Sudden emo

I knew that I am having mood change. I knew that I don't feel good. I knew that I feel something is not right.

I just can't find out the reason that time...and finally I realized the root of the mood change...

亲切感

When chatting with HH, I will always feel the closeness and warmth or in chinese we called it as 亲切感, feel like I am having an elder sister who loves me, like a family member.

HH knew my health condition...hmm, HH was the one who asked me this, because I told her about something, then this question popped up. Had no idea why I felt so relieved and warmth after I said those out and I remembered I cried after I typed all that in the chat room.

As time goes by, almost half a year I faced the worsen health condition...All the while I strove, and all the while, my close friends know about this, I got the blessings from God too...although my close friends can't help much, their moral support did gave me strength, apart from God's. I seldom cry, but they lent me their shoulders when I need it...

How great it is if HH is my sister...XP, have been very long since I felt this kind of closeness...hmm...

worsen

Seriously, I hate to think of the title every time when I started to write every post... *zzz* (LOL)

Well, 2 months ago, is all started with I felt the excessive sleepiness although I slept much more earlier than when I was still in student life, next was my voice turned coarse in a sudden and this is NOT caused by heaty (I am pretty sure about this). Not long after that, I felt the pain at the neck part, followed by the hardening of the swollen near the thyroid gland. I knew is happening again...T.T However, I can somehow face it with calmer heart, compared to before, my inner peace is stronger now...no one would actually know that I am in pain as I can bear it quite well (this is something not to be so proud about...=.= -> well, I am just trying to console myself...) I prayed even harder after the pain started. So happened that, I really got stronger inner peace for that. God really blessed and loved me a lot.

Now, whenever I feel pain, I will need, mainly, cope with the physical side effects that brought by the sickness. I admit that, the physical side effects caused problem to my job...is really not a good sign of good worker as you always fall asleep or feel sleepy. Not to say I find excuses (for I always fall asleep after sit and facing laptop for too long), which that is my medical problem, but, this is the TRUTH. So, if possible, I would just keep standing and walk around (the most serious condition I ever encounter was I can even fall asleep while I was standing) or make myself busy, or WISH that I have a lot of things to deal with, so that I won't feel pain and focus on my work. The worsen part...the 6 days-course of medication of prednisolone is no longer effective to make the inflammation and pain totally subside and my appetite suddenly increases (I have no idea whether this is effect of stress or from the prednisolone's). Guess I am immuned to the current dosage? This caused me to bear for the pain for more than a week, the current situation: I bore the pain for at least 2 weeks...T.T , I hope I never hurt people if my emotions did changed. Sorry if I did.

Well, I am finally forced to visit the doctor for this worsen conditions...my close friends already forced me to do so...the ever worst thing is my parents still don't know my current condition...I wonder did they realize my voice has turned coarse... Ah...damn it...I just don't know how to talk to them about this...

恼人

说真的，曾经，一度怀疑自己对你的感觉...虽然，最后的那一次是半年前，而我也摆脱了那差点害惨我的感觉。就在大约一个月前，遇见了你，找到另外一种依靠，当时就快疯了，但仔细想，我似乎把他当成精神支柱，另外一个所谓心灵的代替者，那种精神支柱，至少我那时的情绪，心情得以解脱。

说真，对着你，我知道我的问题，我的情绪一定会好转，因为我把你当成了是神派来的使者，我也知道，我想我知道我是被考验着...

自己，不要再迷惑了...清醒...要清醒...

dilemma...a great one

Well, was actually kinda in dilemma which nearly caused me lose concentration during work. Was kinda depressed because i still can't get the solution until now. I know that decisions, evaluations, considerations and deliberations is kinda much, and it is very important to not jump into conclusion so fast by only taking one side's opinions. Opinions are after all opinions, at last, the decision still on our own call, therefore, overall considerations with not affected by others is needed in final decision.

