很低靡的，
打不起精神，
最近睡多了，
可是却是反效果。
静静坐下来，
仔细想一想，
其实，
自己的意识，
在逃避，
不对，不是这么说
意识在面对，
还是意识在逃避。
意识的两极，
它们在吵架，
吵主人意识到方向，
在吵是哪一极弄得主人低靡，
主人最后决定站起来，
主人知道意识在逃避，
一直被弱的一面占据着思想，
弄得主人一直想往睡梦中藏，
主人觉得在梦中会使自己不太辛苦，
比较不残酷。
主人站了起来，
不要被不肯定的事，
不要被困扰着...
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
退缩
今天收到的消息，虽然我不是很确定，可是在这件事我搞错的八仙率很低。知道自己表现有点幼稚了，可是还是情不自禁地发起脾气，发自己的脾气。把被单多次，狠狠地抛向墙壁，当然咯，这又不会伤害到别人，总比我突然发神经在面子书上乱骂一场来的好，发泄了一轮，好不痛快。
我的预测没错，可是还是要需要专人来分析我的情况。
现在回想起自己当时的表现，有点幼稚，可是当时却无法向任何人倾诉，只有自己生自己的气。自己伤心，担心，总比让别人担心自己好。我现在没事了，在这件事上，自己的意志力还蛮重要的，别人真的帮不上什么忙。
I really don't feel like talking face-to-face, recently. Partly because I can't hear myself clearly too.
我的预测没错，可是还是要需要专人来分析我的情况。
现在回想起自己当时的表现，有点幼稚，可是当时却无法向任何人倾诉，只有自己生自己的气。自己伤心，担心，总比让别人担心自己好。我现在没事了，在这件事上，自己的意志力还蛮重要的，别人真的帮不上什么忙。
I really don't feel like talking face-to-face, recently. Partly because I can't hear myself clearly too.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Review for half of 2013
Well, my friend just reminded me, I have a blog, and I knew I have abandoned it for some time, and I shall update it since I am kinda bored.
Alright, status right now?
Physically : heavier, darker, thinner (I hope so), fitter, looked healthier...
Emotionally : become more complicated (you would never know, but I still know myself), stronger in terms of mental power. Someone told me, actually I have a strong mental power, which I never realize it.
Speaking about mental power, there is a story behind this, and I would say, someone actually triggered my inner thoughts where I think I have very seldom speak it out, as I have no right channel. Sorry to say, many of my friends know I am a non-believer, even though they think I am one, because I attended churches, but I was still struggling, till the year of 2011. i denied the existence of the so called creator, because I don't feel it, and in fact, I don't see proof that IT exists. Very funny to admit that, well, not to say I believe, I was TRYING to believe that the creator is exist, and I tried what my believer friends did, until the year I mentioned, I realized it is JUST a placebo effect, and my mind told me that, it is JUST a calming effect, it DOESN'T SOLVE any problem, from that moment onwards, even though I treasure the friendship, but I just don't believe in the theory of creator anymore. I believe you have to DEAL with that problem, in order to SOLVE it, THINK, using our marvelous brain, for the solutions, not asking for guidance from something or someone that DON'T even exist. Well, I am not seeking agreement, it just appeared that my former secondary school science teacher agreed with me, and supported me for thinking this way. I guess my teacher has her own dramatic past that changed her mind too. (Oh by the way, even though the teacher's age, qualified to be my mum we talk like we are friends.) Facing pain where I have mentioned quite some time ago, I have faced it by my own MENTAL power all the while, I would say, you don't ever judge me with your narrow mind that why am I simply lost my temper or whatsoever. You don't understand, therefore just shut up, you don't understand me, you just pretended that you understand because you are so much elder than me and you want to "save" me from losing myself. Ya, I know you are elder, you have more life experiences, and you are trying to give me advises based on that. I appreciated it, but please give according to norm, NOT by judging people, you have no right to judge me where you don't understand me at all. I believe you have past too but please don't compare yours and mine. Different era, people think differently. I know CERTAIN people call me as self-centered. Well, please define it.
Pain, the pain...for what I knew, and what doctor said, it is an unknown factor. So, I will just accept this reason meanwhile deal with it, because it caused me side effects for eating medicine that relieve the pain. I know, I need and I have to gain endurance and tolerance limit to pain. Pain won't subside until I eat the damn meds. So I just bear with it, I have my own channel to deal with it, to ignore it. My main goal now is to IGNORE it, where somehow I do wish I have more endorphins...haha, to block the pain signal. I must control myself well enough to not letting myself controlled too much by the change of hormones or mood swings. Well enough to not let those hypocrites get the chance to JUDGE again. But, you know, hormones, you are controlled by them...so, mental power comes in, when you know you are affected by the sudden change of hormone levels, just tell yourself, not to, if can, just direct it to the RIGHT channels. I knew that I have caused some damages, please accept my apology, I am really appreciate it if you tell me so, please don't hide from me that because I may have done some damage without I realize it.
