the danger

Seems that my friend and me quarreled again, on, same issue again, my health condition, because am being considered as dragging my own condition. 

Well, am being criticized, for not telling her the result of scanning where she claimed that I would tell her the result. I totally forgotten about that. You are a busy person, if I sms or messaged you on FB, you just glanced on it, where maybe I need the attention, but you can't respond at all. At least if you are asking me, I know you are ready to know about it. Maybe I am an attention seeker, maybe I am, what's wrong with that, to the friend you care? Oh ya, maybe I am not independent enough, not able to face all the problems on my own. I may have lied about my conditions. But what being criticized is not right, for being the same attitude, "same pattern" when facing the situation. 

I have to tell you that, apparently I have changed, in facing my own situation, the unpredictable circumstances. Ya, I knew I have become more emotional in handling things, I need to work out on this, by NOT showing any emotions at all by controlling myself my mental power. Telling myself to be calm for any circumstances. 

人，总是要成长的，变得成熟，难道过了这么久，还是这么一成不变? 那我未免太不争气了吧. 

你说不要有所谓的小动作去引别人注意，我知道我没有，那你不要怪我什么都不说，如果你当我是你的朋友，当你应该知道的事，你却最后一个知道，你说我应该要自立的，不要有小动作. 那我谁都不说. 唉，这些都是气话. 

I said sorry that, because I felt that we quarreled. You said sorry because you misunderstood my message, my statuses on social network, you said that you thought you understand me, my pattern. But sorry to say that, apparently I have changed. Maybe I have not changed very much, at least I don't release my temper on anybody. I just consider myself having my own time to accept the fact then at the same time think of the solution to solve it. 

Somehow, I think if we have not said the word "sorry", who knows, of our attitude, we might just ruin our friendship, one being care, one being hot-tempered but caring with different way. 

站起来

很低靡的，
打不起精神，
最近睡多了，
可是却是反效果。

静静坐下来，
仔细想一想，
其实，
自己的意识，
在逃避，
不对，不是这么说
意识在面对，
还是意识在逃避。

意识的两极，
它们在吵架，
吵主人意识到方向，
在吵是哪一极弄得主人低靡，
主人最后决定站起来，
主人知道意识在逃避，
一直被弱的一面占据着思想，
弄得主人一直想往睡梦中藏，
主人觉得在梦中会使自己不太辛苦，
比较不残酷。

主人站了起来，
不要被不肯定的事，
不要被困扰着...

退缩

今天收到的消息，虽然我不是很确定，可是在这件事我搞错的八仙率很低。知道自己表现有点幼稚了，可是还是情不自禁地发起脾气，发自己的脾气。把被单多次，狠狠地抛向墙壁，当然咯，这又不会伤害到别人，总比我突然发神经在面子书上乱骂一场来的好，发泄了一轮，好不痛快。

我的预测没错，可是还是要需要专人来分析我的情况。

现在回想起自己当时的表现，有点幼稚，可是当时却无法向任何人倾诉，只有自己生自己的气。自己伤心，担心，总比让别人担心自己好。我现在没事了，在这件事上，自己的意志力还蛮重要的，别人真的帮不上什么忙。

I really don't feel like talking face-to-face, recently. Partly because I can't hear myself clearly too. 

Review for half of 2013

Well, my friend just reminded me, I have a blog, and I knew I have abandoned it for some time, and I shall update it since I am kinda bored. 

Alright, status right now? 
Physically : heavier, darker, thinner (I hope so), fitter, looked healthier...
Emotionally : become more complicated (you would never know, but I still know myself), stronger in terms of mental power. Someone told me, actually I have a strong mental power, which I never realize it. 

Speaking about mental power, there is a story behind this, and I would say, someone actually triggered my inner thoughts where I think I have very seldom speak it out, as I have no right channel. Sorry to say, many of my friends know I am a non-believer, even though they think I am one, because I attended churches, but I was still struggling, till the year of 2011. i denied the existence of the so called creator, because I don't feel it, and in fact, I don't see proof that IT exists. Very funny to admit that, well, not to say I believe, I was TRYING to believe that the creator is exist, and I tried what my believer friends did, until the year I mentioned, I realized it is JUST a placebo effect, and my mind told me that, it is JUST a calming effect, it DOESN'T SOLVE any problem, from that moment onwards, even though I treasure the friendship, but I just don't believe in the theory of creator anymore. I believe you have to DEAL with that problem, in order to SOLVE it, THINK, using our marvelous brain, for the solutions, not asking for guidance from something or someone that DON'T even exist. Well, I am not seeking agreement, it just appeared that my former secondary school science teacher agreed with me, and supported me for thinking this way. I guess my teacher has her own dramatic past that changed her mind too. (Oh by the way, even though the teacher's age, qualified to be my mum we talk like we are friends.) Facing pain where I have mentioned quite some time ago, I have faced it by my own MENTAL power all the while, I would say, you don't ever judge me with your narrow mind that why am I simply lost my temper or whatsoever. You don't understand, therefore just shut up, you don't understand me, you just pretended that you understand because you are so much elder than me and you want to "save" me from losing myself. Ya, I know you are elder, you have more life experiences, and you are trying to give me advises based on that. I appreciated it, but please give according to norm, NOT by judging people, you have no right to judge me where you don't understand me at all. I believe you have past too but please don't compare yours and mine. Different era, people think differently. I know CERTAIN people call me as self-centered. Well, please define it. 