Currently am in a rubber factory be a lab assistant, doing QC work on rubber samples, either their own production or from other manufacturer. This can be considered a chemistry field. Well, seriously to say, the working environment I am facing now is not up to my expectation. Ok, just a little complaint from that. Seriously working life now, for now, can help me kill time, gain some pocket money, can help me by think deeply on my own interest. Instead of thinking of it at home and doing nothing at home, why not think about it during work, maybe I will have more inspiration on considering for every aspect. Plus I should not be choosy as a fresh graduate, try everything, everything will be new for me. Try to like my job, even though the working environment might not as what I expected.

For further studies, or continue working after my convocation...I have consulted from Him for this. To further studies, a lot of procedures need to be followed and not that easy to get that. Working...am I really going to work in rubber factory for long? How about other fields'? My friend told me that, I have to decide properly, think properly, and tell Him my thoughts then left this to Him to lead me to the way (if I am not mistaken or misunderstand the meaning). After this, just left Him to lead me and answer my prayer. Is it when I tell Him my decision, I shall not judge it and accept it? Ah, is so hard to express my dilemma now about passing my prayer to Him. I told this to my friend who is a Christian. Well, until now, I still haven't get my words organized and tell my friend the dilemma on this. About trusting and leave it to Him and to not judge, etc. Oh, headache...

My choice and field of interest for now is...pharmaceutical chemistry or technology, or drug design... Who knows later I might get interest in polymer chemistry...DILEMMA...

Weird

Well, is kinda weird for me today. Dinner with family at the dining table. Normally, either one of the family members not there or I will just avoid from being together. Today, all of us sat together and have dinner. Because three of us (my two brothers and me) wanted to go to watch movie, so we kinda ate quite fast. Although is like that, still feel weird because all of us eat together. Well, many people will say that this is just a normal thing, why should I feel so weird about. This is because, I used to always avoid from being together, as I don't like being asked this and that, being asked on those questions that I don't feel like answer, and most of the time would end with quarrel. Today, was a little rush, so, don't get to talk too.

Now, get to be at home...I somehow scared that, there will be even more quarrels. So, if no need to talk much, I will try not to talk so much...(to be continued)

a happy day

Well, yesterday was the day, the happiest that I ever experienced after stay so long in Kampar, the feelings and the warmth atmosphere with friends. I guess, I am the last one to leave Kampar among my classmates, as I need to send my thesis to be hard bounded, and at the same time, I need some space and peace mind to do some thinking here about my future plan, and things to settle in campus. Although is a little bored, but my friend, H still here and S too. That time, I feel it would be nice because this two good friends are here. S also needs to send her thesis to be hard bounded, therefore, stays in Kampar too.

Needed to send something to H, so, I went to H's house with S. Then we talked and laughed for more than an hour outside the house...LOL. That time, what I can say is, the happy feeling and the warmth, I feel the nice and happy feelings when talking with them, seriously, I never feel that happy before; not to say that I don't feel happy with other friends, happy feelings also can be divided into different levels. Maybe our age difference is not big, so, we can talk and laugh like nobody's business. I remembered H told me that, if my birthday is near, she will organize a make-over party for me to change me into a more girlish GIRL for a day...H mentioned that again yesterday, and both H and S were like challenging me...lol, I was like laughing and said that if both of you remember and daring, but need to wait until next year...LOL. Guess what, I felt warmth for this. Then H talked about her experience about her and her "kaki" organized a party for her friend who is actually pretty but likes to wear boyish clothes. Then everything was so funny until we LMAO. One thing that was very FUNNY is, she said that the birthday star's feedback on the birthday present was: 谢谢你们"强暴"了我...OMG, it was so so FUNNY, not only that H's tone was funny when saying this, and also H's facial expression, laughed like hell that time, the three of us. I enjoyed the moment very much, because I don't get to laugh like that, even though with the friends that I think is very close.

Although is just a short chat (maybe some of you think is long), but seriously to say, I felt very happy. I posted on Facebook, saying that 似乎好久没这么开心过了，谢谢你们两位朋友, actually referred to both of them, and I guess they knew what I meant, because they "Like" my status on Facebook, this happy feeling, is hard to express by words as described in chinese saying "非笔墨所能形容", but I would never forget this. I guess the most probable explanation is I like this two friends, and I appreciated their help on me.