可以整理整体的思绪，告诉自己，不再让自己被这种感觉折磨，不再让自己对一个人那么好，不再让自己陷入这种矛盾，再也不要了. Recalling, 偏偏那个时候它太靠近我的年终考试，我还在过渡期, 我好辛苦才让自己真正专心，我不晓得这次的成绩会否因为那来的不是时候的感觉所影响，我知道不会，但还是会有少许的，多多少少, 只希望不会太糟. I did my very best without letting myself screwed in that contradictory so much. I really studied very hard for the exam.
Unfortunately, in the holiday, 真的有点折磨，因为我竟然不敢与他交谈，即使是平时我们会crap all the time, now I even don't know how to start a crap conversation. Start a simple conversation like, "hi", "how are you", seems so hard too... 我想他真的不知道这件事，但...我竟然不知道或忘记了自己是如何与他开始谈天的. When almost getting to sleep, 满脑子都是你. Oh crap! 那时的我是怎么了? 我是惯了那种交谈方式就因为那感觉? 我惯了，感觉不在了，连一个如何与他交谈的方式的回忆都不留? 我想我还是慢慢适应吧, in holiday, is really nothing much to crap about. Oh ya, is true, screw me, I really think too much. 告诉自己我只是想太多. Haiz, I think I really think too much, this hell long holiday really sucks, making room for me to think too much, TOO MUCH of craps. I should have put everything down. 啊......!!! 很烦啊，我是不是自找烦恼?
You know what, I won't let this torture me anymore, I will let it off! Trust me, tomorrow will be better. Just assume that I am a coward that 我以为你知道，其实我知道你根本不会知道我在想什么, 自己心理作祟!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
a meaningful day
Well, Monday night was a bad day for me. Damn that day!!! However, I was fine on Tuesday, and totally fine on Wednesday onwards.
On Wednesday, I met up with my friend, Kuan ( in English, I prefer to call her that way ), Well, she is older than me, so, I consider her as my sister. She taught me, no, not to say teach, is inspired me in many ways. I do appreciate her that she always care about me as her friend. I do also care about her.
Actually no one (I mean my friends that know me) actually realized my relationship with my mother (with my family will be a better answer, but with mother is the worst) is bad except her. Don't care how she realized, because I also don't know and I myself don't want to accept the truth that my relationship with my mother is actually not that good until she seriously tell me when we had that conversation on Wednesday. That time, we became colleagues and good friends in that not big and not really small office, so maybe she took that opportunity to understand me. I appreciated that and I certainly won't blame her why she cares too much. I WON'T!
She shared a lot of things with me and she did inspired me and made me realized many things. She has confidence on me that I can do better to fix the relationship with my mother if I can step out one pace (踏出第一步), since I can't change my mother, then maybe I can change myself to influence my mother. Well, I actually don't really understand why she has so great confidence on me while I myself don't have such confidence in myself. By the way, she told me that, she knows my attitude, she knows I am not a person that will give up easily. Oh ya? I hope I am. Let say it is. Since she has confidence on me, then shall I give up without having a try? I think I will let her disappointed if I do so. Agree?
Ok...I just need time...ya, time, I just need that.
On Wednesday, I met up with my friend, Kuan ( in English, I prefer to call her that way ), Well, she is older than me, so, I consider her as my sister. She taught me, no, not to say teach, is inspired me in many ways. I do appreciate her that she always care about me as her friend. I do also care about her.
Actually no one (I mean my friends that know me) actually realized my relationship with my mother (with my family will be a better answer, but with mother is the worst) is bad except her. Don't care how she realized, because I also don't know and I myself don't want to accept the truth that my relationship with my mother is actually not that good until she seriously tell me when we had that conversation on Wednesday. That time, we became colleagues and good friends in that not big and not really small office, so maybe she took that opportunity to understand me. I appreciated that and I certainly won't blame her why she cares too much. I WON'T!
She shared a lot of things with me and she did inspired me and made me realized many things. She has confidence on me that I can do better to fix the relationship with my mother if I can step out one pace (踏出第一步), since I can't change my mother, then maybe I can change myself to influence my mother. Well, I actually don't really understand why she has so great confidence on me while I myself don't have such confidence in myself. By the way, she told me that, she knows my attitude, she knows I am not a person that will give up easily. Oh ya? I hope I am. Let say it is. Since she has confidence on me, then shall I give up without having a try? I think I will let her disappointed if I do so. Agree?
Ok...I just need time...ya, time, I just need that.
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