I am trying to hide my pain from not showing out. I know I can endure it.
***
Oh gosh, I met a lot of hypocrites this year. Well, recently their activity of JUDGING people stop...Good for now.
I met a friend, that I would say a little weird, and unique to me. I roughly can guess the friend's thought. Well, I believe in sincerity maintaining a friendship. This is the friend who actually triggered my inner thoughts, like I have finally found a right channel to raise my questions, even though the friend said...hoping is not influencing. Yup, you are not influencing.
Talking about my career, well, teaching has been better now. Quite smooth. I got the satisfaction. Sorry to say, the national education system failed. I found no satisfaction from there. I am glad that I have this job, teaching job, different syllabus. From this, I learned new things too.
Alright, status right now?
Physically : heavier, darker, thinner (I hope so), fitter, looked healthier...
Emotionally : become more complicated (you would never know, but I still know myself), stronger in terms of mental power. Someone told me, actually I have a strong mental power, which I never realize it.
Speaking about mental power, there is a story behind this, and I would say, someone actually triggered my inner thoughts where I think I have very seldom speak it out, as I have no right channel. Sorry to say, many of my friends know I am a non-believer, even though they think I am one, because I attended churches, but I was still struggling, till the year of 2011. i denied the existence of the so called creator, because I don't feel it, and in fact, I don't see proof that IT exists. Very funny to admit that, well, not to say I believe, I was TRYING to believe that the creator is exist, and I tried what my believer friends did, until the year I mentioned, I realized it is JUST a placebo effect, and my mind told me that, it is JUST a calming effect, it DOESN'T SOLVE any problem, from that moment onwards, even though I treasure the friendship, but I just don't believe in the theory of creator anymore. I believe you have to DEAL with that problem, in order to SOLVE it, THINK, using our marvelous brain, for the solutions, not asking for guidance from something or someone that DON'T even exist. Well, I am not seeking agreement, it just appeared that my former secondary school science teacher agreed with me, and supported me for thinking this way. I guess my teacher has her own dramatic past that changed her mind too. (Oh by the way, even though the teacher's age, qualified to be my mum we talk like we are friends.) Facing pain where I have mentioned quite some time ago, I have faced it by my own MENTAL power all the while, I would say, you don't ever judge me with your narrow mind that why am I simply lost my temper or whatsoever. You don't understand, therefore just shut up, you don't understand me, you just pretended that you understand because you are so much elder than me and you want to "save" me from losing myself. Ya, I know you are elder, you have more life experiences, and you are trying to give me advises based on that. I appreciated it, but please give according to norm, NOT by judging people, you have no right to judge me where you don't understand me at all. I believe you have past too but please don't compare yours and mine. Different era, people think differently. I know CERTAIN people call me as self-centered. Well, please define it.
Pain, the pain...for what I knew, and what doctor said, it is an unknown factor. So, I will just accept this reason meanwhile deal with it, because it caused me side effects for eating medicine that relieve the pain. I know, I need and I have to gain endurance and tolerance limit to pain. Pain won't subside until I eat the damn meds. So I just bear with it, I have my own channel to deal with it, to ignore it. My main goal now is to IGNORE it, where somehow I do wish I have more endorphins...haha, to block the pain signal. I must control myself well enough to not letting myself controlled too much by the change of hormones or mood swings. Well enough to not let those hypocrites get the chance to JUDGE again. But, you know, hormones, you are controlled by them...so, mental power comes in, when you know you are affected by the sudden change of hormone levels, just tell yourself, not to, if can, just direct it to the RIGHT channels. I knew that I have caused some damages, please accept my apology, I am really appreciate it if you tell me so, please don't hide from me that because I may have done some damage without I realize it.
I am trying to hide my pain from not showing out. I know I can endure it.
***
Oh gosh, I met a lot of hypocrites this year. Well, recently their activity of JUDGING people stop...Good for now.
I met a friend, that I would say a little weird, and unique to me. I roughly can guess the friend's thought. Well, I believe in sincerity maintaining a friendship. This is the friend who actually triggered my inner thoughts, like I have finally found a right channel to raise my questions, even though the friend said...hoping is not influencing. Yup, you are not influencing.
Talking about my career, well, teaching has been better now. Quite smooth. I got the satisfaction. Sorry to say, the national education system failed. I found no satisfaction from there. I am glad that I have this job, teaching job, different syllabus. From this, I learned new things too.
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