Pain, the pain...for what I knew, and what doctor said, it is an unknown factor. So, I will just accept this reason meanwhile deal with it, because it caused me side effects for eating medicine that relieve the pain. I know, I need and I have to gain endurance and tolerance limit to pain. Pain won't subside until I eat the damn meds. So I just bear with it, I have my own channel to deal with it, to ignore it. My main goal now is to IGNORE it, where somehow I do wish I have more endorphins...haha, to block the pain signal. I must control myself well enough to not letting myself controlled too much by the change of hormones or mood swings. Well enough to not let those hypocrites get the chance to JUDGE again. But, you know, hormones, you are controlled by them...so, mental power comes in, when you know you are affected by the sudden change of hormone levels, just tell yourself, not to, if can, just direct it to the RIGHT channels. I knew that I have caused some damages, please accept my apology, I am really appreciate it if you tell me so, please don't hide from me that because I may have done some damage without I realize it. 
I am trying to hide my pain from not showing out. I know I can endure it.

***

Oh gosh, I met a lot of hypocrites this year. Well, recently their activity of JUDGING people stop...Good for now.

I met a friend, that I would say a little weird, and unique to me. I roughly can guess the friend's thought. Well, I believe in sincerity maintaining a friendship. This is the friend who actually triggered my inner thoughts, like I have finally found a right channel to raise my questions, even though the friend said...hoping is not influencing. Yup, you are not influencing. 


Talking about my career, well, teaching has been better now. Quite smooth. I got the satisfaction. Sorry to say, the national education system failed. I found no satisfaction from there. I am glad that I have this job, teaching job, different syllabus. From this, I learned new things too. 

I am back!

Want to say sorry to my blog for abandoned it, almost one year. Have been too busy to update it. Many things to share, but no time to share it here. Blog used to be my place to rant my feelings, complains, so called secret, inner feelings, hidden feelings. 

Well, this year, suddenly become a IGCSE Maths teacher. Then during mid year, Biology and Chemistry. Then half way, if not mistaken, principal and my colleague said the students and the parents requested me back to guide them Maths, but I have to let go Biology. (When I shared this news with my friend, she told me her experience during her school time, I suddenly felt I am so 大牌, until principal had to change her instructions to ask me teach Maths, sorry...paiseh betul. Think in another way, does this mean the students agree and like my teaching method?) Continue to guide them Maths, seriously, I tell you, NOT easy, very hard. With that kind of basics, with that kind of sick attitude, how to excel in Maths? You will hear all sorts of excuses, totally pissed you off. Chemistry teaching is okay, after all, this subject is a new thing to them. Certain students kinda "give me face", sit at the first row to listen to me. I felt kinda happy. Sorry to say something that is very distracting, I admit that I am "airport", the student who sits in front of me is physically matured than me, ya, you see nothing wrong here, so, you would "ternampak" the cleavage...I was like...=.= So distracting. I was telling myself, LUCKILY I am not a lesbian, not a guy, if not, how am I continue to teach, facing the student; however, I still try not to stand in front of the student, I felt paiseh...LOL

As an overall, my students can get along with me quite well, can laugh and fooling around with me (of course they pick the right mood of mine that time). Comments to me are mainly I am very  scary, change mood very fast, face looked very fierce. I guess you all know the reason they can get along with me well, because I looked young. Hahaha!!! In fact, no one know my age yet. Of course they cannot know. Chaos later...lol. Sometimes, I guess, because I looked young, and some of the topics still fit in their conversation, so they like to talk and chat with me. 

The best experience is, a student, after knowing the Chemistry, she so scared she failed and said sorry to me, but I happily told her that she passed and got the second highest in class. She thanked me so many times for my good teaching. You know what, that is the best consolation I got, was suffering from the disappointment from the results. Well, now I think I shall get used to this kind of results, there are so many types of people in the world, but with that kind of sick learning attitude, seriously, I couldn't expect too much from them. And one of my students' parent told me that her child gain confidence in Chemistry, which is another achievement to me. 

Well, I guess I shall stop here, about school stuffs. Am continue with other stuffs in another post. 

阴晴不定

Kinda frustrated recently. Hopefully I won't get the reason right for the frustration. I lost my frustration to the room door, especially, and felt very annoyed of what I already felt annoyed to. However, I am kinda patient when I am driving, even more patient, which is surprising myself.

When I feel so frustrated and very emo, is surprising that the person I thought of is not that somebody, but Lord. I prayed. I did felt a little better after talked to Lord "in silence". Therefore I haven't lost my frustration to anyone yet, until got any complaint. However, I felt not very ok...

Well, is not that I am having PMS, and not emotional problem, I just feel annoyed and frustrated in a sudden, without I even can control and at last I noticed that.

Stop the crap, please...

想多了还是其实很复杂?

嗯，因为不愿意面对自己的感觉，又怕想得多会把它想成是真的，所以都没来这里抒发。

最近与他见面，我知道我是不喜欢也不习惯正眼对着别人说话。对着他说话，也是这样，虽然我猜想，也感觉到他对别人，对我说话时是正眼看着我的。我只是有时会与他对望一下，却让我看见让我舒服，让我感到可靠的微笑。嗯，可靠这词好像用得不对，怎么说呢，我想这不能以笔墨来形容吧，这是一种感觉，他的笑容总是能让我不拘谨自己的面孔，笑出来，因为我不怎么爱笑。

会想念那笑容，这代表什么?

我总是很调皮地与他讲话，好笑的是，我们都是用英语，有时掺掺来交谈。他总是会在每说完几句话就笑的，就是喜欢看他那笑容。

我喜欢, 现在其实在想那笑容。